sortinghat_rp | 013 | Sunday evening

Yeah. He surprises me with how rational he can be sometimes. Irrational too. But mostly pretty rational. Especially in regards to this.

[At Murdoc's next words, there are inkblots. Honestly, he wouldn't have expected Murdoc to approve of it at all. He would've thought Murdoc would think it was drawing unnecessary attention to things. It makes him feel slightly better, at least. But the very last words just... negate that.]

My hand is fine. I think it just means I didn't hit him as hard as I should've.

Doesn't matter.

He's very mature for his age. Probably more mature than Eridan and Cronus combined. I suppose it benefits him, so he has no reason to be upset by it. I imagine it would be confusing.

I would've liked to see that. I was half tempted to try it myself.

If it didn't matter, I wouldn't have asked. I haven't seen you since the match ended.

[Bro just doesn't understand any of this. None of it makes sense at all- he'd expected Murdoc to be angry with him. The concern he's getting just confuses him. He punched Rhys, which would just confirm everything to the man. As much as Bro hated him, he knew Rhys wasn't stupid. It would just prove it.

And not only that, but he knew Dirk had told him everything. That alone should've been enough to make Murdoc angry. Instead, he was getting this, and he just didn't get why.

It's a long time before he can bring himself to reply.]

The real question is why you even care in the first place.

You should hate me.

[That's an...interesting question. One that concerns Murdoc. With everything Dirk told him, he's been quietly afraid Dirk had every attentions of leading him this far along and then quitting. That, obviously, hurt to consider and while he was generally quick to jump to defensive conclusions, he was testing the waters here. If Dirk wants to end it, it will be on Murdoc's terms, and these are most certainly not his terms.]

After everything we've gone through up until this point I think I'm entitled to show some concern for my you, Dirk.

There's a difference between hate and mild irritation, you know. I don't always run hot and cold.

[At this point, a part of him wants to quit. He feels like right now it would be easiest for everyone. That he's just an awkward third wheel, never mind what Sybille told him. He's thinking irrationally and it just feels like it would be better if he wasn't there. But he can't do it himself. So the part of him that wants to quit wants it to be Murdoc to throw the switch and shut everything down, because he himself just can't do it.

He doesn't know what to say to the first part, though. At all. Anything he has to say would just sound like he's throwing a pity party. Seeking validation. Despite it all, he has way too much pride for that. As tempting as it is, he can't bring himself to do that. So all he can do is ignore it and focus on the second part.]

If Dirk was right and he told you everything I told him, then I would have expected it to be leaning towards the former and burning hot as fuck.

[If Murdoc had any intention of throwing in the towel, it would have been long ago. As it stands, he's allowed himself to become close to the other man and he won't allow that tie to be severed for such petty reasons.

He entered this strange sort of relationship knowing it would be difficult and it is so very difficult for him to trust someone like this. He doesn't want it to end, and it's selfish, but Dirk isn't going anywhere until he lets him.]

He didn't tell me anything I didn't know already.

[A lie, but Dirk doesn't need to know that.]

Are you already done with me?

Edited 2012-10-19 14:33 (UTC)

[Bro can't help but start at the first sentence in mild disbelief. If Dirk had told him everything- well then, how'd he already know?]

Really?

[The next sentence gives him pause. The inkblots that drip onto the page make it clear he's going to respond, but... first he takes the time to think it through. Honestly? The answer that rings through his head is completely and unequivocally 'no'. But he knows that he should be.]

It would be easier for you if I was.

[Notice how he didn't say 'it would be easier for us'. Just Murdoc. Because Bro is convinced that it wouldn't be easy for him if things ended between them. On the contrary, he would be more miserable than he had been in a long time. It would be the second time he let someone go that he cared for. He isn't sure if he can recover from that a second time. But he knows that for Murdoc, life would become a whole lot easier if he was out of his life.]

I'm not an idiot. I've known how Sybille felt long enough for the message to sink in by this point. As for the abuse of my generosity? I knew about that too. It's exactly what I expected when I made the offer, but I wouldn't put too much stock on her words. She shields herself off from emotion as much as you or I or anyone looking to be strong does. I don't know what she said for sure, but I am certain it was said out of indignation toward you and not an attack toward me. As she is prone to doing.

I don't see how facing a loveless marriage alone is meant to be easier. Don't you realise how cathartic you are? Or are you being dense on purpose so I compliment you?

I wouldn't have engaged you if I wasn't looking for what you were offering, Dirk.

I want this.

Edited 2012-10-20 08:48 (UTC)

[...Oh.

Well now he's really not sure what to say. He didn't really expect that at all. But really what makes it all the worse is just seeing how selfless he's being. Despite the fact that she doesn't feel the same, Murdoc is still putting himself in this position and he knows how much it has to suck. It just makes him angrier at her for exploiting him like this.

