I don't think she knows what it is either. I hope it's tasteful, for your sake.
[Filter] If you were to say, take a role in the wedding that requires a lot of time with myself, it would not be suspicious for you to be around me so much.
I'm quite honestly insulted. Everything I do is tasteful, Murdoc. Everything. And besides that, would I really bring something distasteful to your wedding?
I'll be sure and keep my bladder check for the wedding.
[Filter] I don't know, I mean I know your sense of humour isn't always the best...
But seriously, think about what you're asking me to do for a minute. Seriously think about it long and hard for exactly 60 seconds and then get back to me. Longer, if you honestly can't understand why I'm having you think about it in the first place.
You would do well to. [Filter] There's nothing wrong with it. I'm perfectly good humored, thank you very much.
I already told you, if you were to take a big role in the wedding we could spend time together and it would be perfectly alright. It would be well worth the emotional efforts on your part, don't you think?
[Filter] Yeah, that's all good and everything. Honestly that alone is what's making me not flat out refuse and nope into infinity.
But seriously, you're asking me to be the best man to your wedding. You want me to stand in the same room as my number one competition. You want me to publicly show my support on something that I couldn't be against any goddamn more if I tried. Do you not see how it's kind of a lot to ask of me?
I never said I did not, I was simply pointing out the benefits of your acceptance. I understand that it is a lot to ask, that is why the choice is entirely up to you. I won't push you in either direction, you do what you feel is best for yourself and I'll manage no matter what the outcome may be.
[Bro doesn't reply for a long while. He just sits there, going over everything in his head. Really, seriously thinking about it. It's after a while that he comes to realize the only thing that would convince him to go along with this stupid little idea.]
Would it help?
You, I mean. Would it make it easier for you? Having someone there who actually lo cares about you?
[So many scribbles over that. So. many. He doesn't know why he even came so close to writing that. It was far too soon, wasn't it? To be... thinking about that of all things. The fact he came so close to writing it scares him. But he tries not to think about it, because it was a mistake.]
It would help a great deal, yes. It might be a little awkward, to put it lightly, but you are the only one who gives enough of a damn to know how hard this is going to be on me.
Honestly, I feel like you're the only reason I haven't had some sort of hideous break down already.
[He saw that and his heart skips a beat, but he doesn't want to push it or hope for something that isn't there. He's just. Really god damn curious.]
[Once again Bro is reduced to staring at Murdoc's words for a while before being able to respond. He doesn't know what to say- more specifically to the latter question. He's scared to. Because he knows that he's grown so very attached to Murdoc in a fairly short amount of time. He knows it and it scares him, he just doesn't want to pull back. Because if he does, he won't be happy. But at the same time, he's afraid that Murdoc isn't even close to feeling the same way he does. This whole thing is so much harder than it should be.
Even if he were to be completely honest, though, he wouldn't even begin to know how to word his feelings. He does care about Murdoc that much- that's becoming obvious. But he doesn't know the full depth of those feelings yet, even if they're clearly deep. The fact he nearly wrote love must say a lot, even though he's adamant that he really didn't mean to. Because he didn't. He just doesn't know why it even nearly happened at all.
It's at least a half hour before he can actually respond to Murdoc. He still doesn't know what to say, and he's still scared to actually attempt to be honest with him. It's around that time though, that he realizes the silence must be pretty damn telling on its own. Because no matter what he says, the silence has guaranteed that it will be under spotlight for scrutiny. He really shot himself in the foot by not being quicker with his thoughts.
So he just... finally decides to try and be honest. The only reason he has the courage to actually do it is because he doesn't want to come off like he doesn't care by trying to down play it. He's trying desperate to make sure Murdoc feels as strongly for him as he does Murdoc and if he pushes the man away, it'll never happen. And Murdoc's words themselves make Bro feel like maybe being honest isn't such a bad idea. Like maybe he has hope and that Murdoc won't be put off by him or judge him for getting so stupidly attached to him.]
I do, yes.
[He wants to be able to write more than that. To tell Murdoc how and why so that he can prove that it's actually true and that what he's saying aren't just words. But he doesn't know how to articulate them. For a languages teacher he's so incredibly bad at this that it's physically painful. After a moment, he realizes that maybe the problem is that he isn't face to face with him. That words can only go so far on a page.
After another moment, he starts to write a message asking Murdoc if he can meet him, but he decides not to do that. Because if he thinks about it, if it's planned, then somehow he'll chicken out.
