1 Sad, Sad Story

[heartwrenching]

[ooc: This? Is a complete lack of filter. A message intended for Gryffindor is on the loose, possibly done intentionally to make a point.]

Ahhh, the match between Slytherin and Ravenclaw is coming up, and that means some leisurely time for-

AHAHAHAHA I can't even finish the sentence! My little joke is just too damn funny! It's so funny I [inkblots, shaky writing, some tear from the quill being pressed way too hard into the paper]almost can't take it!

Teammates, I have an important announcement! Ah, my proud little lions, my radiant favor smiles upon you! Some especially so. You know who you are. Keep this up and I'll have to really be on my toes next year if I want to retain my captaincy and for this, I am so, so very, very glad. Don't think that I haven't caught the subtle but heady aroma of unquenchable revolutionary hunger wafting off of some of you. OHO, no no no NO. I can taste it - it is like ambrosia! - and this promise of a challenge sustains me.

But others.

Ohhhh, others, others, others, others, others. Far, far, far too many others!

I don't know if you've become distracted by school or if you've gotten sloppy over the holidays or if your mind has turned into an impassable, confusing labyrinth of hormones or if the birth pangs of this new post-war existence of ours has turned your life upside down or if you've just gone DEAD inside - the hot blood coursing through your veins chilled blue by some unseen and unstoppable force of doubt and dread!! You are not the same players that made it through my incredibly scrupulous and only occasionally arbitrary cuts! And this makes me sad. I've never known such sadness! It's RIPPING ME APART. And when I'm this consumed with despair, I take swift action.

As a wise man once said, the flavor of revolution is delicious, and Gryffindor, I am laying out the freshest ingredients for coup d'état for you.

The members of the team who have been making me so depressed will find a letter in a red envelope on their pillow. The contents are all long and personalized, but the core message is the same: shape up or I kick you off the team. Kick is a metaphor, of course! I much, much prefer beating people with my fists!

If you're not currently on the team, you've got the chance to dazzle me. For once, every Gryffindor is invited to watch the team practice. Stick around after we're done and show me what you've got. Anything's possible.

[ooc: why yes, this is a petition for new Quidditch team members, how did you know??? It's just the Graham and Amelia Show right now and I'd love some co-stars. So. sign-upsign-upsign-up]

Comments

[ificanmince]

That is... A lot of words.

I must say, I have never understood the appeal of a team sport. Or any sport. Perhaps you can enlighten me!

[heartwrenching]

I've been told that I use 30 words where 5 would suffice, but I consider this a compliment! Far, far too many words go unused every day, and there's nothing worse than having ONE purpose in life but being completely incapable of fulfilling it! So I'm just obliging them! I'm very generous, when you think about it.

What ISN'T there that's appealing?! I'll have you know I once made a list with every reason I could come up with of the pros of sports in general, team sports in specific, and Quidditch in ultra-specifics heretofore unknown by mankind! It was thirty pages long.

But I SUPPOSE I could distill these reasons down to a short list, even though such criminal brevity goes against everything that I stand for. EVERTHING. Give me a few of your interests and I can directly reveal how Quidditch fulfills them splendidly.

[ificanmince]

...If you say so. I do not think the words really care!

I do not really do team efforts, or serious competition, but let's see if you can persuade me... I enjoy music... And beautiful girls! Anything fun, really!

[heartwrenching]

Maybe, maybe not! But I know that if I were an inanimate concept with no actual feelings, I would be INCREDIBLY irritated that nobody ever considered how I felt! I'll stick to being conscientious just in case.

Ahh, Naveen, you just mentioned two of the biggest draws of being a member of the Quidditch team! Imagine with me, Naveen, let us go on a flight of fantasy: it's the height of the game. The scores are close, tensions are high, perhaps even blood has been spilled! Suddenly, our Seeker catches sight of the snitch and takes off in hot pursuit! Everyone cheering for Gryffindor breaks out into thunderous applause and, between the rhythmic pounding of feet and voices crying out loud and clear, the ever-growing ever-intensifying wave of sound BECOMES music. NEW music - wild music that calls no one person master but is the product of many hearts - made for the team specifically!!

