2nd ♋

[candycrabapple]

WELL I'M GETTING THIS OUT OF THE WAY FIRST BECAUSE IT'S THE NOT IMPORTANT PART OF THIS WHOLE ENTRY.

IT'S PROBABLY A GOOD THING NO ONE DIED OR WAS HORRIBLE INJURED OVER THE WINTER BREAK, EVEN THOUGH A FEW OF YOU DESERVED IT DUE TO OVERWHELMING STUPIDITY ON A SCALE THAT NOT EVEN THE DINOSAURS COULD COMPREHEND.

NOW, CAN WE GET TO THE POINT NOW THAT THOSE SENTIMENTS HAVE BEEN POSTED AND OBSERVED? WELL I'M MOVING ON ANYWAY.

BECAUSE IT'S MORE THAN A LITTLE OBVIOUS THAT *EVERYONE* HERE IS A SLAVE TO THEIR MOST PRIMAL AND POWERFUL URGES, AND PROBABLY SCREWING THINGS UP, I AM GOING TO BE OVERWHELMINGLY GENEROUS TO THE SCHOOL AND OFFER MY SERVICES. I AM SOMETHING OF A ROMANCE MASTER, I CARRY SUCH SKILL THAT THAT IF YOU WERE EVER TO SEE ME AT FULL FORCE YOUR EYES WOULD SHOOT OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND YOUR JAW WOULD DISLOCATE IN SHOCK AND AWE OF ME.

SO, IF ANYONE IS HAVING ANY RELATIONSHIP TROUBLES, COME TO ME AND I'LL HELP YOU KEEP YOUR DATE OR EVEN HELP YOU GET AROUND TO ACTUALLY TELLING SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THEM INSTEAD OF JUST MOONING OVER THEM FROM A DISTANCE LIKE THE SADDEST AND UGLIEST PUPPY IN THE STORE THAT WAS NEVER BOUGHT.

Comments

[mo_cara]

RiGhT oN, mOtHeRfUcKeR!
eVeRyOnE sHoUlD bE oPeNiNg ThEm ClOgGeD hEaR dUcTs FoR yOuR aDvIcE!

[candycrabapple]

WELL, THAT'S JUST FUCKING OBVIOUS. OF COURSE THEY SHOULD LISTEN TO ME, CONSIDERING I'M PRETTY MUCH THEIR ONLY HOPE, WHEN SOME OF THE TEACHERS CAN'T EVEN SEEM TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER IN THAT DEPARTMENT. WHICH STUNS AND SADDENS ME TO DEGREES THAT NO ONE COULD EVER HOPE TO UNDERSTAND.

[mo_cara]

Oh, YeAh, WeReN't PrOfEsSoR dOnOgHuE sUpPoSeD tO bE gEtTiNg HiTcHeD oR sOmEtHiNg?

[candycrabapple]

YEAH, THAT WHAT SO BEYOND A MASSIVE CLUSTER FUCK OF EVENTS. AND STUPIDLY SUDDEN, OF COURSE IT WAS DOOMED TO FAIL.

[mo_cara]

He SeEmS lIkE hE wOuLd Be OkAy To MaRrY.
bEtTeR tHaN pRoFeSsOr MaTtErIs, aNyWaY.

[candycrabapple]

CONSIDERING HER ATTITUDE TO MOST THINGS THE FACT SHE IS A MARVEL TO SOCIO-PSYCHOLOGISTS THE WORLD OVER.

EVEN IF MOST OF THE TEACHERS HERE ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS, CONSIDERING HE HAS TO PUT UP WITH HAVING A GENETIC CONNECTION TO ERIDAN AND CRONUS, HE NEED'S SOMEONE TO LOOK AFTER HIM FOR A FUCKING CHANGE.

[mo_cara]

ErIdAn'S pReTtY aLl RiGhT.
i ThInK hE mIgHt Be A hOmO, tHoUgH, kInDa LiKe Me ExCePt He'S aLl HaViNg A tHiNg FoR cApToR.

[candycrabapple]

ERIDIAN IS A DIPSHIT OF EMPIRICAL PROPORTIONS.
WHO GIVES A SHIT WHO HE HAS OR HASN'T GOT A THING FOR. HIS BIG MOUTH AND HOLIER-THAN-THOUGH ACTIONS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO SCREW IT THE FUCK UP. BECAUSE HE STILL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT BEING A JACKASS DOESN'T WORK AS A FLIRTING STRATEGY.

[mo_cara]

hAvInG a BiG mOuTh MiGhT bE pReTtY gOoD dEpEnDiNg On WhO a BrOtHeR wAnTs To GeT bUsY wItH.
;o)

[candycrabapple]

THERE ARE TIME I WONDER IF THE AMOUNT OF SEXUAL THOUGHTS YOU HAVE ARE HEALTHY OR JUST INSANELY OVER ZEALOUS.