So suddenly he's on his feet, not writing a single word after that very vague response. A few minutes later, he finds himself outside of Murdoc's office, the entire trip trying not to actually think about what he's going to say. Because he doesn't know what he's going to say. He just hopes like fuck that word vomit doesn't fail him, because as far as plans go, that's all he actually fucking has. Word vomit.
He knocks on Murdoc's door, drawing in a deep breath and trying not to be as nervous as he knows he feels like he should be.]
[Once again, the length between responses is disconcerting. Did he embarrass Dirk? Did he write him into a corner? Perhaps he was being too pushy. Ugh, why did he always make things awkward. It was crossed out for a reason, Murdoc. You should have dropped it you stupid, curious fuck.
He isn't sure why, but the early stages of this relationship feel so delicate. Like he's scared of revealing too much of himself to the other man on the off chance he won't like what he sees and he'll want to get out of there and leave him alone in this stupid charade of a loveless marriage.
The radio silence is becoming maddening enough that Murdoc needs to pace to ease his nerves. Half an hour is ridiculous. He's scared him off, clearly. To be honest, even the idea that Dirk might have just fallen asleep is a little painful to consider right now.
In his little, ridiculous fit of paranoia, he'd managed to miss Dirk's message as it came in favour of grading some papers to ease his mind. When curiousity overcomes him and he checks the journal, he's perplexed by the short answer. It isn't nearly enough to satisfy his nerves. He's about to pose another question when he hears the knock.
Odd. He hadn't been expecting anyone. He doesn't want to get his hopes up in the likely event that it's a student asking a question or another staff member in need of him. Still, it's important enough to him that he crosses the room and opens the door himself.
He recognises Dirk the moment he opens the door, he tries to hold back a warm smile incase it gives too much away, but he can't help being happy to see him. There are a lot of things on his mind, but the look on his face is telling enough as he cocks his head to the side slightly before opening the door enough for Bro to walk into the room.
It takes a great deal of self restraint to keep himself from reaching out and touching the other man, as if he wants to make sure he's really there. Or that, in the short time they've been apart, he's missed him so much that he needs to embrace him. It makes him feel silly, but the feeling he gets when he sees Dirk is so indescribably good that it's very nearly worth appearing foolish and desperate.
His voice is soft when he speaks for the first time, but he's clearly twitterpated by the man's presence.]
[When Murdoc opens the door, it takes all of his willpower not to do one of two highly contradictory things; Run away, and throw himself into Murdoc's arms. Because that's two things he really wants to do right now. He wants to run away, because jesus christ what the hell is he doing? He wants to throw himself into Murdoc's arms because it would be comforting and honestly there isn't a place he'd rather be than in Murdocs arms, because he's the hugest sap ever.
But he didn't come here to do either of those things. He came to talk about his feelings. Because he owes it to Murdoc to do that. Or at least he feels like he does. And maybe there's a part of himself that wants to figure it out, too. Because up until now he hasn't thought about it much. Maybe he owes it to the both of them to explain why he's being such a goddamn selfish asshole by having pushed himself into the picture and planted his feet firmly into Murdoc's life.][And that's the truth. If he'd done anymore thinking about this, he would've chickened out. Because he doesn't know how to deal with feelings. Not like this. Now that he's thinking about all of it, he's scared. Terrified. Because for over fourteen years, he's denied himself these kind of feelings. And now that he's having them, he doesn't know how to handle them. Or even express them. He used to be good at expressing his feelings- sure he played the irony card, but the truth was a lot of what he did was genuine. But now he doesn't even know how to ironically express himself.
He steps closer, head tilted towards the floor so that he doesn't have to look at Murdoc right now. His heart is hammering for fuck knows why, and he's still fighting the urge to run away. He's being stupid, he tells himself. This isn't- or doesn't have to be- a big deal. So why is he making it one?
Because he doesn't have confidence in himself. Not in this regard. He doesn't feel confident in his feelings. He's gotten so attached to Murdoc and he feels stupid because of that. He's scared that his feelings won't be reciprocated. Like maybe Murdoc is going to think he's silly for having them. He's making a big deal out of this because he's scared.]
I wanted to tell you why. Because you deserve to know. You deserve to know why I came in and fucked everything up and made your life harder. Why I don't just go away. Why I do fucking care about you so much.
[There's a small pause, as he finally finds the courage to look at Murdoc. Before doing so, he reaches up to slide his shades off. Then, he meets Murdoc's eyes with his own.]