And to be honest he has a hard time believing that it wasn't an attack on Murdoc. The things she said just... no. He took them personally- more personally than he perhaps should, but he can't help that. But he doesn't want to argue about it. He doesn't want to try and convince Murdoc that it isn't true, because that would probably just be painful for them both. And he isn't that selfish. He isn't going to make an already difficult situation harder.

Besides, the rest of what Murdoc said is catching his eye more. And through all of the pain and hurt he's feeling right now, it's enough to at least make him feel a little better. He didn't know Murdoc really felt that way... saw him as cathartic. It was easy to convince himself he was just a burden in it all. But hearing that was nice, even if he still had a hard time believing it. He was on the right track, at least.]

Well I guess there's nothing more to say about that, then. I'm sorry.

I'm not fishing for asspats, no. Put yourself in my position for a few minutes and try and think of how I could be feeling right now. It's not exactly fun feeling like I'm just getting in the way sometimes. In fact it's kinda really fucking painful, on par with getting a root canal without any goddamn anesthesia.

You say that. I want to believe it.

But it's hard when I know you'd give me up in a split second if it meant she'd fall in love with you.

[Murdoc is still fuzzy on the details as far as Dirk and Sybille's conversation goes. He knows it was bad and it hurts and he wants to lash out, but his issues lie with Sybille and he has every intention of taking them up with her.

That said, after all of the years he has and hasn't known her, he knows well enough that her words are far more venomous than the intentions behind them. He knows how she works and it would take a lot worse than that to make him feel truly crushed. He might be a bit of an emotional cripple, but he's not a wreck.]

I forgive you.

I don't understand why you're so determined to give it up and feel wounded before we've even had a chance to work on it. I hardly know you, Dirk. We met five months ago and it's only been the past few months that we've been able to tolerate each other, let alone..
Regardless. I like what I know now, and I want to know more. I can't do that if you pull away from me now.

I was friends with Sybille for seven years, that was ten years ago. Of course she has more of a leg to stand on as far as our respective relationships stand, but I don't want you to compare that. I want you to stop thinking about what might happen and start thinking about what is happening, because presently she doesn't love me and I don't know how long I can let other chances slip through my fingers while I let her decide.

Is that selfish? Am I being selfish? Is it wrong of me to want something I can't have and have something I can have? Because I could ask you the very same question in regards to someone else.

[Bro stares at the page for at least a solid 5 minutes. Probably longer. Honestly, he loses track of time as he stares at it and becomes lost in his thoughts.

Reading through that... is enough to make him feel stupid. Completely and totally stupid- probably more stupid than he's felt in a really long time. Because everything that was said was enough to just... slap him in the face with the cold hard truth and put everything into ugly perspective. And the truth is that he's being stupid.

He can't help his feelings though. They're stupid, but he can't help them. But he can at least admit now just how stupid and irrational they are. Five months. And here he is acting like a complete and total jealous dumbass. Maybe it's proof that he's gotten carried away. It's certainly proof that he fell impossible hard for him and is now suffering the consequences of that.

But realizing this and being able to help it are two different things, and he just isn't sure what to do. Maybe this wouldn't be happening if he was any good at feelings. But he isn't. And he got caught up in them and fucked everything up. It was his own fault though for being the idiot who closed himself off from them after his first real one. God, he was so fucked up.

And fuck if he can argue with the last part. Murdoc has him by the metaphorical balls there in a vice-like grip that he can't get out of. He can't fault him for that. It would be the most hypocritical thing he's ever done. And not even that, but he's been being selfish too.

It takes him a long time to gather his thoughts. And even more to come up with any sort of response, because anything he could say just makes him feel like more of a dumbass. He's miserable right now. A part of him doesn't even want to respond. But he knows everything is on the line right now and if he doesn't say anything, he'll blow every chance he has of fixing this. He'd blow every chance he had at being happy.]

If you're being selfish then so am I.

I don't want to pull away. That's the goddamn last thing I want to do, because if I do then I would just be

miserable.

I can't stay away, and I don't fucking know why.

When I'm with you [He stops. He stops for a long time and he grips the quill tightly in his hand. He's already gotten in over his head once. Would admitting this be too much? Would it just make him that much more stupid? He doesn't know. God, he doesn't fucking know anything. Why did this have to be so incredibly difficult? Why was it suddenly so hard to admit his feelings, when it was easy before tonight? Fuck it. He's already let his guard down. Might as well go thoroughly to hell.] I feel like I'm finally starting to let go of her.

[Dirk's silence only makes those words weigh heavier on Murdoc's mind. God, he felt like a prick right now. He's not used to dealing with people. Not like this. Being an auror was so much simpler and a good deal less painful.

He feels so guilty and yet it's still not enough to make him drop this. As far as stubborn asses go, Murdoc takes the cake. He's gotten settled into whatever he has with Dirk, enough for him to be reluctant about dropping it.

