sortinghat_rp | Seven ♒

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Seven ♒

[This entry might seem a little uncharacteristically chipper coming from Murdoc of all people. Why? Because it's all pretty much fake. He's engaged to Sybille simply to prevent her from being deported and this entry has been made in the interest of seeming genuine.]

Good evening, Hogwarts. It is my great pleasure to announce that after nearly twenty years of being madly in love, both myself and the lovely Miss Matteris have gotten ourselves engaged to be married.

As of yet we haven't set a date for the wedding but we were simply too excited to hold off on announcing this to our dear friends. I'm certain you will all be invited.

[Individually filtered to Eridan, Bro and Constance]
We need to talk.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[and there is probably nobody in the world who feels simultaneously stupid and miserable like Murdoc does right now. He's willing to admit he got scared himself, but he'd hoped that both Constance and Eridan would understand the urgency of the situation. Instead, he just feels more stressed and more worried and right now? Utterly alone. He knew he was making a sacrifice, he just didn't realise how much he stood to lose.

His hands are shaking way too much for a text post, so he responds in a very soft, exhausted sounding voice.]

If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to talk about this in person. Can you come to my office?

[He wasn't prepared to hear the voice. All he expect was purple ink, probably saying thanks, or. Something. Anything the soft and tired voice that comes through the journals. He hadn't expected Murdoc to care enough, not when... this.

It just makes him want to shut the journal and run away.

But instead, he responds. His letters are very careful, a bit darker and a little too... neat. As if he's very much forcing his hand to be steady.]

Is there anything else that even really needs to be said, Donoghue?

[But even as he says it, he realizes that for some idiotic, frustrating reason, he does want to do as Murdoc asked. Maybe because he's just that stupid. But if he does, he doesn't know what the hell would happen and that scares him. He doesn't know where they could possibly go from here.]

[Suddenly Murdoc's concerns have shifted from worrying about how everyone would react to a very real fear that he's lost the trust of at least half of the people he's become close to over the past few months. It hurts him so much to imagine how much hurt he's caused, but he can't possibly back down now. He just needs to explain it. Better than he did with Constance. Dirk would understand, wouldn't he? They were both so similar, he had a hope that he might realise the situation.

That hope dampens a little as he sees his surname used in place of his given name. Then it really hits him how desperately he wants to fight to keep Dirk on his side. He can't lose another person tonight.

Now his voice is quivering a little, but he's trying his best to keep it together.]

I wouldn't have asked to talk if there was nothin' to say, Dirk. Should I come to you? Are you in your room?

[Nothing makes sense to Bro at all right now. Nothing. He just can't understand why... this is happening. Why Murdoc would play him like he did, only to turn around an announce a goddamn marriage, of all things. If they weren't possibly going to have a shot, then why the hell had he basically told him to keep trying when he was going to give up? Why had he fucking encouraged... Just. Why?

The honesty would've hurt so much less than this.

Especially because he can't for the life of him figure out why Murdoc sounds the way he does. It just doesn't make sense, because. He should sound happy.

He has the person he wants.

But it's the tone of voice that really stops him from just saying no. Because Murdoc's tone isn't something he can just ignore and run away from. He can't just... he can't say no to it, as much as he wants to. As much as every part of his being is telling him to just. Stop. To put up the wall Murdoc cruelly demolished. But now that it's gone it's too damn hard to rebuild just like that.]

It seems to me like everything's been said though. I know everything I need to know.

But whatever, if you're so sure then I'll come to you.

[he most certainly does have the person he wants, and it couldn't happen in less perfect circumstances. Ever since he was pressured into his last marriage which, needless to say, ended horribly, he's been waiting to make amends for it with a proper marriage. One for love.

Of course, this is the opposite of what he wants. This isn't romantic. This is a horrible patched up shambles of an idea and it's cost him most everything. And for what? She won't love him back. She just needs him right now. There's no way he can stand idly by while he can help her, he'd never forgive himself. He just wishes he could make everyone see how important this is to him. What he needs now more than ever is back up, but he can't even get his son to respond to him.