'Cuz when you looked me in the eyes, you saw a person.
[He's saying the first things that come to mind now, not holding back even if it all might sound corny as all fuck. He's never allowed himself to think about these things so much. He's never been able to admit these things ever since any of this began.]
You made me feel like a human for the first time in so fucking long. It's like you saw past everything. You didn't think I was a freak. Like I was more than just an object...Like...Fuck, like I was worth something more than just sex and shit. Nobody's ever treated me like that... not...Not since her.
How could I not care about you when you make me feel that way? When bein' with you makes old wounds finally feel like they're healing?
[He swallows, placing a hand on Murdoc's chest, and now he looks away again, because what he says next just makes him feel so damn embarrassed that it hurts.]
How could I not care about you when it feels like I'm so damn close to... falling in love?
[There. He said it. The word he's been avoiding for a while now. The word he's been terrified to use because he doesn't want to seem so vulnerable and stupid. It's not a love confession, but he honestly feels like he's getting there and he wants Murdoc to know that, even if he's terrified.]
[Murdoc is still worried. He can see Dirk is nervous when he walks in the room and it's making him nervous too. He's thought it over so many times, but it still would not surprise him if Dirk wanted to end things. It wouldn't surprise him one bit, but it would hurt. It would ache if he lost Dirk after all of this. He's never become so attached to someone over such a short amount of time and it makes him feel strange. Like he's clinging onto the other man and just refusing to let go.
Speaking of which, he'd dearly like to try that now. He wants to wind his arms around him and hold him as tightly as he can. It feels more real then. Like nobody could possibly take him away. He feels so much less lonely, too. It's so pathetic to him, he feels like a damn child.
It's only been ten years without a relationship for him. Similar to Dirk. It was not because he'd denied himself one, though. He simply hadn't had the time. Between work and his kids he'd really just forgotten how nice it felt to have that empty place in his life filled by someone. Someone who is more than a friend and not at all like his kids. Someone who would be able to just be there. That's all he really needs.
He inclines his head a little as Dirk speaks, making a face at the implication that he'd fucked anything up. He hadn't. He'd made it better. Why can't he see that?
He raises a curious eyebrow, a small smile curling at his lips as the shades are removed. He meets Dirk's orange eyes steadily with his own grey ones.
He remains silent, knowing he has more to say and it's obvious he needs to say it. Occasionally, that smile will tug on his lips again and he'll resist the urge to chime in.
When the hand is placed on his chest, he covers it with his own hand, widening his eyes a little at question and feeling his cheeks get just a little warmer. He can't help but sputter a little at that, because it's uncanny. It surprises him, so much, but it excites him to hear it. Like he isn't alone in this and that he isn't the only one falling so quickly.
He re-collects himself, clearing his throat and speaking over Dirk's head. Eye contact is just way too difficult for him right now.]
I think that.. was probably the first time I ever realised you were a person. In that sense, anyway. You looked so vunerable, I didn't even think you were capable of that. Now I keep lookin' at you and seein' more of a person than I ever imagined there was. A really damn good person, too.
[He grips that hand because this is getting hard to say.] You aren't fuckin' anythin' up, love. You're makin' it better. Much better.
[He takes a deep breath, humming a little to ease his nerves.]
And I suppose you could say if it feels this good to be around you now, I could really see myself fallin' for you too.
[In a way, he's glad that Murdoc can't bring himself to make eye contact. Because after all of that, he has a hard time being able to look him in the eye, too, and he finds himself looking everywhere but his eyes. As he waits for Murdoc to speak, he can feel the anxiety growing. He's fucking terrified that this is going to screw things up. That admitting all of that was a bad idea, that Murdoc is going to think it's silly of him to feel so strongly. He wouldn't be able to handle it, if that were the case. It would completely destroy any confidence he has in his own feelings- which isn't a whole lot in the first place. Basically a part of him is just... scared that his feelings are going to be invalidated. And they're so rocky right now that it would just not be good for him.
When Murdoc begins speaking, though, he can slowly feel those fears going away. Slowly, but it's a start. They're comforting- far more than one would think they would be. He shouldn't be comforted by the fact that he was vulnerable. That's one of the things he's always tried not to be. But damn if he isn't glad he was, because otherwise none of this would be happening if that hadn't happened. He's never been more grateful for once stupid moment of vulnerability, and his lips twitch into a smile at the memory. How confused he'd been that night... How conflicted. He hadn't known what the hell he'd wanted. But now he does. The memory is such a huge contrast to how he feels now that it's just... amusing, in a weird, masochistic kind of way.
