Roxy gave me the most orange kitten ever. She's really cute and fluffy. I named her Orangina. Last night she slept on my pillow by Lil' Cal. When school starts, she's coming with me too.
[Okay, wow. Your Spanish is a lot better than his, but he can get the gist of the meaning well enough to respond accurately. The joys of a privileged education.]
Nope, there's nothing more to life for me. I'm grounded; there's no crossing the street for me. It's going down the road both ways while taking a bath.
But seriously? Wow. I'm not sure what to think right now. TMW I'm not sure if I should feel insulted or not. You're the one who's actually emo. You feel like tacos.
That explains a lot. Maybe you should lay off the tequila some so you don't get sick. Or fat. I'm pretty sure that's a thing if you drink too much. Or is it just with beer?
No, I'm not. I'm honestly feeling perfectly fine right now anyway. Unless you're legit about the grounding then I'm going to kick you when you come home.
have you seen my abs. theyre impervious to fat. they kick fats ass and send it packing. and then its upducted by aliens. you should see it though its adorable.
heres the deal. youre not grounded if you let me take you out for tacos. koala tea time together being bros eatin tacos. and i dont mean vags okay. youre too young for that. no sex until youre 13 okay. thats the rules. but seriously taco brodate y/n/cumquats?
good. lets pretend this moment never happened starting in 3 2
[1 mysteriously never comes. The implication being never forget.]
Uhhhhhh Not sure if want. Let's leave it at that. Seriously though wtf?
Okay, cool. Year and a half and I can start bringing home all the foxy ladies. I'll leave a hat on the doorknob, no worries. Hold on, I have to seriously think about this. Weigh out all the potential possibilities and consequences. Y 5ever. Show me the ways of the taco.
dirk no. no dirk. dirk pls. you dont watch tv do you. oh my god i need to educate you on all the british telly. which how even the actual fuck is that a thing. youre british and i aint. somethings wrong with this picture little man. oh well though well fix it. were gonna hop on netflix and binge the shit outta some d-who. d-strides watching d-who. itll be the raddest fucking thing you dont even know.
thats right. just be careful though strider sperms magical. i swear it knocks up anything. you need like three condoms. and then like a shitton of spermicide. i swear its insane. you could probably knock somebody up right now even. just by having a boner and looking them in the eye. shades do nothing to stop it. general vicinity eye contact through the shades is just as fucking potent. holy shit i think i just knocked somebody up. oh fuck. well youre getting a cousin hope youre happy.
fuck yes. itll be the best brodate dude. now the question is do we wanna do this right. yknow taco bell. or actually get the real fancy kinda tacos. the kind that wont give you the runs the likes of which roadrunner would be jealous. idk im conflicted on the matter myself.
The telly never has anything good on. Why would I even bother? Besides I can find streams for anything I want to watch online. That's what the internet is for. Skipping all the boring shit and going right into what's hot and fresh out of the oven. But I suppose this can be a thing. I mean, your tastes aren't that bad so I could manage. If it's lame I call dibs on putting something actually good on.
Whoa whoa, I've gotta draw the line there. That's not sexual reproduction happens. I've watched the Discovery Channel before. Besides, using that many condoms at once only causes friction and raises the percentage of ineffectiveness. This was a theme in one of Dad's movies and he told me it was legit. But if I'm wrong? Holy shit, Uncle Dirk, be careful. Don't knock up all the ladies; they'll want child support. Our flat isn't big enough to house all the babies.
To be honest I'd rather forego runs and stomach cramps. I don't feel like I'm going to curl up and slowly die. That's why curry just isn't a thing, yanno? Gotta pass on the lamb vindaloo everyday. Let's go to a legit place, sit our asses down and each nachos and drink horchata while waiting. Then we can get some churros for dessert. After that we can do some stuff that's so badass all the other bros in the world would cream themselves with jealousy.
oh hell. so i know who to blame when the fbi shows up being all like YOUVE BEEN DOWNLOADING ILLEGAL SHIT. its you and your damn ponies isnt it. im uninstalling utorrent from your computer dirk. no more illegal immigrant hoofbeasts for you. also youre questioning my taste in shows now too. hypocritical no? do i question yours. no. do i judge them secretly in my head when where you can never see? yes. consider my feelings dirk. consider them and how you might have just hurt them. jesus christ. i made you a pony bed and this is the thanks i get. dont question the doctor. the doctor is fucking flawless and he will wreck your shit. without even having to lift a finger. hes the fucking baddassest of badasses. i have like the biggest boner right now for the guy just thinking about it holy shit. wait you didnt need to know that oops. wow im fucking drunk what even. nah you know what idc if you know about my boner for the doc. everybody should have a boner for him. im gonna give you boners for the doctor too dirk. wait. okay im just gonna stop right there because reasons.