It's really not fair at all. He'd gotten so close to something with Dirk and he doesn't want to let it go. He can't begin to imagine how angry the other man must be with him. He's single handedly ruined the trust they so carefully built together. Still. His voice calms a little as Dirk confirms with him.]

Thank you.

Yep.

[He'll come, but it won't be right away. It won't even be soon. It's at least an hour before he even begins to think about making his way to Murdoc's room.

Bro is so conflicted. He wants to go, he wants some kind of... explanation. But at the same time he doesn't, because he's afraid it would just hurt more. It's his own stupid fault though, and he knows that. He knew Murdoc loved Sybille, but... he hadn't thought they were- that...This. He hadn't seen it coming. He was giving in to his selfishness and going after Murdoc. He hadn't thought Murdoc and Sybille would... do this. That this was even possibly something that would happen.

After their talk, this just hurts. Because he stupidly thought they had a shot- and why? Because Murdoc complimented his eyes, of all things? How stupid.

But really it was more than that, as much as Bro doesn't want to admit to it. Murdoc... is frustratingly different than anyone else. And that's the part that makes it all the harder for Bro to handle this. Murdoc was different. Is different. Was different, since those hopes were dashed.

Murdoc made him feel like more than just a sexual... object. Living the last decade and a half going to bars and one night stands, it was his own fault but it was all enough to make him feel like nothing more than something sexual. So... Murdoc. Murdoc and his stupid, fucking compliment. It had made him feel different. Like more of a human being. No one ever... ever really made him feel that way. Except for Roxanne Lalonde.

And that's why this fucking hurts.

It's hard, but eventually he pulls himself together enough that he won't be a blubbering mess. In fact he's got a stony, almost cold aura to him, as if he's determined not to let anything hurt him ever again. How long it'll last is to be determined.

All he knows though is that this time, the shades stay on.

Finally, more than an hour later, he's at Murdoc's door and knocks.]

[By the time Dirk arrives, Murdoc has worried himself into quite a state. He hadn't hit a low like this for years and now, it was hitting him pretty damn hard. He's spent the majority of time quietly fretting to himself, mulling over all of the events that had come to pass.

When Dirk knocks, Murdoc is horribly disheveled. His hair is a mess, his jacket is long forgotten, his eyes are bloodshot as a result of both crying and missing sleep. He's been sitting at his desk with his head in his hands, practically praying that Dirk arrives as he promised. If he didn't, he doesn't know what he'll do. He isn't sure he'd ever be able to win back his trust fully.

He calls out as he hears the knock to confirm that he's heard him and pushes himself out of his chair, crossing the room to open the door for him. He greets him with an extremely tired smile, opening the door properly for him.]

I'm so glad you came.

[He's sure he can feel a stand offish vibe from Dirk and honestly, it terrifies him. Has he made him so angry? Is he ever going to be able to justify it? He feels so horribly uncomfortable right now.]

Would you like to sit? Do you want a drink? [his voice is still pretty damn soft as he gestures toward the couch, his anxiety apparent]

[Maybe the vibe Bro was sending off wouldn't have been as bad if he hadn't met with Sybille. That just... wasn't a pleasant experience, and on top of his feelings already, it just made it harder for Bro.

He had at least heard of the circumstances leading to what Murdoc had done, but. It hadn't made him feel any better. Because Murdoc had jumped right to it without even thinking of an alternative.

Without even thinking of Bro. And the fact he knew how much Murdoc loved her, it just... it hurt no matter how Bro looked at it. Because he knew that deep down inside, there was no way Murdoc was doing it just to protect Sybille. He knew that deep down- and not even really that deep- he was doing it because he loved her and wanted them to work out.

And there Bro was, caught in the middle of it. Hurt and betrayed and just. Not happy.