When Murdoc grips his hand, his fingers twitch against Murdoc's chest, and his eyes flick towards Murdoc's for a moment. At those words, he feels even better. It's hard for him to believe, given how strongly he feels about it. But it's becoming easier to believe the more he hears it, even if there's still a part of him that wants to cling onto the belief that he's nothing more than a burden. Still, though, he's really glad to know that Murdoc thinks he's making things better.
It's Murdoc's last few words, though, that really get to him the most. That really just... make him feel like it was all worth it. Coming here, expressing all of the stupid thoughts he'd been afraid to express. It means that he isn't stupid for feeling this way. That Murdoc feels similarly. It's a really damn good feeling, and one that just leaves him speechless in the best way possible. He wanted to say something, though. He couldn't just... not. But it felt like there just weren't words to express how he felt. Some languages professor he was turning out to be, goddamn.
So that's when he decided to just... do something that he really hoped would be able to convey it; he tilted his head up and pressed his lips to Murdoc's, pulling his hand out from under the other man's so that he could wrap his arms around Murdoc's neck, pressing himself closer. He didn't move to deepen it, instead focusing on just trying to convey they intensity and the feelings he had. That it was really good to hear those things, and that he's just really fucking happy. Because he is. He can't remember feeling as happy and as relieved as he is right now ever.]
[It's funny how they both mutually uncomfortable right now. Both of them are so hopelessly pathetic with emotions that he's positive they'll look back and find each other's behaviour terribly endearing.
Honestly, it's a scary thing. Emotional encounters could be scarier than most aggressive encounters. It felt like there was a lot more to lose, a lot more to be judged over. If one of them said too much or spoke too soon it could potentially impact the situation in a way two men so inexperienced with relationships could handle.
That said, when Dirk looks at him, it really feels like he's said the right things. He isn't looking confused or angry, he looks content. It feels good to know his words have satisfied the other man. Though the silence is a little offputting, as it always is. He can't help being paranoid, things have never gone so smoothly for him before. Generally he talks himself into a hole.
Speaking of, he's about to open his mouth and ask if Dirk is okay when his lips are pressed against the other man. He supposes some things are better left unsaid as he leans into the kiss. His hands thread around Dirk's waist and he holds him close to him as tightly as he can.
It had taken them a damn long time, but it's safe to say that Dirk is well and truly his now. If anyone has a problem with that they can pry the other man from Murdoc's cold, dead hands. It was so difficult for him to form emotional attachment like this. Mutual attachment. So when it happened, he tended to feel it stronger than any other feeling. His satisfaction at maintaining such a close bond is near all consuming. He feels so damn good right now, he couldn't explain it if you asked. All he knows is that he doesn't want to deny anything anymore.
He hums happily into the kiss, trying to match Dirk's intensity with his own mouth.]
[There really isn't much more that can even be said between them. It's pretty clear that they've both said as much as they're physically capable of, and the only thing left now is this. And there's no denying that is this pretty goddamn awesome, because after all of that, this is easy. He knows how to do this. Everything else was unknown, but this isn't and it makes everything better.
He can tell that Murdoc is kissing him just as intensely, and it just fuels him on. He presses himself closer, his hands sliding down Murdoc's back as he himself lets out a happy sound into the kiss. As it continues, the air of his kiss becomes more intense and needy, and it's becoming clear where this is heading; especially as his hands finally make their way to rest on Murdoc's ass.
Because after all, there are no more words. Only action can really prove everything that's just been said true. And he intends to make it so.]
[Actions really do speak louder than words. For all their honest but fumbled sentences, it would really only be something leading up to the kiss. As genuine as the words may be, the rush of emotion in the physical contact was undeniable. Murdoc's hand is quick to cup Dirk's cheek, keeping his face steady as he kisses him in a manner that just seems to reiterate everything he'd said.
It's not deep and passionate like their first few kisses. It's desperate and wanting, like he wants his words to mean something and for his feelings to be returned through physical means. He's been aching for this for so long, he hardly knows how to conduct himself. He's almost certain he can't fuck it up now, so he lets his body make his choices for him.
He drops a hand downward and gives Dirk's forearm a tug, pulling back from the kiss enough to nod his head in the direction of a more comfortable surface.]