Stubborn, Selfish, Clingy. He's a real catch.]

You already know how I feel.

I want to do this. With you. Honestly.

[There's a few ink splatters there as Murdoc has an out of body experience.]
You have no idea how much that means to me, and I wish I could say the same but

I want you both. So much.

I hardly know you and I already can't bear to imagine giving you up for her. Just as the idea of giving her up hurts. It's ridiculous.

Edited 2012-10-23 08:49 (UTC)

[Well that settles it. As frustrating as it is to see that Murdoc still won't give her up, the rest of it makes up for that. As weird as it is, he's starting to feel better. He's wanted. That's all that honestly matters, and that gives him the push he needs to stop being a dumbass and to stop wanting Murdoc to push him away.]

Then you don't have to give me up. I'm yours. I'll be fucking selfish then, I don't care anymore.

And if she ever stops being blind enough to see how much of a prize you are, I hope she can share because I'm not gonna fucking leave. I'd just have to learn to put up with her.

[That's also pretty comforting for Murdoc to- No, okay. He's giddy right now. He doesn't recall anyone owning to being his so easily, it's lovely. It would be even more lovely if he weren't horribly confused by it.]

I'm glad that you accept that, but we should probably figure out what it is you are. Just calling you mine seems awfully possessive. Unless you like that, I suppose.

I broke her heart, Dirk. I'm not a prize to her.

But that's beside the point, I do hope the two of you learn to get along. I had thought the two of you were closer than that, given that you slept with her.

[It can be attributed to Bro being easy to convince right now. For someone who's so closed off, now that he's finally let someone in, he's finding himself easy to attach and so desperate to be happy. It took a lot less convincing than it should've. Because he's selfish.

He stares at the first sentence for a long time, deliberating over what to say. Honestly... what the hell are they? He has no idea. A part of him is even scared to make any suggestions. So he decides to let Murdoc make that decision.]

I don't know. What's it feel like we are? You tell me.

Yeah well, things change. D'you think I intended for that to happen? That I intended to sleep with her and then... This? It was all really goddamn unexpected.

It's not like I ever meant toget attached to you. I never expected any of this to happen.

You came out of fucking nowhere.

Edited 2012-10-24 08:45 (UTC)

Alright.
Well.
Boyfriend seems childish somehow. We aren't fifteen.
Lovers makes it sound as if we're in a romance novel.
Sugar Bro is ridiculous.

Any ideas?

No, I didn't mean that. I only wondered when it was you stopped being close. Given your personalities and your knack for riling me up, I had assumed you'd be quite the perfect match.

I've been here the whole time, so have you. It just took us an embarassingly long time to stop being childish.

Though you could still work on that.

[Inkblots everywhere. He realizes what he's about to say is extremely childish, but. Honestly what other option is there? And besides... He really, seriously just like the sound of it.]

What if I said I wasn't against being 15 years old?

We went in different directions. You and I grew closer and then she put her foot in her mouth and burned one hell of a goddamn bridge. That's really all there is to say on the matter.

I could say the same to you.

So you want to be boyfriends? Is that what we are? Is it too soon for that or are we intending on becomi

[There's a pause.]

Alright. Boyfriends.
It really does sound silly, Dirk. Honestly.

[Why can't he stop smiling at it, fuck.]

It most certainly is. We can leave it for now, but the issue will arise in the future.

Excuse me? When have I ever been childish?

Boyfriends. Yep, that's what we are. Silly or not.

[It's okay, he's grinning too. They're fucking teenagers.]

Oh relax, I'm just teasing.

But you have had your moments. Admittedly not as often as some people.

[Read: himself. But he isn't going to actually ADMIT that.]

Yes. Serious boyfriends. Serious, not fifteen year old boyfriends.

I do not.

You mean not as often as you?

We're boyfriend in our thirties. That's like, the most serious kind of boyfriends.

I'm not naming any names for multiple reasons.

Edited 2012-10-31 04:46 (UTC)

I don't think the word serious is synonymous with you, actually.

Because you're one of those names? Because you can't think of an example to use against me?

So what are you saying, you're the serious boyfriend and I'm the comic relief boyfriend?

I have the right to remain silent on account of the fact I'm American and I can abuse loopholes like that, so I'm gonna take advantage of my American privilege.

Of course, but you didn't need me to tell you that, did you?

I would've thought being American would be more of a hanicap than a privilege. Particularly whilst at a school in the United Kingdom where nobody could care less about Americans.

I'm also going to add that it doesn't count as silent if you continue talking.

I'm really starting to wonder if you're trying to cheer me up now, or if you just wanna make me feel bad about myself. I mean really, you've done so much of both that your intentions just aren't clear anymore.

★

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

private

Re: private

private

private

private