But when Murdoc opens the door and he gets a good look at him, his stomach churns because he's never seen the man looking so disheveled. It's depressing really, compared to the calm, in control type of person he usually is. It hurts to see him like this almost as much as it just hurts to see him at all. And then to hear him sound so genuine when he says he's glad he's here?

It's such mood whiplash that Bro just kind of wants to run away right there, because nothing makes sense and it's painful to deal with. Life was so much easier before he met Murdoc. Before he met Sybille. Before he came to this goddamn school to teach. But he has a hard to really regretting it, despite how painful everything is right now. Because he feels like it's his fault for having these stupid feelings in the first place.

He just can't understand why he's being so... nice and friendly and honestly seems so... worried. It just doesn't make sense to Bro, because he feels like he was lied to and strung along, so why would Murdoc do this? It doesn't make sense and it's just so frustrating.

When he replies though, he sounds about as casual as he can while walking into the room and heading towards the couch.]

Nah, I'm good. It'd probably be easier and faster if we skipped that and you just say what you need to say.

[As he says this, he sits down on the couch and folds his arms. His face is pointed at Murdoc, but behind the shades, he isn't looking at him. He can't look at him.]

[Well. The bluntness of that stung a little, but he supposes he deserved it. He runs a hand through his hair, tutting to himself as he follows Dirk across the room.

He sits next to him, not so close as to stifle him, but not so far away that he seems distant. He runs his hands over his knees, humming softly as he considers how the fuck he's meant to break this in a way that doesn't seem like he's making excuses.

While it's true that marrying Sybille isn't exactly contrary to his life goals, this is not the way he wanted it to happen. It's tainted and it aches to think that his one shot with his dream girl is the furthest thing from romantic. Not only that, but he can't get his god damn mind off Dirk. Currently, he wants to thread his arms around him and demand that he never leaves him, but that seems incredibly childish at this point. He hasn't done anything to earn his loyalty, he should just let him go.

But he won't.

His son is ignoring him and he's forever ruined his relationship with the mother of his children, he sure as hell isn't letting Dirk leave this room angry with him. Unless he apparates. That could be awkward.]

Look. There's no easy way to say it. Sybille was threatened with deportation and, as it stands, marriage is the safest way to ensure she won't be seperated from Vriska.

[All the fidgeting. All of it.] I'm sorry that you had to be caught up in all of it. I didn't want to..[What is it that they are anyway.]

I didn't want to end what we had goin'.

[He tries not to tense up when Murdoc sits next to him, but he shifts slightly, almost imperceptibly, like he wants to scoot over and get as far away from him. Or maybe like he wants to get closer, because like an idiot he wants both things. He wishes things were different, that this wasn't even something that was happening. That he could go back to trying to get Murdoc to like him. But he feels like his chances of that are gone.

Things just keep getting more difficult when Murdoc speaks, and once again things continue to just not make sense. He sits in a very icy silence at the mention of Sybille. Combined with his last statement, it just sends his emotions into a whirlwind and the calm he fought to have before he arrived is threatened. But he takes in a deep breath and swallows, trying to push it away.]

I know about that.

[There's another pause, as he leans forward and rests his hands arms on his knees, staring down at the ground. When he speaks, his voice is low and it's a mixture of what sounds like anger and hurt.]

But don't pretend that you don't have ulterior motives... Just don't. Do me one fucking courtesy and just don't pretend anymore. You didn't even... You didn't even try and figure out an alternative. You just jumped right into it!

[Now he's getting upset and it shows in the way his voice quivers. He pushes himself off of the couch and takes a few steps forward, keeping his back to Murdoc. He can't look at him. He just can't bring himself to turn around and face him.]

You didn't even think about me, did you? When you asked her. Because you love her that much- because a part of you hopes that maybe she'll fall in love with you? That you'll be a happy together. I know that's what it is because I would probably do the same fucking thing if it was Roxanne!

[His hands are clenched at his sides and they're shaking slightly, knuckles ghost white and fingernails leaving marks in the leather of his gloves where they're digging in.]