[Bro returns the kisses with as much desperation and wanting as Murdoc, if not moreso and it feels fucking good, knowing and feeling that Murdoc wants this- him- as much as he does. When Murdoc pulls away, he knows exactly what he's getting at and he's only too eager to oblige, glad to know that Murdoc's thoughts were the same places as his own. He needs this, needs to feel closer to Murdoc physically, as if it'll solidify everything that's been said.
So taking Murdoc by the hand, he lets Murdoc lead the way.
And then they proceed to have some really, really intense sex.
[Yes. That was intense sex if Murdoc ever had it. It wasn't like their first time, that had been a little awkward, particularly since it was Murdoc's first time.
This time? It was like they were perfectly in sync with each other. They were both begining to figure out what made each other tick and it was starting to get really damn good.
He rolls on his side, still enjoying the afterglow and gradually getting his breath back. He smiles lazily over at Dirk before reaching out to stroke his cheek.]
[Bro can safely say that it was even better than their first time. This one was just... different, on a whole different level. They were definitely figuring each other out, and that made it even better. But this time, there was more feeling to it and that much was obvious. Other times had been desperate- at least on his part, as if he had to make sure it was great in case it was the last time. But this time there wasn't that fear for that. Basically, it was just really fuckin' good.
He may or may not still be a little out of breath, laying on his back, chest heaving. His eyes flick over to Murdoc and a smirk curls on his face.]
You can say that again. [He presses slightly into the touch.] Fucking perfect, in fact. [No pun intended.]
[Murdoc smiles an honest, genuine smile over at Dirk. He loves this part. He loves looking over and seeing him there and he loves that nothing has stopped him from being able to do so.
He moves his hand up, running it through his hair and leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek.]
I'm startin' to think you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me.
[When Murdoc says that, it's hard for the smirk not to turn into a full on grin. Honestly, when you say things like that, what do you expect? But he manages to suppress it and just lets out a small, still breathless laugh, twisting so that he can lay on his side. He places a hand on Murdoc's chest and rubs it over the skin]
Are you trying to make me want another round? Because if so, it's working.
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wwistful) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
sortinghat_rp2012-10-21 01:47 pm
no subject
[Sorry, Murdoc. Obscure reference and all that jazz.]
[Filtered]
Before I agree or disagree on the conspicuity of my attendance, I feel like you should give me your idea.
Because seriously, I'm dying to hear it.
[Dreading it, more like.]
no subject
[Filter]
If you were to say, take a role in the wedding that requires a lot of time with myself, it would not be suspicious for you to be around me so much.
no subject
[Filter]
I
what're you saying, exactly?
no subject
[Filter]
I don't have a best man.
no subject
[Filter]
No seriously, I'm laughing way too hard.
Because you've gotta be kidding me.
no subject
[Filter]
Why would I joke about this?
no subject
[Filter]
I don't know, I mean I know your sense of humour isn't always the best...
But seriously, think about what you're asking me to do for a minute. Seriously think about it long and hard for exactly 60 seconds and then get back to me. Longer, if you honestly can't understand why I'm having you think about it in the first place.
no subject
[Filter]
There's nothing wrong with it. I'm perfectly good humored, thank you very much.
I already told you, if you were to take a big role in the wedding we could spend time together and it would be perfectly alright. It would be well worth the emotional efforts on your part, don't you think?
no subject
Yeah, that's all good and everything. Honestly that alone is what's making me not flat out refuse and nope into infinity.
But seriously, you're asking me to be the best man to your wedding. You want me to stand in the same room as my number one competition. You want me to publicly show my support on something that I couldn't be against any goddamn more if I tried. Do you not see how it's kind of a lot to ask of me?
no subject
I won't push you in either direction, you do what you feel is best for yourself and I'll manage no matter what the outcome may be.
no subject
Would it help?
You, I mean. Would it make it easier for you? Having someone there who actually
locares about you?[So many scribbles over that. So. many. He doesn't know why he even came so close to writing that. It was far too soon, wasn't it? To be... thinking about that of all things. The fact he came so close to writing it scares him. But he tries not to think about it, because it was a mistake.]
no subject
Honestly, I feel like you're the only reason I haven't had some sort of hideous break down already.
[He saw that and his heart skips a beat, but he doesn't want to push it or hope for something that isn't there. He's just. Really god damn curious.]