oh snap you watch the discovery channel. oh shit now ive got a song stuck in my head. you and me baby aint nothin but mammals so lets do it whoa wait nevermind. i forgot how raunchy that is and im not even going to sing it to you. anyway yeah thats totally fucking how it is for striders. we defy the discovery channel. but ill be careful because guess what. im gonna invent eye condoms. somehow. idk how though. but thats a thing that ill do. also what movie is this i never watched it. i never watched any of his movies actually. my bad. but i can handle the child support nbd. i dont have a puppet porn biz for nothing. i can pay for all the bitches kids. it can be like the fucking striduggers up in here. a kid for every letter of the alphabet.
jesus fucking christ i want tacos now man. and yeah we can forgo the runs. because if we eat at taco bell. itll be the run olympics. gold medal in toiletsplosions. how the hell have you never had taco bell though. i mean how is that even something that is physically possible. youre a strider. but anyway yeah lets go to a classy place. i gotta google classy taco places. i just gotta be careful though with the wording. i might get classy brothels or sth. and that would not make a very good brodate i think. because then wed just see a lot of bad asses. which are srsly not the same as badasses. which well be. if we can find a classy taco place. i need help with this dirk i dont know how to google nonsexual things ok. help.
Well hey, at least knowing this I know not to bother asking if you want to watch anything with me. I don't think I want to watch this Doctor show with you anyway. Get a boner for something you've got a boner for? Wow, no. That's too awkward, man. You know I'm always down for doing awesome family things to make up for the lack-thereof, but this is a bit too much for me. Check back in four years? Or rather, not even at all. I'm sorry Uncle Dirk, but this is the way it's gotta be. I'll soothe your sensitive feelings some other way eventually. Give it time and it'll be nothing but a dull ache, and soon you'll forget it even was a thing at all.
Yeah, let's pretend that wasn't a thing either. We can save the mental images of you cage dancing in a monkey suit for another time. I'd rather not have any nightmares tonight. How shitty would that be, considering. I think it's about time you were cut off, though. Tell the bartender you've had enough. Time to pick yourself up and drag yourself off to bed. We're bros right? I gotta keep you from pursuing pterodactyls. Seriously, that's a thing you don't want to happen. You'll have a broken pelvis among other things in the morning, and I really don't think you want a cast there. They look like you're wearing a diaper.
Okay. Seriously. How have you not seen any of his movies. Imagine me making this face at you: :| Imagine me staring into your soul with that very expression, judging you for all eternity. I'm not watching anything you want me to watch until you watch them.
You realise with the more Striders there are in the world the more awesome we lose. There's be an overabundance. Surplus, if you will. You know what happens to the economy when there's surplus. But whatever; I can't stop you from making poor life decisions.
Gosh, Uncle Dirk. If you love tacos so much, if you want them so badly, why don't you marry them? Or at least see if they'll make you some. But yeah, I googled a place. Apparently there are a lot of Mexican restaurants around here? Though to be fair, there doesn't look there's any in Kensington, according to Google Maps. That would explain a lot. Apart from that, I don't think Dad ever really liked it? Or if he did, we never went to a Mexican restaurant. A lot of classy French ones and the occasional tapas bar, but not that. When I was at home I usually just microwaved chicken nuggets anyway. I digress. There are several restaurants in the area, but I found one that looks quality about three kilometres from here. I guess we can go whenever you come back?
oh. well fine. ok. you dont have to. i mean its whatever.
[The next part comes a few minutes later, after he realizes that there was more to respond to. Don't mind him, he was just really fucking excited over watching the series with Dirk. But it's nbd.]
yeah no im not done drinking. sudden urge to chug down a few more actually. cant stop wont stop. bottoms up. or down. side to fucking side who even knows.
[He's just not in the mood anymore to respond to anything else.]
[Dirk realises he's said something wrong when the first response comes. By the time the second part appears in front of him, he doesn't feel like anything less than absolute shit.]