So with that said, what the fuck did we even have? Because right now it sure doesn't seem like anything but me being extremely stupid and thinking that there ever was a fucking chance that we could have anything!

Excuse me?

[There is a very long, very dangerous pause for a moment there. He's actually getting incredibly frustrated with the implication that this is a selfish action. A happy marriage was the last thing on his mind when he offered, abrupt as it may be.

He balls his hands together into fists, not sure whether he wants to scream or cry. Right now? It looks like a mix of both. He seethes through his teeth, trying to calm himself down a little so he doesn't let the anger get to him. He sympathises. He deserves this.]

If there is any selfish motive in this action, BELIEVE ME, it was unconciously done. Presently, all alternatives lie within the Ministry. The same Ministry that sent the damn Inquisitor in the first place! If he wanted to meddle with her citizenship, he would. Marryin' her is the easiest way and an engagement buys us more time to plan.

[He scowls up at Dirk like a spoilt child who can't have whatever the fuck he wants.]

I did think about you. I thought a lot about you. But I let my fears get the better of me and I made a rushed choice that certainly didn't do anythin' to aid my situation.

There is nothing IDEAL about this situation. There is no happy endin' in it. She doesn't love me back and she won't love me back. I just can't sit by and let him force her out of the country and away from her child! It can't be helped.

[He inhales through his nose, burying his face in his hands and making a pained noise.]

I don't know what we had. I just know that I liked it. A lot. I don't want it to end, alright? I don't want this to be the thing that makes me nothin' to you.

[His voice is gradually getting louder.] I can't fuckin' take another person givin' up on me tonight. It hurts, alright?! I don't want this. I just wanted to protect my friend.

[There's a long pause from Bro once Murdoc is finished. He's breathing heavier, as if he's having a hard time keeping himself together and calm, as well as just from pure angry adrenaline. When Murdoc is finished, he just doesn't know what to say, and despite how angry he is, he can see a little where Murdoc is coming from. But then the hurt just comes back full force and it makes it hard to sympathise.

Because the fact that he loves her just keeps coming back to him. It makes it nearly impossible to believe that on some level, Murdoc isn't hoping for things to work out. He may not believe they will, but he probably hopes they will and it just makes everything he and Murdoc had feel like a lie. A complete lie.

But when Murdoc let out the noise, it just made his stomach hurt more and twist with guilt, because he's the one causing it. He doesn't want to hurt Murdoc, even though he should. He feels like he has every right to, given how shitty this whole thing is. But he doesn't... want to. It hurts.

It's then that he turns around, hesitantly. He doesn't look at Murdoc just yet, instead at the couch. Slowly, he walks back over and sits down. He's still shaking, he's still breathing a little ragged, but he sits.

He still doesn't know what to say though, because he's still upset. He doesn't believe everything Murdoc said. Because what if Sybille does love him? Or at least what if she falls in love with him again somewhere along the way? She may have been doing it for Vriska, but. What's stopping that from changing? What's stopping her from falling in love with him once it's over?

And it's hard for him to believe that Murdoc thought of him like he says he did. Because... if he did, why hadn't he said something? Why had he felt the need to rush into it? In the end, it just felt like Murdoc was thinking more for Sybille than him.

Which... makes sense. If he really thinks about it, considering Sybille was in trouble. And he loves her. It's only natural for him to act instead of waiting. And maybe selfishly, that's what hurts the most. Because he loved her so much, and acted without talking to him. It's stupid, petty jealousy. He realizes that. But it doesn't make it easier to deal with.

God, he fucking hates this so much.]

A friend you love.

[His voice is quiet.]

Look, I just... I fucking know it's a shitty situation. I do. Believe me, I don't want her to lose Vriska, or get deported for that matter. That would be the most fucked up thing ever. I'm willing to do whatever the hell it takes to protect them both! I just...