Do you care about me that much?
no subject
Even if he were to be completely honest, though, he wouldn't even begin to know how to word his feelings. He does care about Murdoc that much- that's becoming obvious. But he doesn't know the full depth of those feelings yet, even if they're clearly deep. The fact he nearly wrote love must say a lot, even though he's adamant that he really didn't mean to. Because he didn't. He just doesn't know why it even nearly happened at all.
It's at least a half hour before he can actually respond to Murdoc. He still doesn't know what to say, and he's still scared to actually attempt to be honest with him. It's around that time though, that he realizes the silence must be pretty damn telling on its own. Because no matter what he says, the silence has guaranteed that it will be under spotlight for scrutiny. He really shot himself in the foot by not being quicker with his thoughts.
So he just... finally decides to try and be honest. The only reason he has the courage to actually do it is because he doesn't want to come off like he doesn't care by trying to down play it. He's trying desperate to make sure Murdoc feels as strongly for him as he does Murdoc and if he pushes the man away, it'll never happen. And Murdoc's words themselves make Bro feel like maybe being honest isn't such a bad idea. Like maybe he has hope and that Murdoc won't be put off by him or judge him for getting so stupidly attached to him.]
I do, yes.
[He wants to be able to write more than that. To tell Murdoc how and why so that he can prove that it's actually true and that what he's saying aren't just words. But he doesn't know how to articulate them. For a languages teacher he's so incredibly bad at this that it's physically painful. After a moment, he realizes that maybe the problem is that he isn't face to face with him. That words can only go so far on a page.
After another moment, he starts to write a message asking Murdoc if he can meet him, but he decides not to do that. Because if he thinks about it, if it's planned, then somehow he'll chicken out.
So suddenly he's on his feet, not writing a single word after that very vague response. A few minutes later, he finds himself outside of Murdoc's office, the entire trip trying not to actually think about what he's going to say. Because he doesn't know what he's going to say. He just hopes like fuck that word vomit doesn't fail him, because as far as plans go, that's all he actually fucking has. Word vomit.
He knocks on Murdoc's door, drawing in a deep breath and trying not to be as nervous as he knows he feels like he should be.]
no subject
He isn't sure why, but the early stages of this relationship feel so delicate. Like he's scared of revealing too much of himself to the other man on the off chance he won't like what he sees and he'll want to get out of there and leave him alone in this stupid charade of a loveless marriage.
The radio silence is becoming maddening enough that Murdoc needs to pace to ease his nerves. Half an hour is ridiculous. He's scared him off, clearly. To be honest, even the idea that Dirk might have just fallen asleep is a little painful to consider right now.
In his little, ridiculous fit of paranoia, he'd managed to miss Dirk's message as it came in favour of grading some papers to ease his mind. When curiousity overcomes him and he checks the journal, he's perplexed by the short answer. It isn't nearly enough to satisfy his nerves. He's about to pose another question when he hears the knock.
Odd. He hadn't been expecting anyone. He doesn't want to get his hopes up in the likely event that it's a student asking a question or another staff member in need of him. Still, it's important enough to him that he crosses the room and opens the door himself.
He recognises Dirk the moment he opens the door, he tries to hold back a warm smile incase it gives too much away, but he can't help being happy to see him. There are a lot of things on his mind, but the look on his face is telling enough as he cocks his head to the side slightly before opening the door enough for Bro to walk into the room.
It takes a great deal of self restraint to keep himself from reaching out and touching the other man, as if he wants to make sure he's really there. Or that, in the short time they've been apart, he's missed him so much that he needs to embrace him. It makes him feel silly, but the feeling he gets when he sees Dirk is so indescribably good that it's very nearly worth appearing foolish and desperate.
His voice is soft when he speaks for the first time, but he's clearly twitterpated by the man's presence.]
Didn't think I'd see you here.
no subject
But he didn't come here to do either of those things. He came to talk about his feelings. Because he owes it to Murdoc to do that. Or at least he feels like he does. And maybe there's a part of himself that wants to figure it out, too. Because up until now he hasn't thought about it much. Maybe he owes it to the both of them to explain why he's being such a goddamn selfish asshole by having pushed himself into the picture and planted his feet firmly into Murdoc's life.][And that's the truth. If he'd done anymore thinking about this, he would've chickened out. Because he doesn't know how to deal with feelings. Not like this. Now that he's thinking about all of it, he's scared. Terrified. Because for over fourteen years, he's denied himself these kind of feelings. And now that he's having them, he doesn't know how to handle them. Or even express them. He used to be good at expressing his feelings- sure he played the irony card, but the truth was a lot of what he did was genuine. But now he doesn't even know how to ironically express himself.
