10 Smuppets; Filtered to Sybille Matteris, unhackable

[plushaeusrumpified]

[It's safe to say that of all the things he's done in his life, this ranks in the top five most difficult things. But he's had a lot of time to think since their last talk. A lot of time to realize that he said some things that he really shouldn't have, irrationally and out of anger. But anger didn't justify it, and after talking with Murdoc he's started realizing how wrong it was of him to do. It's not to say that he's ready to make nice with her completely, but he does realize he needs to at least attempt to put some shit on the right track. Especially now that he's agreed to be Murdoc's best man. So it's with all of that in mind that he opens his journal and filters an entry to her. He hasn't really thought of what he wants to say, on account of if he did he would probably end up not doing it at all. So he's basically going in blind.]

Alright, so I have no reason to even expect you're actually reading this, but I guess I hope you are. I mean, if you skimmed right over it I wouldn't even blame you. Uh. I don't know if I should try and do something fancy to get your attention or not. Should I make this shit sparkle or what?

MATTERIS

HEY

ARE YOU READING THIS?

SYBILLE MATTERIS

Alright so from there on I'm just gonna assume that you're reading this. If you're not, then I'm pretty much screwed, but at least I tried.

So anyway. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what I said to you last time we talked. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realized how fucked up it was. You should be used to that though, right? Me sticking my foot in my mouth. I've done it ever since I fucking got here.

That doesn't excuse it though. If anything that just makes it worse, doesn't it? The fact I still ain't learned jack shit, even though you'd think I would have by now. But whatever, that doesn't matter. What does matter, or at least I hope it matters to you, is that I realize now that I was seriously out of line.

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed as hell about what you said. I'm not gonna harp on that, though. I just want you to know that I'm still not ok with that at all. Actually I'm still pretty much in the negatives as far as how ok that is. So I'm not apologizing for being angry at that. Because seriously, h

No, sorry. Okay, ignore most of that. Just draw from it the relevant bits and ignore any bitterness if you can.

Anyway. Basically just because I got pissy over it doesn't make what I said alright, and I actually feel really bad about it. No matter what, you didn't deserve that shit. And, my completely unbiased and matter of fact opinion is, you're still gorgeous, even if I'm mad at you. A lot.

Fuck, I'm really not good at this whole apology thing, I'm sorry.

I really am sorry for everything. So. If you're reading this, I dunno... D'you forgive me?

[There's two squares with yes and no drawn next to them.]

Check yes or no.

I'm just gonna sit here now staring at the page and hoping you actually read all this, because holy shit that's kind of a huge wall, how could you not notice it?

Notice the wall, Senpai. Notice it.

But no really, I'm done now.

Comments

[arachnoble]

[Okay she. Was not expecting this. Not in the slightest. She doesn't know what to say at first, and she stares at her journal for a long, hard moment. Maybe she should just leave it. Make Bro feel horrible for what he's said to her, but, no. She's above that, even if being petty is easier.

Still, she's not sure if she can really forgive Bro just yet. She taps her quill against her lip, before drawing a third box and writing maybe next to it. She then checks the box she just drew.]

I noticed. Trust me, it would be hard not to.

I accept your apology, but... I can't forgive you just yet. But, in time, I may will. I think I can do it for Murdoc's sake. He seems to care for you, and no matter what I may or may not feel for the man, I'm not so cruel as to let him suffer. Even if you thought, or still think, otherwise, I'm not that evil of a person.

[plushaeusrumpified]

[He can't say he's very surprised at her words. Honestly, he's pretty much in the same boat. He accepts what she said, even if he hasn't forgiven her, apology or not. And he's going to be like that for a while. It's not something that just goes away. He knows words stick for a long time. So he doesn't blame her for not forgiving him just yet.]

You can never be too careful when it comes to people noticing you.

Thanks. I understand. I can't just erase what I said. I know it's still there and I know it hasn't been long enough to go away. And believe me, I can understand doing shit for his sake.

