sortinghat_rp | 3 Rescued Princesses

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3 Rescued Princesses

I'M A TEENAGER TODAY!!

STATS FOR AGE 13:
+ 5 Strength
+ 4 Agility
+ 1 Charisma
+ 0 Intelligence
- 3 Wisdom

So now that I'm in the teen zone, all you guys who are already there need to start spilling the deets. Do we get a special card? A secret handshake? Tell me everything. Every time I've asked Jake about being a teenager, he just said a bunch of stuff about hair and bad smells and feelings, but I'm like 99% sure he only said that to keep from spoiling the surprise.

Speaking of Jake, he'll be here on Sunday for the family day thing! If you haven't met him, you should, since he's the best bro in the universe.

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If there's some kind of card or secret handshake I got left out too.

...though technically you're not a kid anymore so that's kind of a plus.

Maybe we have to undergo some kind of trial to get them. Like it's at the end of some super deadly labyrinth with monsters in it.

The "Kids Couldn't Handle All These Fire Squirrels, So Good Thing You're Dapper Young Dudes and Dudettes"... Labyrinth.

I've explored a pretty good chunk of this castle..if that exists it's really well hidden.
...We should go look for it.

YES. Immediately!

Hmm. Now what would be the best place for somebody to hide a big, dangerous, monsterful, awesome coming-of-age labyrinth?

Well, it would have to be in or around the dungeons right? If it's that huge and all.
Or in the Forbidden Forest but..we can't go there.

Ugh! This would be so much easier if stuff in the castle didn't shift around and make it so hard to keep an updated map.

It's almost like the castle doesn't want us to achieve our true teenagery potential.

... Coraline. A life-changing realization just hit me. What if the labyrinth shifts around too?

I bet that's one of the challenges.

I...I never thought of that before! Dude! If that's true then the labyrinth could shift and let the monster out.

So not only is it up to us to come of age, but we have to keep everyone else from turning into monster chow!

Man! Jake wasn't kidding about new teen responsibilities!

...all of them?

Because I gotta be honest here Finn..there are a few people I personally wouldn't mind seeing become monster chow.

(aaand now Coraline is imagining the possibilities of having the other Quidditch team members out of the picture.)

Coraline I-Don't-Know-Your-Middle-Name Jones! I'm surprised at you! Of course we need to at least try to rescue everyone, because even if they're huge patoots, almost everybody has the potential to unpatoot themselves!

Besides, they might haunt us as gross chewed-up ghosts if we didn't.

Hmm..I suppose those are good points. Besides, who'd want to be haunted by someone that got on my nerves for the rest of their life?

Where should we begin looking for the monster? I bet it would be near the dungeons.

Oh boy. Are you ready for the secret initiation ritual?

I have never been readier.

Meet me in the common room after class this afternoon and I'll take you there!

[Finn had been a buzzing little ball of eager energy all day, even more than usual. He'd barely concentrated through class, but that didn't matter any more. He sought out Amelia in the common room and gave her the best salute he could muster.]

Finn Mann, Rookie Teenager reporting for duty and proper initiation, ma'am!

I knew you wouldn't let me down, buddy! Alright, put this on.

[She pulls out a piece of cloth and makes to tie it around his head as a blindfold.]

[Finn waves his arms around a bit like a doofus, grinning the whole time.]

Haha, whoa! I can't see a thing! I bet this is, like, symbolic or something. I didn't know teen rituals were so deep!

You ain't seen nothin' yet, kiddo. Watch your step now. [We're heading toward the portrait hole! Beep beep!]

So, can you tell me anything about what I'm supposed to do when we get wherever we're going? Oo! Oo! Is there a gauntlet??

... A gauntlet? Uh, no, there's nothing like that. I'll explain everything when we get there.

Aw, no gauntlet? Well, I guess that is a bit much for 13. I bet you get that when you turn 17. The Gauntlet of Maturity!

So, how was your teenage initiation? Was it awesome? Ooh, or does that count as giving away details?

Well I can't give up the details but I can tell you, it was pretty awesome.

BoNeRs!
MoThErFuCkIn BoNeRs EvErYwHeRe!

Boners...?

Preeeetty sure I had bones before today, dude.

yEaH, yOu PrObAbLy DiD, bUt NoW yOu'Ll GeT eVeN mOrE!
mOtHeRfUcKiN tRoUsEr BoNeRs, BrO!
;o)

Trouser boners?

Y'mean my legs?

nAh, MoThErFuCkEr, WhAt'S bEtWeEn 'Em!

You mean my...

AAaaAA! OH CRUD OH CRUD OH CRUD WHAT ABOUT IT?! WHAT HAPPENS?! D-DOES 'BONERS' MEANS THE SKIN FALLS OFF?!

Oh, uh ... man, no, I don't motherfuckin' think so. It's more like you get a bone on the inside? Like, I don't know if it's all being an actual bone, but I guess it could be! Like, your prick bone or something. And it only comes out when you're in the mood for makeouts.

Okay, that's, uh... that's less bad than what I was thinking. But it still totally sounds like a wide-awake nightmare, dude!

Why would it even do that?

'Cause it's all motherfuckin' excited! Like, it wants to gets its party on with whoever you're making out with, right? So, it's like ... [pause, as Gamzee tries to think] You know when you're all flipping off the handle, because you're so motherfuckin' scared, and all the hairs that are doing their own thing on your neck, they all decide they better get with the other motherfuckers and all stand up at the same time?

It's like that! Except instead of scared, it's for sexy times, bro!

[The best explainer, it is him.]

Man, my birthday can't come any sooner. Why isn't it May?

Oh hey, dude, I got Maka to get me a present to give to you last Hogsmeade weekend. It's on your bed.

It's not May yet so I can get the hang of all this teenagering and give you the heads-up when it's your turn!

And oh sweet, that's really awesome of both of you! I wonder what it is.

You're only a couple of months older than me, dude, it's not like there's gonna be much difference.

Hope you like it. I had to convince her not to get you anything boring. Like a book or something.

But there's still a difference! Who knows, maybe being a teenager for 2 months unlocks some really sweet abilities.

Well, even if it was a 500 page book called "The History of Super Boring Things Only Maka Likes", it'd still be nice that she did it anyway. But I am glad it's not that.

wwhat
you mean
you havvent got the talk yet

Dude, I learned to talk when I was still in diapers. That was, like, 12 years ago!

right i forgot youre a fuckin moron
not to talk
THE talk
the one wwhere somebody sits you dowwn and explains wwhats goin to happen to you noww ovver the next couple a years

I'm not a moron! I've just chosen to put all my skill points in... non... brain stuff. That's called strategy.

But, uh, I guess nobody's given me the talk then!

wwoww
somebody should a told you about the boils
and the hair
and the moment wwhen your vvoice fuckin inexplicably givves out on you in the middle of a convversatiion
and wwhen you wwake up in the night and the sheets are all sticky
and the smell
youre so fucked finn better get out wwhile you still can before you just fuckin humiliate yourself in front a evveryone

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3 Rescued Princesses

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[turns into the squeakiest scream of a voice half-way through]

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