And as for beautiful girls, honestly, playing Quidditch is a ludicrous draw. Have you not ever been in a Quidditch merchandise store? I've seen shops torn apart by enormous catfights that break out over the last poster of many a handsome Quidditch star! Now, imagine if that Quidditch star were you.

[ificanmince]

I... Am not sure that first part makes sense.

However! What you say about this music of the crowd, it does sound... Amazing! I will admit that.

But I do not need to be a Quidditch star to have girls adore me.

[ladyliberty]

And don't forget, I'm on the team.

[ificanmince]

This is a draw I had not considered.

[ladyliberty]

That's what I thought.

[ificanmince]

Perhaps I can look into this...

[ladyliberty]

Are you sure you can handle it? It's hard work.

[ificanmince]

There is a first time for everything!

[ladyliberty]

Good luck.

[ificanmince]

Thank you!

[yerawwizarderi]

holy fuck do you actually think anybody fuckin wwent through all a that

[heartwrenching]

People who possess adequate literary skills, yes. But it looks like you're still learning about punctuation, grammar, AND spelling - in other words, every last thing there is about reading! So I understand if people with such severe deficiencies like you struggle since I didn't ONCE wander into familiar territory for you. For example: what sound a doggie makes.

[yerawwizarderi]

wwrong theres leewway for stylistic choices but i wwouldnt expect the sort a fuckin dwweeb wwho goes on like hes got anythin wworth sayin to understand that you fuckin sack a shit

[reportedly]

Hmm.

Worth a look into.

[heartwrenching]

It's worth a look, an ogle, AND most especially an interested leer!

[reportedly]

Well when you put it like that how can I resist?

[heartwrenching]

Yes, it's irresistible! With reasons to join the team so long and glorious, ranging from the very noble purpose of enjoying the feel of group dynamics to the very petty but so, SO satisfying purpose of showing off in front of certain other Houses, how could one say no?!

[reportedly]

Well, I just don't think I can. I'll be there.

[ladyliberty]

Are you saying you like my perfume?

[heartwrenching]

Perfume is applied to the body, in other words, an unnatural addition that has nothing, nothing, nothing at all to do with a person's true nature. It isn't even a SUPPLEMENT, as that implies that it's just amplifying something innate, and in all of my long and storied years of sniffing things intentionally or otherwise, I've never met somebody who smells like roses the minute they roll out of bed!

No, no, I'm talking about things that come naturally, that burn brightly in a person's purest essence. A spiritual scent, if you will!

[ladyliberty]

Well I appreciate the compliment.

[heartwrenching]

GOOD! Real compliments from me are rare, so treasure it like a fine gem!

Oh yes, and seeing as I have nigh-godlike omniscience when it comes to goings-on at the pitch, I know about the practice session you had with your little beau. How likely a candidate is he for being team-worthy?

[ladyliberty]

I'm not totally sure he'd survive.

He might have better luck as a chaser.

[heartwrenching]

Is that so? How disappointing! If you ask me, true love means being able to beat and be beaten equally - to reach a stalemate of blackened eyes and bruised chins and cut lips and broken...! [inkblots]

But I digress! Fortunately for your brittle boyfriend, the other chasers are not on my good side at the moment. If he tries out, there is a chance!

[ladyliberty]

I totally agree! But he's not actually my boyfriend.

[selfhatred]

TL;DR. NOBODY FUCKING CARES ENOUGH TO READ THAT SHIT.

[heartwrenching]

Why, what you've said is so familiar! I know I've heard it once before, but who? Where? When? Or was it perhaps in a dream??

Ahhh, no no, yes, I definitely remember now! A certain Mr. Eridan Ampora!!

You two must have so much in common to be on such a similar wavelength.

[golgotha]

Beautifully put my good man! Because of your riveting speech i believe i might take a shot at this quidditch malarkey as i have nary an interesting hobby to do in my idle time. Im also quite the huge fan!

Sign me up!