[He stares at the pages for a long moment. He can't quite make out the words that Dirk scribbled, so after another few moments, he gets out his wand and spells away the scribbles. What he sees makes him feel like shit.]
thats not true dirk. at all. dont ever fucking say that again. dyou understand? because then i really will fucking ground you for the rest of your life.
look i guess i just. why did you even say it if you didnt mean it.
its not true though. and im not a liar. so you cant disagree. seriously dirk. i promise youre not a shitty son.
or nephew.
right. yeah. i mean. i should know that by now. ive had a lot of practice there. but seriously its fine if you dont want to. idc. you dont have to force yourself to do shit with me if you dont want to. im a big boy. nothing a bottla jack wont cure. hell maybe i should get all my favorite boys up in here for a party. seriously though whatever dirk its fine. ill be alright dont beat yourself up. youre not a bad guy. like i said i love you. ive got your back. even if you dont have doctor boners or w/e.
Fucking fuck shit shit hell damn it why does this happen. This happens more than it ever should. Making Dirk cry is just. something he does way too often and he hates himself for it every time. Goddamn it. Fuck everything. Fuck.
He heaves himself off of the futon and instantly the world is spinning. Fuck. He stumbles forward, trying to make his way to Dirk's room, but he ends up stumbling into the hallway wall, falling to his knees.]
Mother of fuck. [Because he can't even get this right. He can't even make it in there to comfort the kid he just made cry. He has to be the single shittiest person in the entire world. It's not even a question by this point, he knows it's true.]
Dirk... [He tries to call out for him. He hopes like fuck that it comes out loud enough for him to hear. He's hardly able to judge how loud his own voice is.] Please...
[After tossing his journal from the top bunk to the floor, Dirk lays down and tosses his blankets over his head. He's just trying to regain control over his emotions. He wants to bottle everything up again, because getting upset over this? It's so stupid, and he feels bad for it.
He hears Bro, but for a good minute or two, he stays laying in his bed. He almost decides to not get up at all, but in the end he wipes his face with his pyjama sleeve and climbs down from the top bunk. He opens the bedroom door quietly and steps into the doorway, but he doesn't do anything else. He's not even sure what to say or do. Hell, he didn't even know Bro was home prior to this moment.]
[It takes Bro a few seconds to register the fact that Dirk spoke. The room is spinning and it's really hard not to fall over onto his side. When he looks up and sees Dirk standing there, it's all he can do not to fall- but he actually does fall, because he can't stop himself. He rolls over onto his back and when ends up looking at Dirk upside down.]
I... I'm s-hnnnn... I-hnnn...
[He swallows back the heaves, swallows down the bile rising in his throat. He has to speak, he can't vomit. He's pretty sure if he vomits at this angle, he'll probably die anyway.
He'd be doing them a favour.]
I'm s-sorry... [He lifts his arm shakily, beckoning Dirk to come forward. He wants to hug him. He just can't move to initiate it himself.]
[Dirk's hesitant to move, particularly because it looks like his uncle's about to retch. It takes him another solid minute make his feet move that couple metres between them.
Slowly, he sits down, parallel to Bro's upper torso, then leans over, partially on him, to rest his had on Bro's chest.]
[At first he's afraid that Dirk won't come over, and his stomach twists even more. But finally, thankfully, Dirk does and Bro feels better. When he sits down, he throws an arm over him and pulls him as close as he can.]
I'm not...acceptin' your apology, because... y'got nothin' to be sorry for...
[He sounds tired, slurred, but genuine. To be honest he can barely remember what he was even mad at Dirk about in the first place. Well, he can. But it seems so fucking inconsequential now.]
[He's all but clinging to Bro, and it's not until he realises the patch of shirt against his face is soaked that he realises that he's crying again. He knows he does it entirely too much but he can't always get it to stop, like right now.]
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I GUESS I SHOULD SAY TW HERE??
Nope, there's nothing more to life for me.
I'm grounded; there's no crossing the street for me.
It's going down the road both ways while taking a bath.
But seriously? Wow.
I'm not sure what to think right now.
TMW I'm not sure if I should feel insulted or not.
You're the one who's actually emo.
You feel like tacos.
PROBABLY...
i just wanted to let you know that im drunk.
just gonna toss that out there.
annnd.
i really am not sure if youre being srs or not anymore.
so youre not like really gonna do that or anything.
because like i said i cant even tell.
i dont even know how i managed to write all that spanish.
you know i love you right.
OOPS
Maybe you should lay off the tequila some so you don't get sick.