[He's doing this mainly for Murdoc. Not entirely, but mainly, in that he's trying to get on Sybille's good side for him. He's apologizing because he legitimately feels bad, though.]

I know you're not evil. You're doing it for Vriska. There's nothing evil about doing whatever it takes for your kid.

Well, not inherently. You know what I mean.

Just.

Don't hurt him. Don't hold it against him for still loving you. He doesn't deserve to be punished for that, because he can't help it. Sometimes it isn't easy to let go.

[He speaks from experience. So much experience. Letting go of someone is a really hard thing.]

[arachnoble]

[Honestly, Sybille doesn't know if she will ever forgive him. She doesn't see why she should. What does Bro lose if she doesn't? Murdoc is already infatuated with him, regardless of what he says, and soon enough he'll stop loving Sybille and replace her with Bro. Their wedding will be just another loveless marriage between purebloods. (Sybille doesn't even believe he loves her now, not truly, and at this rate she never will. She doesn't see how he can. There's nothing about her to love.)]

I'm sure.

Are you apologizing to me for his sake? You wouldn't lose if you didn't apologize to me, even if you think he'll hold your words against you. He won't.

[She is doing it for Vriska, and in a way she feels justified for her actions. Still, she can't help but feel like she's doing everything wrong. She's just making one mistake after another, and everything is her fault. She could be doing something else. Something more, but she's given up and she's tired of fighting. And really, if she fights this one thing she'll just be forced to leave Vriska behind, which is the complete opposite of what she wants to do.]

It would be better for him. He'll let go soon enough, anyways. I've been replaced before, and he's fully capable of doing it again.

[plushaeusrumpified]

A part of me is doing this for Murdoc, yeah. But not entirely. The apology is sincere, though. Because I know what I said was shitty. So no, I'm not apologizing for him. But I'm trying to make nice because I know it'd be easier for him if we weren't at each other's throats. Considering the fact he asked me to be his best man, I think that's even more incentive to start putting shit behind us. And whether or not he holds it against me is irrelevant, it doesn't change the fact I'm sorry.

Look, I don't know the whole story. I don't want to know the whole story, because it's none of my damn business. But I honestly think that you're underestimating the depth of his feelings. No, I know you are.

Do you honestly think I'd be so damn defensive over him if I wasn't worried that he'd push me aside for you? I wouldn't give a single flying fuck if I thought he'd just forget about you because I'm in the picture. He loves you, he's not just going to fucking forget about you. I'm far from a replacement to you. No matter what he says, I'm always gonna be a goddamn consolation prize in comparison to you. So don't take it for granted.

[arachnoble]

He asked you to be his best man?

You're a better person then I am. You're kinder and more considerate. You're less flawed. Do you honestly believe that anyone could harbor feeling sfor me? I'm a mess, and I'm fine with that. I don't understand how he can love me if he realizes just who, exactly, I am. You don't have to worry about me getting in the way.

[plushaeusrumpified]

Yeah, he did. I was surprised, too.

Honey, you've gotta stop downing yourself like that and give yourself more credit. You captured his heart. I know this for a fucking fact. And just look at what kind of guy he is and consider that a hugeass accomplishment. It ain't easy getting him to like you, let alone fall in love with you. Obviously you're doing something right if you can say Murdoc Donoghue loves you.

The self pity thing really doesn't suit you, anyway.

[arachnoble]

So you'll be there.

It's not downing myself when I can admit I've done nothing to charm people. I know I can be charming and all of that, but to capture someone's heart for so long seems...Impossible. Maybe I've never given him credit, ever. But I don't think I'd want him to love me. I know I'll hurt him again, and again, and he shouldn't be stuck with someone who can only hurt people.

I'd rather not lose him again, and if breaking his heart now is the only way to keep him from leaving me in the end, so be it.

[plushaeusrumpified]

Yeah, I will. Which is one of the reasons I figured doing this would be a good idea.

You're starting to give me feelings whiplash here, Matteris. You say you don't want him to love you cuz you'll hurt him, but then you turn right back around and say you don't want to lose him.

What the fuck do you want?