He steps closer, head tilted towards the floor so that he doesn't have to look at Murdoc right now. His heart is hammering for fuck knows why, and he's still fighting the urge to run away. He's being stupid, he tells himself. This isn't- or doesn't have to be- a big deal. So why is he making it one?
Because he doesn't have confidence in himself. Not in this regard. He doesn't feel confident in his feelings. He's gotten so attached to Murdoc and he feels stupid because of that. He's scared that his feelings won't be reciprocated. Like maybe Murdoc is going to think he's silly for having them. He's making a big deal out of this because he's scared.]
I wanted to tell you why. Because you deserve to know. You deserve to know why I came in and fucked everything up and made your life harder. Why I don't just go away. Why I do fucking care about you so much.
[There's a small pause, as he finally finds the courage to look at Murdoc. Before doing so, he reaches up to slide his shades off. Then, he meets Murdoc's eyes with his own.]
'Cuz when you looked me in the eyes, you saw a person.
[He's saying the first things that come to mind now, not holding back even if it all might sound corny as all fuck. He's never allowed himself to think about these things so much. He's never been able to admit these things ever since any of this began.]
You made me feel like a human for the first time in so fucking long. It's like you saw past everything. You didn't think I was a freak. Like I was more than just an object...Like...Fuck, like I was worth something more than just sex and shit. Nobody's ever treated me like that... not...Not since her.
How could I not care about you when you make me feel that way? When bein' with you makes old wounds finally feel like they're healing?
[He swallows, placing a hand on Murdoc's chest, and now he looks away again, because what he says next just makes him feel so damn embarrassed that it hurts.]
How could I not care about you when it feels like I'm so damn close to... falling in love?
[There. He said it. The word he's been avoiding for a while now. The word he's been terrified to use because he doesn't want to seem so vulnerable and stupid. It's not a love confession, but he honestly feels like he's getting there and he wants Murdoc to know that, even if he's terrified.]
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Speaking of which, he'd dearly like to try that now. He wants to wind his arms around him and hold him as tightly as he can. It feels more real then. Like nobody could possibly take him away. He feels so much less lonely, too. It's so pathetic to him, he feels like a damn child.
It's only been ten years without a relationship for him. Similar to Dirk. It was not because he'd denied himself one, though. He simply hadn't had the time. Between work and his kids he'd really just forgotten how nice it felt to have that empty place in his life filled by someone. Someone who is more than a friend and not at all like his kids. Someone who would be able to just be there. That's all he really needs.
He inclines his head a little as Dirk speaks, making a face at the implication that he'd fucked anything up. He hadn't. He'd made it better. Why can't he see that?
He raises a curious eyebrow, a small smile curling at his lips as the shades are removed. He meets Dirk's orange eyes steadily with his own grey ones.
He remains silent, knowing he has more to say and it's obvious he needs to say it. Occasionally, that smile will tug on his lips again and he'll resist the urge to chime in.
When the hand is placed on his chest, he covers it with his own hand, widening his eyes a little at question and feeling his cheeks get just a little warmer. He can't help but sputter a little at that, because it's uncanny. It surprises him, so much, but it excites him to hear it. Like he isn't alone in this and that he isn't the only one falling so quickly.
He re-collects himself, clearing his throat and speaking over Dirk's head. Eye contact is just way too difficult for him right now.]
I think that.. was probably the first time I ever realised you were a person. In that sense, anyway. You looked so vunerable, I didn't even think you were capable of that. Now I keep lookin' at you and seein' more of a person than I ever imagined there was. A really damn good person, too.
[He grips that hand because this is getting hard to say.] You aren't fuckin' anythin' up, love. You're makin' it better. Much better.
[He takes a deep breath, humming a little to ease his nerves.]
And I suppose you could say if it feels this good to be around you now, I could really see myself fallin' for you too.
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When Murdoc begins speaking, though, he can slowly feel those fears going away. Slowly, but it's a start. They're comforting- far more than one would think they would be. He shouldn't be comforted by the fact that he was vulnerable. That's one of the things he's always tried not to be. But damn if he isn't glad he was, because otherwise none of this would be happening if that hadn't happened. He's never been more grateful for once stupid moment of vulnerability, and his lips twitch into a smile at the memory. How confused he'd been that night... How conflicted. He hadn't known what the hell he'd wanted. But now he does. The memory is such a huge contrast to how he feels now that it's just... amusing, in a weird, masochistic kind of way.