I just feel like I never had a goddamn chance. And believe me, you're not nothing to me, because if you were I wouldn't fucking be here. I just know- or at least I'm pretty fucking sure I know- that you have other motivations and that just hu- It just... it sucks!

[He doesn't want to admit that it hurts, which is what he'd been about to do. It makes him feel stupid and just too vulnerable. His voice is still quivering and he's shaking more.]

Because how could she not fall in love with you?

Edited 2012-09-20 04:26 (UTC)

I don't think bein' stuck around me until "death do us part" [Yes, he's doing air quotations.] is really goin' to endear me to her. She doesn't want to be trapped with me.

[He glances to the side as Dirk sits, hestitating for a moment before scooching a little closer to him. Now there's less than an inch between them, but Murdoc doesn't find himself feeling so uncomfortable. It's strange, actually. It's such a tense situation and he feels so at ease being close to the man. He can't really deny the fact that right now he doesn't feel like fighting. He just wants to curl up and give up and stop thinking about it for a while.

However, he owes it to Dirk to explain this to him properly and he fully intends to. Sheepishly, he places a firm hand on Dirk's knee and gives it a squeeze.]

I know I'm not nothin' to you. I don't want to become nothin' to you. Is it selfish to want to keep you close even if I've treated you like absolute shit?

[He gives him a guilty look before he caves and leans in a little, letting his head rest against Dirk's shoulder and sitting in silence for a long moment. This does suck. It sucks a whole awful lot. He can't deny his feelings for Sybille, but he can't ignore his growing feelings for Dirk. He can't enter into a marriage wondering what he's missing out on-- but why should he have to miss out? Why should he sacrifice the entirety of his happiness? Even for her sake, it's a bit much. To be honest, the outlook of his life is a little bleak right now.

Is it horribly selfish and entitled to want something for himself?]

Is it wrong to want you both? [He isn't going to look at him now. Or move. He's just going to sit here totally frozen and wondering if he actually said that.]

[He doesn't look at Murdoc when he does the air quotes, but he can feel him do it, and the words just make him want to shake his head. Because it's not true. If she were around Murdoc more, she would know that... there's plenty to like. And there's a lot there to love, too. Not that he's in love with him- he isn't, but... He can't deny that the thought of Murdoc somehow disappearing, or them losing whatever they have right now isn't sickening. Because it absolutely is. And he just wants to shake Murdoc and tell him that he's not giving himself enough credit.

He doesn't have a chance to say anything though, because that's when Murdoc scoots closer to him and he can automatically feel himself tense up, his body gives an involuntary shudder. A part of him wants to scoot away, or get up again, because... Just. No. This is only going to make him hurt worse in the end. But he doesn't move, and when Murdoc starts talking, he can feel himself relaxing. The words... are a comfort.

They're comforting because now it feels like Murdoc is actually acknowledging things. That he was unfair. It makes Bro feel better. Selfishly, because he knows that Murdoc didn't really mean to act like that. But... still, the apology is nice, and it makes him feel better. And he's even starting to believe that Murdoc really means what he says about wanting to keep him close... He's starting to believe he really did never mean to hurt him. It doesn't mean he's over being hurt, but... It's reassuring.

There's an indescribable sensation in his stomach (he's not used to it but it's butterflies, fucking hell. Go away.) when Murdoc leans his head on Bro's shoulder. It makes him tense up again, but only briefly, and he even leans in a little too. He isn't sure what to say at this point though. Because he's tired of fighting too and he just wants to... stop. He wants to find some way to get over his hurt feelings, but he doesn't know how. But he wants to forgive him.

He's starting to feel selfish again, because he hasn't stopped wanting him. He's starting to feel like maybe they have a shot still. At least... Until Murdoc speaks again. It doesn't dash his hopes, but it... doesn't make anything better. At least not completely.

Because Murdoc is saying he wants him. That part is fantastic. That part kind of makes his heart thud a little. But... he wants Sybille, too. And that just makes everything difficult. Because how the hell would that even begin to happen?

