[05]

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

tHESE DREAMS ARE, uH, gETTING RIDICULOUS,
i WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
nOT WITH THEM, i MEAN, i THINK ANYWAY,
aND WHY IS IT HAPPENING IN THE, sHACK OF ALL PLACES,
i DON'T, uH, gET IT AT ALL,
aND i REALLY WISH i WOULD STOP WAKING UP WET, TOO,
iT'S, sUCH A MESS, aND i HAVE TO DO WAY MORE LAUNDRY THAN i USED TO,
bUT i DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT,
oKAY ACTUALLY i DO CARE ABOUT THAT,
mUM KEEPS ASKING ME WHY i HAVE SO MANY DIRTY PANTS,
iT'S A LITTLE EMBARASSING ACTUALLY,,,
bUT MOSTLY i JUST WISH i KNEW WHY, tHIS IS HAPPENING,
kARKAT AND GAMZEE ARE, uH, jUST MY FRIENDS,
i DON'T LIKE THEM LIKE THAT,
i'M NOT GAY,
sERIOUSLY, sO, bRAIN, pLEASE STOP TRYING TO CONFUSE ME,
iT WOULD BE REALLY NICE OF YOU,
i HAVE TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH, i DON'T NEED TO BE CONFUSED, tOO,
i THINK i'LL JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP, aFTER CHANGING PANTS, i GUESS,
wRITING ALL THIS MADE ME FEEL BETTER,
kEEPING THIS DREAM JOURNAL WAS A GOOD IDEA,
i, uH, nEED TO HAVE THOSE MORE OFTEN,
aNYWAY, gOOD NIGHT, jOURNAL,

Comments

[Spelled private]

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

[...Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

And suddenly it was as if... everything made sense. And it was as if a wall had physically knocked into Tavros, because he drops his quill and it smears ink all over the page as he just sits there, staring. Thinking back, and thinking to the shack, trying to picture it happening, but with little success. But it didn't matter, because. All he could really really focus on was one thing.

That Gamzee hadn't... been joking. And. He'd been the Jade in that situation. Oh god. But. He didn't know what to say, and he just stares at the page, his mind racing a million miles an hour as he tries to digest all this information. Finally, he picks up the quill.]

no,
gamzee, no, you're not shitty!
not at all, i,,, i'm sorry,
you're not a waste, of space, either,
please don't, say things like that,
you're my best friend, okay?
and,,, it is important, because,
they're your feelings, and, those are important, to me,
i,
thought you were joking,
i really did,
gamzee, i'm sorry,
i,,,
don't know what's going on, right now,
and i don't know what else to say,
but,,, i'm sorry,
for everything,

but you're the best friend i've ever had,
i hope you know that,
and,,,

[He wants to say more. He really, really does. But he doesn't know what he actually wants to say, because... he hasn't gotten to that point yet. The words that should come are lost to him, and he just stares at the page, ink dripping onto it for a long time.]


i need to go, too, actually,,,
i'm sorry,

[And he closes the journal, because. He doesn't know what to do anymore, and he's just going to curl up in a ball and think. And maybe cry a little, because suddenly everything is so much shittier than it had been a few hours ago, and he's more confused and his headache is growing by the second.

Yeah, he's definitely going to cry, especially thinking how he must have hurt Gamzee so badly. He never meant to be Jade. He never even knew. He was so stupid.]

[Spelled private]

[mo_cara]

[Whenever Tavros comes back to his journal, he'll find the following note, written in slightly more erratic handwriting than usual:]

It ReAlLy DoN't MaTtEr, Ok?
JuSt DoN't EvEn Be ThInKiNg On It.
We'Re AlWaYs FrIeNdS, aNd ThAt'S tHe ThInG wHaT mOtHeRfUcKiN mAtTeRs.
JuSt DoN't StOp TaLkInG tO mE?
pLeAsE?

[Because Gamzee's pretty sure he'll break into a million bitty pieces if this whole incident makes it so that Tavros never wants to talk to him again.]