When Murdoc grips his hand, his fingers twitch against Murdoc's chest, and his eyes flick towards Murdoc's for a moment. At those words, he feels even better. It's hard for him to believe, given how strongly he feels about it. But it's becoming easier to believe the more he hears it, even if there's still a part of him that wants to cling onto the belief that he's nothing more than a burden. Still, though, he's really glad to know that Murdoc thinks he's making things better.
It's Murdoc's last few words, though, that really get to him the most. That really just... make him feel like it was all worth it. Coming here, expressing all of the stupid thoughts he'd been afraid to express. It means that he isn't stupid for feeling this way. That Murdoc feels similarly. It's a really damn good feeling, and one that just leaves him speechless in the best way possible. He wanted to say something, though. He couldn't just... not. But it felt like there just weren't words to express how he felt. Some languages professor he was turning out to be, goddamn.
So that's when he decided to just... do something that he really hoped would be able to convey it; he tilted his head up and pressed his lips to Murdoc's, pulling his hand out from under the other man's so that he could wrap his arms around Murdoc's neck, pressing himself closer. He didn't move to deepen it, instead focusing on just trying to convey they intensity and the feelings he had. That it was really good to hear those things, and that he's just really fucking happy. Because he is. He can't remember feeling as happy and as relieved as he is right now ever.]
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Honestly, it's a scary thing. Emotional encounters could be scarier than most aggressive encounters. It felt like there was a lot more to lose, a lot more to be judged over. If one of them said too much or spoke too soon it could potentially impact the situation in a way two men so inexperienced with relationships could handle.
That said, when Dirk looks at him, it really feels like he's said the right things. He isn't looking confused or angry, he looks content. It feels good to know his words have satisfied the other man. Though the silence is a little offputting, as it always is. He can't help being paranoid, things have never gone so smoothly for him before. Generally he talks himself into a hole.
Speaking of, he's about to open his mouth and ask if Dirk is okay when his lips are pressed against the other man. He supposes some things are better left unsaid as he leans into the kiss. His hands thread around Dirk's waist and he holds him close to him as tightly as he can.
It had taken them a damn long time, but it's safe to say that Dirk is well and truly his now. If anyone has a problem with that they can pry the other man from Murdoc's cold, dead hands. It was so difficult for him to form emotional attachment like this. Mutual attachment. So when it happened, he tended to feel it stronger than any other feeling. His satisfaction at maintaining such a close bond is near all consuming. He feels so damn good right now, he couldn't explain it if you asked. All he knows is that he doesn't want to deny anything anymore.
He hums happily into the kiss, trying to match Dirk's intensity with his own mouth.]
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He can tell that Murdoc is kissing him just as intensely, and it just fuels him on. He presses himself closer, his hands sliding down Murdoc's back as he himself lets out a happy sound into the kiss. As it continues, the air of his kiss becomes more intense and needy, and it's becoming clear where this is heading; especially as his hands finally make their way to rest on Murdoc's ass.
Because after all, there are no more words. Only action can really prove everything that's just been said true. And he intends to make it so.]
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It's not deep and passionate like their first few kisses. It's desperate and wanting, like he wants his words to mean something and for his feelings to be returned through physical means. He's been aching for this for so long, he hardly knows how to conduct himself. He's almost certain he can't fuck it up now, so he lets his body make his choices for him.
He drops a hand downward and gives Dirk's forearm a tug, pulling back from the kiss enough to nod his head in the direction of a more comfortable surface.]
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So taking Murdoc by the hand, he lets Murdoc lead the way.
And then they proceed to have some really, really intense sex.
And now it's time for pillow talk.]
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This time? It was like they were perfectly in sync with each other. They were both begining to figure out what made each other tick and it was starting to get really damn good.
He rolls on his side, still enjoying the afterglow and gradually getting his breath back. He smiles lazily over at Dirk before reaching out to stroke his cheek.]
That was good.
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He may or may not still be a little out of breath, laying on his back, chest heaving. His eyes flick over to Murdoc and a smirk curls on his face.]
You can say that again. [He presses slightly into the touch.] Fucking perfect, in fact. [No pun intended.]
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He moves his hand up, running it through his hair and leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek.]
I'm startin' to think you're one of the best things that's ever happened to me.
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Are you trying to make me want another round? Because if so, it's working.
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