TWELVE ♋

[selfhatred]

[filtered from Equius]

IF ZAHHAK ASKS IF YOU'VE SEEN ME, YOU HAVEN'T.
SERIOUSLY, MY LIFE IS ON THE LINE HERE.
I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TOLD HIM TO READ 50 SHADES OF GRAY.
AND THEN LENT HIM MY COPY.
WITHOUT TELLING HIM THE REAL PREMISE.
BUT SERIOUSLY.
YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

Comments

[selfhatred]

I'm not trying to psychoanalyze anything! [Karkat drags his hand down his face with a small sigh.] And...god this is going to sound lame, but...I thought you might be able to talk about things with another guy. Even if it is me.

[clockspinner]

[Dave just stares for a minute, eyes hidden behind his shades. His expression becomes inscrutable.]

Aite fine, if you're so eager to listen to the tragic adventures of Dave Strider's lonely ochinchin, then sit your ass down and let's make this a party.

Once upon a time, there were three dickbears. There was Papa dickbear, Big Brother dickbear, and Little Brother dickbear. And then one day, Hansel and Gretel came wandering into the forest looking for a place to sleep. So Big Brother dickbear, feeling pretty goddamn magnanimous, offered his bed to the derptwins. Hansel 'no homo'd off into the sunset on a magnificent steed, but Gretel felt sorry for Big Brother dickbear and so she made out with him and let him touch her boobs, and Big Brother dickbear's throbbing meat truncheon was very satisfied.

And then Papa dickbear set the house on fire with everyone inside, and they all died. The end.

[selfhatred]

[One thing that ticked Karkat off more than anything was Dave's way of wording things, but he stood there and listened to the other Gryffindor without saying much of anything about it. He gave a small sigh before he straightened his shoulders, staring at Dave, deciding to use his lingo.]

So Big Brother dickbear was rejected by Hansel and sought comfort in Gretel even though he wasn't really into it.

[clockspinner]

[Being confronted with his own language instead of frustrating the other person into ollying out was something completely new to Dave, and it pulled him up short. He scratched at one ear, then the other, glancing around the room as he combed his hair down over them with his fingers.]

More like Big Brother dickbear didn't even wanna bother trying, after Hansel basically skywrote 'no homo' in sparkletext.

But -- fucking -- UGH It's not that Big Brother dickbear doesn't fucking like Gretel, too, he's not using her as a beard --

You know what? They're all dead. I said so. Papa dickbear burned the house down. The end.

[selfhatred]

[He tilted his head, drawing the inside of his mouth between his teeth and chewing on on it a little. This was beginning to sound like something, but he needed a little more information before he made any assumptions. He raised a hand, waving it nonchalantly.]

Hypothetically, say they were still alive...would Big Brother dickbear prefer to be with Hansel more than Gretel?

[clockspinner]

No!

...Yes. Maybe?

This is retarded. I'm out.

[Dave brushes past Karkat easily and heads for the door.]

[selfhatred]

[With a small sigh, Karkat turns to watch Dave head for the door before speaking.]

Once upon a time, there was a Little Merman. Things were pretty cool under the sea where he lived with the King and Queen of the merpeople and his sister, the Princess, until one day he started hanging out with a human, above the water.

The man was a Prince, a little airheaded at times but probably one of the best friends the Little Merman had ever made. They understood each other, and the Little Merman thought he might even be in love with the Prince.

[Karkat leaned back against one of the beds, looking down at the floor.]

But the Prince was in love with an alchemist, and the Little Merman felt like he never stood a chance.

[clockspinner]

[Dave freezes at the door, but he doesn't turn around to face Karkat. He's not sure how to respond to that. On the one hand, he really doesn't want to be having this conversation anymore. On the other hand, ugh, that was too fucking personal-sounding for Dave to just ignore. He's not a total jackass, he just plays one on Twitter.]

Seaweed's always greener in somebody else's lake, huh.

[selfhatred]

[It was kind of personal, but Karkat didn't really know of anything else to say. He's kind of relieved that Dave doesn't turn around to face him, but he does shift his hands into his slack pockets, closing his eyes so he didn't have to look at him before turning away so his back was to Dave.]

It was a big mistake though. If he was still alive, the Little Merman would be telling Big Brother dickbear to try again. And not to screw up like he did.

[clockspinner]

[Dave lets out a heavy sigh and drops his head back a little, before rubbing at his face with his hands. He still doesn't turn around, and it's a long, heavy moment before he speaks.]

Do you think it's unfair to Gretel?

[selfhatred]

[He shrugs, even though he knows Dave probably hasn't turned to look at him. He lifted a foot to rub the back of his shin, thinking the question over.]

Mmm...Gretel's a strong girl. She's not weak, or petty. She might get upset, but she won't hold it against Big Brother dickbear. She'll be happy for him and Hansel, even if it takes her a while. Because she loves them both regardless.

[clockspinner]

[Dave hesitates another long, long moment, staring down at his shoes.]

I think...I think Big Brother dickbear really could have been happy with Gretel. Picket fence, all that shit. He just. Wouldn't know until he actually gets shot down.

...If he hadn't, you know, caught on fire and died.

[selfhatred]

[Karkat gives a thoughtful hum.]

What makes you so sure he still couldn't have had that with Hansel?