Or fat.
I'm pretty sure that's a thing if you drink too much. Or is it just with beer?
No, I'm not.
I'm honestly feeling perfectly fine right now anyway.
Unless you're legit about the grounding then I'm going to kick you when you come home.
I know.
I love you too, Uncle Dirk.
no subject
theyre impervious to fat.
they kick fats ass and send it packing.
and then its upducted by aliens.
you should see it though its adorable.
heres the deal.
youre not grounded if you let me take you out for tacos.
koala tea time together being bros eatin tacos.
and i dont mean vags okay.
youre too young for that.
no sex until youre 13 okay.
thats the rules.
but seriously taco brodate y/n/cumquats?
good.
lets pretend this moment never happened starting in
3
2
[1 mysteriously never comes. The implication being never forget.]
no subject
Not sure if want.
Let's leave it at that.
Seriously though wtf?
Okay, cool. Year and a half and I can start bringing home all the foxy ladies.
I'll leave a hat on the doorknob, no worries.
Hold on, I have to seriously think about this.
Weigh out all the potential possibilities and consequences.
Y 5ever.
Show me the ways of the taco.
π
no subject
no dirk.
dirk pls.
you dont watch tv do you.
oh my god i need to educate you on all the british telly.
which how even the actual fuck is that a thing.
youre british and i aint.
somethings wrong with this picture little man.
oh well though well fix it.
were gonna hop on netflix and binge the shit outta some d-who.
d-strides watching d-who.
itll be the raddest fucking thing you dont even know.
thats right.
just be careful though strider sperms magical.
i swear it knocks up anything.
you need like three condoms.
and then like a shitton of spermicide.
i swear its insane.
you could probably knock somebody up right now even.
just by having a boner and looking them in the eye.
shades do nothing to stop it.
general vicinity eye contact through the shades is just as fucking potent.
holy shit i think i just knocked somebody up.
oh fuck.
well youre getting a cousin hope youre happy.
fuck yes.
itll be the best brodate dude.
now the question is do we wanna do this right.
yknow taco bell.
or actually get the real fancy kinda tacos.
the kind that wont give you the runs the likes of which roadrunner would be jealous.
idk im conflicted on the matter myself.
no subject
Why would I even bother?
Besides I can find streams for anything I want to watch online.
That's what the internet is for.
Skipping all the boring shit and going right into what's hot and fresh out of the oven.
But I suppose this can be a thing.
I mean, your tastes aren't that bad so I could manage.
If it's lame I call dibs on putting something actually good on.
Whoa whoa, I've gotta draw the line there.
That's not sexual reproduction happens.
I've watched the Discovery Channel before.
Besides, using that many condoms at once only causes friction and raises the percentage of ineffectiveness.
This was a theme in one of Dad's movies and he told me it was legit.
But if I'm wrong?
Holy shit, Uncle Dirk, be careful.
Don't knock up all the ladies; they'll want child support.
Our flat isn't big enough to house all the babies.
To be honest I'd rather forego runs and stomach cramps.
I don't feel like I'm going to curl up and slowly die.
That's why curry just isn't a thing, yanno?
Gotta pass on the lamb vindaloo everyday.
Let's go to a legit place, sit our asses down and each nachos and drink horchata while waiting.
Then we can get some churros for dessert.
After that we can do some stuff that's so badass all the other bros in the world would cream themselves with jealousy.
no subject
so i know who to blame when the fbi shows up being all like YOUVE BEEN DOWNLOADING ILLEGAL SHIT.
its you and your damn ponies isnt it.
im uninstalling utorrent from your computer dirk.
no more illegal immigrant hoofbeasts for you.
also youre questioning my taste in shows now too.
hypocritical no?
do i question yours.
no.
do i judge them secretly in my head when where you can never see?
yes.
consider my feelings dirk.
consider them and how you might have just hurt them.
jesus christ.
i made you a pony bed and this is the thanks i get.
dont question the doctor.
the doctor is fucking flawless and he will wreck your shit.
without even having to lift a finger.
hes the fucking baddassest of badasses.
i have like the biggest boner right now for the guy just thinking about it holy shit.
wait you didnt need to know that oops.
wow im fucking drunk what even.
nah you know what idc if you know about my boner for the doc.
everybody should have a boner for him.
im gonna give you boners for the doctor too dirk.
wait.
okay im just gonna stop right there because reasons.
oh snap you watch the discovery channel.
