001

[givesyouaboner]

_{[Dirk has glanced from his homework to the journal his uncle got him for over an hour now. Writing something in there sounded like a lot more fun than trying to catch up on assignments after missing so much school. He hasn't a clue of what to say, so he just rolls with the first thing that comes to mind.]}


I can't wait for the school year to end.
It's getting ridiculously difficult to keep up with all of my assignments, especially knowing that in September, I start at Hogwarts.
Regular school work is boring in comparison to the idea of learning magic.
Plus, summer will be awesome for reasons.

Comments

[plushaeusrumpified]

i hope youre avoiding those dirty journal predators.
the ones that like to prey on innocent firsties.
id watch out.
dont give em your full name.
dont make me get all to catch a predator up on somebodys ass.

[givesyouaboner]

Oh no, it's too late.
I already made plans to meet someone tonight in a dark alleyway.

[plushaeusrumpified]

well fuck kid.
you didnt waste any time did you.
was this your secret plan all along?
use the journal to get laid?
was it one of those sick and twisted games.
where they thought it was their idea.
but really you were pulling the strings the entire goddamn time?
like a fucking strider.

sorry to say though youre a bit too young for that.
try again in a few years.

[givesyouaboner]

Yolo, Uncle Dirk.
It has to be now; I can't wait until my life is over for it.
What if he's the one?
He said he's a sensitive guy who only wants to cuddle and have long walks on the beach.
How can I possibly resist?
It's a match made in heaven.

[plushaeusrumpified]

aw fuck.
ok.
you win.
i cant argue with that.
not when you sound so sincere.
just use protection ok?
id hate for you to get knocked up.

[givesyouaboner]

Don't worry, I'm already on the pill.
It still works when you take antibiotics, right?
Not that it matters!
If I have a baby I'll get to be on Teen Mom and be famous.

[plushaeusrumpified]

i hate to break it to you but.
youre missing a key requirement for that.
which means theyd probably have to make a new show just for you
prepubescent mom.

[givesyouaboner]

That's even better.
I'll show the world just how sassy I am and all the other eleven year olds will wish they were me.

[plushaeusrumpified]

and suddenly there was a population explosion as every 11 year old in britain decided to follow your example and get pregnant.
and parents everywhere complained.
and your tv show was canceled.
way to go dirk.

[givesyouaboner]

It would be a success.
Corrupting all of the youth would give me a spot on Jerry.
Maybe even Good Morning, America.
Can you say English Invasion?

[plushaeusrumpified]

dude no.
you know maurys the way to go.
fuck jerry.
you are the fucking father dirk.
its you.

[givesyouaboner]

Oh gosh.
My poor baby is going to be so confused.
All that time, she would've thought I was her mother.
She's too young for the talk.
I just can't.

[plushaeusrumpified]

and when did you suddenly decide its going to be a girl?
thats fucking blasphemous.
you know the strider breakfast needs another sausage.
we dont have fucking tacos for breakfast in this house dirk.
thats just not a thing.
im forbidding you from having tacos.
no tacos will spew from your anus.
only sausages.
end of fucking discussion.

[givesyouaboner]

Don't you pay attention to the news?
All that red meat is bad for your health.
You can't tell me how to live my life.
I'll leave and never see your misogynist butt again.
I'll live out my days braiding flowers in my daughter's hair.

[plushaeusrumpified]

youre 11 and pregnant and misogyny is the thing youre worried about most.
fuck i love your priorities dude.
and you cant get rid of me.
ill shake my misogynist ass against your window while you do her hair.
you can never escape my ass of misogyny.

[givesyouaboner]

No way I'd let that happen.
You'd traumatise her.
And me.
I don't wanna see your butt or your misogynist buttcheese.
Go away.
I'm changing my name.
Not a Strider anymore.

[plushaeusrumpified]

excuse me.
my ass is flawless and she will love it.
no incesto though.
she would love it in a totally platonic way.
and so will you.
and i have asscheese now?
well shit i guess i know what i can spread on your toast tomorrow.
gotta find a good use for it.

nope.
you cant fucking renounce the strider name.
once a strider always a strider.
sorry kiddo.
youre in it for life.

[givesyouaboner]

I would rather vomit in your Wheaties.
Hate to break it to you, but your bum leaves a lot to be desired.
It's saggy.
Sure you do that.
I guess you forgot I'm allergic to bread.
You enjoy it; I hear it goes down well with milk.

I already did.
I'm a Smith now.
Good riddance.

Text > Action

[plushaeusrumpified]

[Bro doesn't respond. Instead he finds Dirk wherever he is in the house and sneaks up on him. He backs up to him and then begins rubbing his ass all over his back.]

I'm rubbing my asscheese all over yoooou.

[givesyouaboner]

_{[sdrkjghsjkfdhsdkghskfjd]}

UGH. What are you doing! Stop!

_{[He scrambles to his feet and runs out of the bedroom.]}

[plushaeusrumpified]

[Bro can't help but laugh at Dirk's response because holy shit that's hilarious. It reminded him of something Dave would probably do.]

Come back Mister Smith!

[He follows after him.]

[givesyouaboner]

_{[Unfortunately, there are only so many places he can hide. That's okay though because the running is good for him, considering all of his excess energy.]}

No way! I don't associate with Striders!

[plushaeusrumpified]

[He finally catches up to Dirk and then dives at him, tackling him to the ground. He makes sure not to do it too roughly, because he's not in strife mode. He's in play around like an immature dumbass mode. He rolls over Dirk and pins his arms to the floor just hard enough that Dirk can't escape.]

Is that so, little man? Does this mean you're gonna have to move out? Strike out on your own, make a name for Smith to rival that of the Striders?

[givesyouaboner]

<sub>[Dirk never played with his dad like this; he was always too busy. It's needless to say that he's having a lot of fun with this. He couldn't exactly roughhouse before when he was the only one around. He squeals, trying to break free from his uncle's grip.]

Yup! Striders will never be able to compare to the Smiths.</sub>

[plushaeusrumpified]

[Bro was enjoying this way too damn much for his own good. He hadn't played around with a kid since Dave was younger. But obviously he was doing it now just for purely ironic purposes.]

Is that so? And just how do you plan on making it b-

[It was at that time he pretended like Dirk's attempts at breaking free caused him to lose balance, so that he fell sideways onto his back, thus allowing Dirk the chance to get on top.]