[mo_cara]

YeAh, I tRiEd To AsK aBoUt ThAt, BuT tHeN i GoT dEtEnTiOn FoR a MoNtH.
:o(

[candycrabapple]

YOU SAY THAT LIKE I WASN'T THE ONE WHO HAD TO SIT AROUND WAITING FOR YOUR DETENTIONS TO FINISH SO YOU WOULDN'T END UP DOING SOMETHING UNNATURALLY POINTLESS, CAUSING YOU TO END UP WITH EVEN MORE DETENTION. THAT MEANS I WOULD HAVE TO WAIT BEHIND FOR EVEN LONGER WHICH BELIEVE ME WOULD HAVE PISSED ME OFF MORE THAN YOU WOULD HAVE EVER TRIED TO IMAGINE.

[mo_cara]

I dOn'T eVeN tRy ImAgInInG ThAt ShIt No MoRe.
;o)

[candycrabapple]

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE DEVELOPED INTO AN UNCARING JACKASS FROM ALL THOSE DETENTIONS, THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T EVEN TRY ANY MORE, YOU UNFLAPPABLE SHIT.

[mo_cara]

NaH, bRo, I cAn StIlL gEt My FlAp On PrEtTy GoOd!

[candycrabapple]

WOW, MY HEART SOARS WITH YOUR ABILITY THAT YOU STILL, ON OCCASION CAN STILL GET YOUR FLAP ON. MY FEARS ARE NOW ABATED BECAUSE I WAS SO WORRIES YOU MIGHT HAVE TO GET A FLAP-ECTOMY.

YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH.

[mo_cara]

yEaH, bUt YoU gOt LoVe In YoUr PuMp BiScUiT fOr Me, AnyWaY.
;o)

[candycrabapple]

DEPENDING ON THE DAY THAT IS THE MOST HOTLY CONTESTED STATEMENT THAT COULD EVER BE CONTESTED IN THE HISTORY OF DEBATABLE TOPICS.

BUT I GUESS I CAN BEGRUDGINGLY ADMIT THAT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU'RE LESS OF A PAIN IN MY PALE ARSE THAN NORMAL.

[mo_cara]

WeLl, YeAh, BrO, cAuSe We AiN't LiKiNg EaCh OtHeR lIkE tHaT.

[candycrabapple]

EAT SHIT AND DIE, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT HOW I FUCKING MEANT IT. YOU MAKE MY SPLEEN WANT TO CLIMB OUT OF MY BODY AND STRANGLE ME FOR PUTTING UP WITH YOU.

[mo_cara]

wOaH, sPlEeNs HaVe HaNdS?
mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLeS!

[candycrabapple]

HERE'S AN IDEA. FUCK YOU. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

[mo_cara]

SoUnDs MiGhTy FiNe, BeSt FrIeNd!
;o)

[candycrabapple]

[He just glares and swears at the journal as if that would make himself clear to Gamzee and his stupid comments.]

[actuallyspeakslatin]

It's not even February yet, so why are you trying to set people up?

[candycrabapple]

IT'S NOT NOT SETTING PEOPLE UP, I'M JUST HELPING PEOPLE GET OVER THEIR NEEDLESSLY ABUNDANT INSECURITIES SO THEY CAN DEVELOP A NERVE TO ASK OUT THE PERSON THEY LIKE, OR SHOW PEOPLE WHAT THEY'RE DOING WRONG IN THEIR CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SETTING PEOPLE UP TO ME. EVEN THOUGH I'M PRETTY SURE I COULD MATCH EVERYONE IN THIS SCHOOL WITH A HIGH RATE OF SUCCESS. JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, NO THAT SERVICE ISN'T CURRENTLY AVAILABLE.

ALSO, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE VALENTINES DAY IN ORDER TO TELL SOMEONE YOU HAVE FEELINGS OR FINDING WAYS TO SHOW SOMEONE YOU'RE WITH THAT YOU STILL CARE.

[actuallyspeakslatin]

You should focus on helping people get rid of their insecurities in general, not just when it comes to relationships.

I'm not interested in any services currently.

[candycrabapple]

I DO TELL PEOPLE HOW TO DEAL WITH THEIR INSECURITIES, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO HEAR. AT LEAST THIS WAY PEOPLE WILL BE MORE LIKELY TO THANK ME THAN TO TELL ME TO FUCK OFF.

WELL THAT'S FANTASTIC, MARVELLOUS TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE COMPLETELY CONTENT WITH WHERE YOU ARE IN LIFE. UNFORTUNATELY EVERYONE ISN'T YOU, AD THEY ALL NEED HELP.

[actuallyspeakslatin]

I doubt it.

Well if that's the case, you better charge.

[candycrabapple]

AFTER KNOWING GAMZEE FOR AS LONG AS I HAVE, I'VE LEARNT TO USE THE FIRST TIME IS FREE. ONCE THEY GET A TASTE FOR MY ADVICE THEN I START CHARGING THEM. EASIEST SET UP TO EVER WORK WITH REALLY.

[actuallyspeakslatin]

That's a logical business plan.

[candycrabapple]

OF COURSE IT'S A LOGICAL BUSINESS PLAN, OR IT WOULDN'T BE WORKING FOR ALL THOSE IDIOTS ON TV OFFERING 30 DAY FREE TRIALS.

BUT IT MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY WORK FOR ME IF I DON'T END UP GETTING REPEAT BUSINESS IF I DO TOO GOOD OF A JOB IN MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY.