He just isn't sure how to respond to that. Instead, he's just going to focus on his own selfish thoughts, his own selfish desires. Because right now he's so hurt that he just... needs to. Otherwise he's just going to keep being upset. Later, they can figure something out. Maybe he'll step back and just let Murdoc and Sybille have their thing.

But for tonight he's just going to be the most selfish man on the planet. At least, as long as Murdoc is willing. He doesn't look at Murdoc when he speaks either, because a part of him is scared of saying this. Of Murdoc's response.]

I dunno, but... you can have me any time you want me.

[Murdoc tenses ever so slightly in response to that. What is he doing? Hanging off another man after he's both engaged himself to one woman and broken the heart of another.

There's a warm sort of ache pooling in the pit of his stomach. He supposes some people may call it yearning. He wants to be held and coddled so badly right now. He wants to disregard everything and make use of Dirk's offer. He doesn't want to be alone tonight, that much is for sure, but he doesn't know how well he'll be able to restrain himself if he doesn't send him away now.

What does it matter? If Sybille is only using him for marriage, she won't have any gripes with him having his own romances. He'll want her and he'll miss her, but the pain will ease eventually. Right?

He plucks up the courage, letting himself relax against Bro again before inquiring in a soft voice.]

Can I keep you for tonight, then? [Suddenly he can feel his cheeks burning pink. Stop it. Fuck.] We don't have to do anythin'.

Edited 2012-09-20 07:18 (UTC)

[It should make him feel shitty, Murdoc saying 'tonight' and not... longer. But for once he isn't reading into it. Because for once it's as if all he needs is a night. He can hope for more later, but with all of this going on, a night is perfect. A night is all he wants right now. Just to ease the hurt. Just to make him feel better. Maybe then he can move on. He doesn't know. He's not thinking that far ahead.

He's just happy that for once Murdoc said yes.

He said yes and Bro feels like he won. If only for a night, he fucking won. Even if it's not even a competition. Because Sybille isn't the enemy, he has to remind himself of that. And the fact Murdoc finally said yes is enough to make him realize that, somehow.

It's enough to make a lot of things okay for the time being.]

So does that mean when you're done with me, come tomorrow morning you'll toss me in the trash?

[His tone is teasing, that much is obvious. It's a serious question, but it's not one he really needs an answer to right now. He's completely fine with just... figuring things out later. Living in the moment now.]

[Murdoc wishes he could promise more than one night. He wishes he could promise him days or weeks or months, but he can't. He's already lead him on far enough without being able to judge his own future, he can't ensure that anything between them can last, or even be allowed to last.

For now, he feels at ease. Which is surprising because he hasn't had that much alcohol. There's a pang of sadness everytime he thinks beyond tonight, but for now he's comfortable with his moment with Dirk.

He scrunches his face up at that comment and swats Dirk's arm. It's probably going to sting a bit, but he didn't put much force into it.]

I don't think I'll be done with you for quite some time. Even if I can't have you myself.

[He sighs to himself, slipping his hand around Dirk to grab his hand and give it a squeeze.]

I can't predict the future anyway.

[And that's... okay.

Or at least, for the moment it is. For the moment he can deal with that. Really. There will probably come a time when it's not enough, and he wants more time. But for now, the selfish side of him is saying 'this is enough. this is more than enough.'

Because honestly? He never really expected to get even this. He swallows and his stomach does that butterfly thing again when Murdoc's hand slips into his.

He can't predict the future, either, but that's fine, because right now he has the present, and as sappy as it is to say, that's good enough for the time being. He doesn't know how he's going to feel after this night, but there really is a part of him that's optimistic.]

Okay, I'm about to be really fucking cliche, and don't hit me again when I say this, but... Shut up and kiss me.

[A lot of things race through Murdoc's mind at that moment.

I've never kissed another man before. What if I'm crap. What if someone walks in at this very moment.

He swallows hard, trying not to let himself go any pinker as he stares at Dirk.

