[Bro stares at the page for at least a solid 5 minutes. Probably longer. Honestly, he loses track of time as he stares at it and becomes lost in his thoughts.
Reading through that... is enough to make him feel stupid. Completely and totally stupid- probably more stupid than he's felt in a really long time. Because everything that was said was enough to just... slap him in the face with the cold hard truth and put everything into ugly perspective. And the truth is that he's being stupid.
He can't help his feelings though. They're stupid, but he can't help them. But he can at least admit now just how stupid and irrational they are. Five months. And here he is acting like a complete and total jealous dumbass. Maybe it's proof that he's gotten carried away. It's certainly proof that he fell impossible hard for him and is now suffering the consequences of that.
But realizing this and being able to help it are two different things, and he just isn't sure what to do. Maybe this wouldn't be happening if he was any good at feelings. But he isn't. And he got caught up in them and fucked everything up. It was his own fault though for being the idiot who closed himself off from them after his first real one. God, he was so fucked up.
And fuck if he can argue with the last part. Murdoc has him by the metaphorical balls there in a vice-like grip that he can't get out of. He can't fault him for that. It would be the most hypocritical thing he's ever done. And not even that, but he's been being selfish too.
It takes him a long time to gather his thoughts. And even more to come up with any sort of response, because anything he could say just makes him feel like more of a dumbass. He's miserable right now. A part of him doesn't even want to respond. But he knows everything is on the line right now and if he doesn't say anything, he'll blow every chance he has of fixing this. He'd blow every chance he had at being happy.]
If you're being selfish then so am I.
I don't want to pull away. That's the goddamn last thing I want to do, because if I do then I would just be
miserable.
I can't stay away, and I don't fucking know why.
When I'm with you [He stops. He stops for a long time and he grips the quill tightly in his hand. He's already gotten in over his head once. Would admitting this be too much? Would it just make him that much more stupid? He doesn't know. God, he doesn't fucking know anything. Why did this have to be so incredibly difficult? Why was it suddenly so hard to admit his feelings, when it was easy before tonight? Fuck it. He's already let his guard down. Might as well go thoroughly to hell.] I feel like I'm finally starting to let go of her.
private
Reading through that... is enough to make him feel stupid. Completely and totally stupid- probably more stupid than he's felt in a really long time. Because everything that was said was enough to just... slap him in the face with the cold hard truth and put everything into ugly perspective. And the truth is that he's being stupid.
He can't help his feelings though. They're stupid, but he can't help them. But he can at least admit now just how stupid and irrational they are. Five months. And here he is acting like a complete and total jealous dumbass. Maybe it's proof that he's gotten carried away. It's certainly proof that he fell impossible hard for him and is now suffering the consequences of that.
But realizing this and being able to help it are two different things, and he just isn't sure what to do. Maybe this wouldn't be happening if he was any good at feelings. But he isn't. And he got caught up in them and fucked everything up. It was his own fault though for being the idiot who closed himself off from them after his first real one. God, he was so fucked up.
And fuck if he can argue with the last part. Murdoc has him by the metaphorical balls there in a vice-like grip that he can't get out of. He can't fault him for that. It would be the most hypocritical thing he's ever done. And not even that, but he's been being selfish too.
It takes him a long time to gather his thoughts. And even more to come up with any sort of response, because anything he could say just makes him feel like more of a dumbass. He's miserable right now. A part of him doesn't even want to respond. But he knows everything is on the line right now and if he doesn't say anything, he'll blow every chance he has of fixing this. He'd blow every chance he had at being happy.]
If you're being selfish then so am I.
I don't want to pull away. That's the goddamn last thing I want to do, because if I do then I would just be
miserable.
I can't stay away, and I don't fucking know why.
When I'm with you [He stops. He stops for a long time and he grips the quill tightly in his hand. He's already gotten in over his head once. Would admitting this be too much? Would it just make him that much more stupid? He doesn't know. God, he doesn't fucking know anything. Why did this have to be so incredibly difficult? Why was it suddenly so hard to admit his feelings, when it was easy before tonight? Fuck it. He's already let his guard down. Might as well go thoroughly to hell.] I feel like I'm finally starting to let go of her.