10 Smuppets; Filtered to Sybille Matteris, unhackable

[plushaeusrumpified]

[It's safe to say that of all the things he's done in his life, this ranks in the top five most difficult things. But he's had a lot of time to think since their last talk. A lot of time to realize that he said some things that he really shouldn't have, irrationally and out of anger. But anger didn't justify it, and after talking with Murdoc he's started realizing how wrong it was of him to do. It's not to say that he's ready to make nice with her completely, but he does realize he needs to at least attempt to put some shit on the right track. Especially now that he's agreed to be Murdoc's best man. So it's with all of that in mind that he opens his journal and filters an entry to her. He hasn't really thought of what he wants to say, on account of if he did he would probably end up not doing it at all. So he's basically going in blind.]

Alright, so I have no reason to even expect you're actually reading this, but I guess I hope you are. I mean, if you skimmed right over it I wouldn't even blame you. Uh. I don't know if I should try and do something fancy to get your attention or not. Should I make this shit sparkle or what?

MATTERIS

HEY

ARE YOU READING THIS?

SYBILLE MATTERIS

Alright so from there on I'm just gonna assume that you're reading this. If you're not, then I'm pretty much screwed, but at least I tried.

So anyway. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what I said to you last time we talked. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I realized how fucked up it was. You should be used to that though, right? Me sticking my foot in my mouth. I've done it ever since I fucking got here.

That doesn't excuse it though. If anything that just makes it worse, doesn't it? The fact I still ain't learned jack shit, even though you'd think I would have by now. But whatever, that doesn't matter. What does matter, or at least I hope it matters to you, is that I realize now that I was seriously out of line.

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed as hell about what you said. I'm not gonna harp on that, though. I just want you to know that I'm still not ok with that at all. Actually I'm still pretty much in the negatives as far as how ok that is. So I'm not apologizing for being angry at that. Because seriously, h

No, sorry. Okay, ignore most of that. Just draw from it the relevant bits and ignore any bitterness if you can.

Anyway. Basically just because I got pissy over it doesn't make what I said alright, and I actually feel really bad about it. No matter what, you didn't deserve that shit. And, my completely unbiased and matter of fact opinion is, you're still gorgeous, even if I'm mad at you. A lot.

Fuck, I'm really not good at this whole apology thing, I'm sorry.

I really am sorry for everything. So. If you're reading this, I dunno... D'you forgive me?

[There's two squares with yes and no drawn next to them.]

Check yes or no.

I'm just gonna sit here now staring at the page and hoping you actually read all this, because holy shit that's kind of a huge wall, how could you not notice it?

Notice the wall, Senpai. Notice it.

But no really, I'm done now.

Comments

[plushaeusrumpified]

Yeah, he did. I was surprised, too.

Honey, you've gotta stop downing yourself like that and give yourself more credit. You captured his heart. I know this for a fucking fact. And just look at what kind of guy he is and consider that a hugeass accomplishment. It ain't easy getting him to like you, let alone fall in love with you. Obviously you're doing something right if you can say Murdoc Donoghue loves you.

The self pity thing really doesn't suit you, anyway.

[arachnoble]

So you'll be there.

It's not downing myself when I can admit I've done nothing to charm people. I know I can be charming and all of that, but to capture someone's heart for so long seems...Impossible. Maybe I've never given him credit, ever. But I don't think I'd want him to love me. I know I'll hurt him again, and again, and he shouldn't be stuck with someone who can only hurt people.

I'd rather not lose him again, and if breaking his heart now is the only way to keep him from leaving me in the end, so be it.

[plushaeusrumpified]

Yeah, I will. Which is one of the reasons I figured doing this would be a good idea.

You're starting to give me feelings whiplash here, Matteris. You say you don't want him to love you cuz you'll hurt him, but then you turn right back around and say you don't want to lose him.

What the fuck do you want?