He doesn't hit him, he reaches up with his free hand and plucks the shades off his face. Then, he smiles at him. It's not a half smile or a forced smile. It's a little sad looking. Wistful, even. But it's a smile.

That's when he leans in properly, pressing Dirk downward ever so slightly as he moves in to press his lips against his. He shifts to kiss him properly, letting himself enjoy it at least for a few moments.

In those moments, he's going to enjoy everything he missed in the last kiss. He's savouring every second of it, squeezing Dirk's hand nervously all the while.]

[Meanwhile Bro's head is surprisingly conflict free. All he can think of is how happy he is. Maybe it's because he's just not allowing himself to think beyond this moment, because if he does he might get worried. So he's just living completely in the moment- and to be honest, that's his area of expertise. He's used to things like this. This is where he shines.

So he's really not all that nervous. It's mostly just excitement and contentment. Because... he finally did it. He got the goddamn prize. That's such a good feeling. And it happened sooner than expected, too. In he'd been allowing himself to think about it, he'd have wished it was under better circumstances, but. He's not thinking.

Bro isn't even upset when Murdoc takes off his shades. No, he's getting used to it. It's something he expects, even given the short amount of time he's really known the man. He hadn't intended to take them off when he came in here, but he really hadn't expected any of this to happen.

There's something about that smile that Murdoc gives him that, that makes his heart ache. It brings him back to the reality of the fact that... It's possible this is the only chance he's gonna get. And it makes him determined to just make it that much better. That much more memorable. Because if it is their only shot, then that memory is the only thing that's going to make him feel better in the future when he's hurting. So he returns it.

And then he leans in and meets Murdoc's lips with his own, also shifting so that they each have better access. It's infinitely better than the first kiss by far simply because it's mutual. They both wanted it, and Murdoc is actually kissing him back. And it's the best kiss he's had in years, as silly and sappy as that is. But it's the truth. Because for once there's something behind it that's more than just lust.

He squeezes Murdoc's hand back encouragingly, because he can sense how nervous Murdoc is and he wants to let him know that it's fine. He's doing fine. He's doing fucking perfectly and has no reason at all to be nervous. His free hand makes it's way up to cup Murdoc's cheek, brushing over it before it finds it's way into Murdoc's hair, running through it softly.

Bro can't help it when he lets out a quiet little sound of contentment into the kiss, because god, it's just. It's good. It's really good, and he really just never wants it to end.]

[Despite his nerves, Murdoc takes small comfort in the fact that kissing doesn't change all that much depending on the gender. Though, he does relish in the fact that he can be a little rougher with Dirk and have it be all in good fun.

He nestles into the touch, humming in response to Dirk's noise and pressing deeper into the kiss with a less shy sense of eagerness. Gingerly he presses his tongue against Dirk's lips, quietly reveling in how surprisingly soft they are and asking for permission to make it a little bit more than just a kiss.

Shifting around Dirk, he parts his own legs so they're either side of the other man. He's trying to make it more comfortable, but the process of doing so is somewhat awkward. It feels kind of strange to be on top of him, especially considering the fact that he had very little idea of what he was doing. Yet, it was almost empowering to be there. There was a dirty little side to him that liked having Dirk under him like this. If he were better at controlling this situation, he might become even more fond of it.

The thought process lead him to think deeper into the more questionable moral areas of this. Did anyone else have to know about this? Could he confide in Dirk in more ways than one and still keep him to himself? He might be getting married, but that doesn't mean he can't have a little thing on the side, right? He wants both. For fuck's sake. Why does he have to chose?

It doesn't matter anyway. As tempting of a mistress as Dirk is, he certainly deserves a bigger place in his heart than some bedwarmer. He wants more from him, he wants him to be his too. Want want want. Like an over grown child. It's hard to believe he was treating him with such disdain for such a long time. He can't help being terribly possessive when he becomes attached to someone, but this was starting to drive him nuts. He really needs to let go.

After tonight.