[marshall_lee]

I have to ask, what exactly is it that makes you a Master in the romance department?

[candycrabapple]

WELL LETS JUST START WITH THE FACT THAT I AM FANTASTICALLY ABLE TO READ PEOPLE, HAPPEN TO BE MORE THAN SLIGHTLY AWARE OF EVERY ROMANTIC GESTURE THAT CAN BE MADE IN ORDER TO GET THE RIGHT MESSAGE ACROSS TO THE RIGHT PERSON.

ALSO, IF I REALLY FELT LIKE IT, I COULD MATCH THE RIGHT PEOPLE TOGETHER WITH HIGH SUCCESS RATE.

I WOULDN'T BE OFFERING MY SERVICES TO EVERYONE OTHERWISE, WOULD I NOW?

[marshall_lee]

Really? I'm curious as to what you get out of me and who you'd try to set me up with.

[candycrabapple]

WELL CONSIDERING I BARELY SAID MORE THAN HANDFUL OF WORDS TO EACH OTHER DURING OUR ENTIRE SCHOOL CAREER, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO IT RIGHT OFF THE BAT. BUT I AM CERTAIN I COULD PICK YOU THE RIGHT GIRL, OR GUY.

[marshall_lee]

Fair enough. This is my first year here after all. We can hang out and talk any time. I'm usually in the music room during my free periods.

And I prefer girls but I wouldn't say no if I just happened to click with another dude.

[candycrabapple]

OH YEAH, SURE, HANGING OUT IS REALLY A THING I DO WITH JUST ANYONE ON A DAY-TO-DAY BASIS. TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO, I'LL GET OUT MY DIARY AND JUST CHECK THOUGH ALL THE BUSY ENGAGEMENTS I HAVE GOING ON THROUGH MY WEEK AND SEE IF I CAN PENCIL YOU IN SOMEWHERE HOW DOES THAT SOUND TO YOU?

FINDING YOU SOMEONE WORTH CLICKING WITH IS THE EASY PART, THAT HARD PART IS MAKING SURE THAT YOU DON'T FUCK IT UP SO MONUMENTALLY THAT THEY GO TO GREAT LENGTHS JUST TO AVOID YOU.

[marshall_lee]

Well, when you put it that way how can I resist?

I just like to keep things casual when it comes to dating and I'm always upfront about that. If someone doesn't get that it's hardly my fault.

[candycrabapple]

WELL YOU HAVE A POINT THERE, BECAUSE CLEARLY MY CHARM RIDDLED WORDS ARE SO OBVIOUSLY TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO RESIST.

CASUAL DATER, BE STILL MY RAPIDLY BEATING FUCKING HEART. WELL AT LEAST I CAN EASILY ELIMINATE ANYONE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE SOMETHING TO GO SOMEWHERE WITH SOMEONE. WHICH PROBABLY NARROWS THE FIELD DOWN QUITE A BIT ACTUALLY SO THEN TECHNICALLY THERE IS A CHANCE YOU COULD BE IN LUCK THERE.

[marshall_lee]

Clearly.

I have my reasons for only being a casual dater. I can't really go into it but at least it's something that I'm upfront and honest with. I would never want to lead someone on.

[candycrabapple]

WELL FINE. IF YOU WANT I CAN FIND YOU SOMEONE CASUAL BY VALENTINES IF YOU REALLY ARE INTERESTED, BUT I DON'T PROMISE ANYTHING. AS AMAZING AS I AM IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU OR THEY WILL FUCK SOMETHING UP.

SO IT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE THAT WE SHOULD MEET UP ON A WEEKEND OR SOMETHING SO I CAN GET TO KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO MATCH YOU.

[marshall_lee]

Understandable. You can't control other people's actions and it would be pretty stupid for people to expect that or place the blame on you.

That's fine. I really don't have much going on except Music Club so I can meet you whenever your schedule permits.

[candycrabapple]

JUST BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STUPID DOESN'T MEAN THAT PEOPLE LACK THE COMMON BRAIN FUNCTION TO BLAME THEIR ACTIONS AND JUST GO AND BLAME WHAT SET EVERYTHING UP. BUT WHO AM I TO GET ANGRY AT HUMAN NATURE I GUESS? MUGGLE OR WIZARD PEOPLE ARE POINTLESSLY STUPID ABOUT THE MOST SENSELESS THINGS AND IT ALWAYS ENDS UP WITH ME HAVING TO DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT.

WELL, I'M USUALLY AROUND GAMZEE, OR DOING HOMEWORK IN THE LIBRARY. SO I'M PRETTY EASY TO FIND, SEEING AS LOOKING AFTER THAT COLOSSAL ASS-CLOWN IS ONLY TWO RUNGS DOWN FROM BEING A FULL TIME JOB, I DON'T HAVE MUCH ELSE TO DO WITH MY TIME.

[marshall_lee]

This is why I like living alone most of the time.

All right. I'll look for you there and if you're not busy we can talk then.

[candycrabapple]

WELL THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN ACTUAL USABLE PLAN, SO GOOD. SEE YOU THEN.