Tonight is off the records. Tonight is for doing whatever they wish with each other. Though he's not entirely sure how far that will take them.]

[Bro meanwhile has still let almost all of those kind of thoughts go. He isn't thinking of the fact that Murdoc wants them both, he's just content with having him right now. It's easier this way, really.

Bro opens his mouth with eagerness when Murdoc's tongue slides over his lip and he meets it with his own. Another sound is let into the kiss when Murdoc shifts and straddles him. He can feel the situation heating up, or at least for him it is, and he has a feeling he knows just where this is going to go- or at least, where he hopes it'll go. It makes his heart pick up speed and his face grow hot. He's used to being on top, but having Murdoc on top and more in control is kind of exhilarating and a change he didn't realize would be so welcome.

The hand in Murdoc's hair falls away and instead moves to rest on Murdoc's thigh. It runs up and down it slowly, before sliding up Murdoc's body and wrapping itself around him so that he can pull him closer.]

[With permission granted, Murdoc isn't afraid to press his tongue past the other man's lips. Very tentatively, he grazes his tongue against the other man's, teasing at it with the sensation. He might be gaining some confidence in his actions, but he's still a bit lost in the idea that he's sprawled over another guy.

He's happy to move closer at Dirk's urging, it's only making him savour every moment with a higher regard for it. Every little factor of this moment is enthralling to him right now. The way he smells, the way he tastes, the sounds he makes when he's kissed the right way. It's all so damn tempting.

He wants to push this further, he wants to lose himself in it, but if he does, will he be able to deny it from himself from now on?

It's funny how that train of thought it doing very little to stop him from letting his tongue explore a little deeper into Dirk's mouth. He grunts quietly as the other man caresses him, giving himself the courage he needed to slide a hand over Dirk's chest, teasing him through the thin fabric of his shirt.]

[It's funny, how different the real thing is compared to how it always was in Bro's head. Back when it was a game, back when it was just something he'd imagined as meaningless, he's always thought it would be faster, rougher. He'd never expected such a slow and intense build up. But now that it's happening and it's so different, the fantasies feel sub-par.

Because this is fantastic and he wouldn't have it any other way. It's giving him a chance to savor it, to enjoy the taste and feel of Murdoc. It's a thousand times better than if they were moving faster.

Bro himself is already lost in it, unlike Murdoc. His eyes are closed and he's kissing him intensely, putting all kinds of feeling into it that he just doesn't normally do. It's almost like in a way, he's kissing him like it's their last one, though he doesn't intend to. It's just happening without him even realizing it.

The sound that escapes him when Murdoc's tongue pushes in a little deeper is more a moan now, low and warm against the kiss. With Murdoc so close now, he moves the arm that was wrapped around him lower. He's not quite so lost in the kiss that he doesn't hesitate, but after a moment of hesitation, he slides his hand to rest on Murdoc's ass.]

[Compared to Murdoc's own fantasies, this is wonderfully realistic in a nerve wracking way. His tentativeness is fairly obvious and his hesitation due to such a long dry spell is apparent. Still, there's nothing unromantic about this. Nothing about it indicates that he should feel wrong for wanting it, so it must be alright. Right?

He never thought he'd have such a comforting revelation with another man between his thighs, but he supposes there are worse ways to realise you really, really like both genders and are entirely content with sitting on top of them.

Well. That would have saved him some awkward moments in school.

He chuckles into the kiss, taking his sweet time to enjoy the feel and taste of it all.

He freezes for a moment when Bro's hand slides down, even though he has his hands plastered all over his chest (it's a nice chest alright) it sort of brings him back to reality a bit more. Not that he minds too much he just...

He pulls back from the kiss, only to place another one on Dirk's lips, quirking an eyebrow at him and muttering against them.]

Are you alright with this? [He pulls back a little so he can look down at him properly. Very much enjoying the view he's getting of his eyes.] Even if it's just tonight? [He reaches out to stroke the side of his face, idly tilting him to get a better view of the eyes.]

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