oh shit now ive got a song stuck in my head.
you and me baby aint nothin but mammals so lets do it
whoa wait nevermind.
i forgot how raunchy that is and im not even going to sing it to you.
anyway yeah thats totally fucking how it is for striders.
we defy the discovery channel.
but ill be careful because guess what.
im gonna invent eye condoms.
somehow.
idk how though. but thats a thing that ill do.
also what movie is this i never watched it.
i never watched any of his movies actually.
my bad.
but i can handle the child support nbd.
i dont have a puppet porn biz for nothing.
i can pay for all the bitches kids.
it can be like the fucking striduggers up in here.
a kid for every letter of the alphabet.
jesus fucking christ i want tacos now man.
and yeah we can forgo the runs.
because if we eat at taco bell.
itll be the run olympics.
gold medal in toiletsplosions.
how the hell have you never had taco bell though.
i mean how is that even something that is physically possible.
youre a strider.
but anyway yeah lets go to a classy place.
i gotta google classy taco places.
i just gotta be careful though with the wording.
i might get classy brothels or sth.
and that would not make a very good brodate i think.
because then wed just see a lot of bad asses.
which are srsly not the same as badasses.
which well be.
if we can find a classy taco place.
i need help with this dirk i dont know how to google nonsexual things ok.
help.
no subject
I don't think I want to watch this Doctor show with you anyway.
Get a boner for something you've got a boner for?
Wow, no. That's too awkward, man.
You know I'm always down for doing awesome family things to make up for the lack-thereof, but this is a bit too much for me.
Check back in four years?
Or rather, not even at all.
I'm sorry Uncle Dirk, but this is the way it's gotta be.
I'll soothe your sensitive feelings some other way eventually.
Give it time and it'll be nothing but a dull ache, and soon you'll forget it even was a thing at all.
Yeah, let's pretend that wasn't a thing either.
We can save the mental images of you cage dancing in a monkey suit for another time.
I'd rather not have any nightmares tonight.
How shitty would that be, considering.
I think it's about time you were cut off, though.
Tell the bartender you've had enough.
Time to pick yourself up and drag yourself off to bed.
We're bros right? I gotta keep you from pursuing pterodactyls.
Seriously, that's a thing you don't want to happen.
You'll have a broken pelvis among other things in the morning, and I really don't think you want a cast there.
They look like you're wearing a diaper.
Okay. Seriously.
How have you not seen any of his movies.
Imagine me making this face at you: :|
Imagine me staring into your soul with that very expression, judging you for all eternity.
I'm not watching anything you want me to watch until you watch them.
You realise with the more Striders there are in the world the more awesome we lose.
There's be an overabundance. Surplus, if you will.
You know what happens to the economy when there's surplus.
But whatever; I can't stop you from making poor life decisions.
Gosh, Uncle Dirk. If you love tacos so much, if you want them so badly, why don't you marry them?
Or at least see if they'll make you some.
But yeah, I googled a place. Apparently there are a lot of Mexican restaurants around here?
Though to be fair, there doesn't look there's any in Kensington, according to Google Maps.
That would explain a lot.
Apart from that, I don't think Dad ever really liked it?
Or if he did, we never went to a Mexican restaurant.
A lot of classy French ones and the occasional tapas bar, but not that.
When I was at home I usually just microwaved chicken nuggets anyway.
I digress. There are several restaurants in the area, but I found one that looks quality about three kilometres from here.
I guess we can go whenever you come back?
no subject
well fine.
ok.
you dont have to.
i mean its whatever.
[The next part comes a few minutes later, after he realizes that there was more to respond to. Don't mind him, he was just really fucking excited over watching the series with Dirk. But it's nbd.]
yeah no im not done drinking.
sudden urge to chug down a few more actually.
cant stop wont stop.
bottoms up.
or down.
side to fucking side who even knows.
[He's just not in the mood anymore to respond to anything else.]
no subject
I didn't mean it.
no subject
no subject
Except for the last part about the restaurants because I did look them up.
I want to watch it with you. And anything else you wanna do, because I like to do stuff with you.
You're my favourite uncle. ヽ(；▽；)ノ
[He doubts he's making any of this better. He just didn't realise how abrasive he came off and he just wants make it better.]
no subject
your google skills have officially surpassed mine.
proud of you etc.
you have a great way of showing that.
no subject
Well it's not a particularly new concept to me.
I'm a shitty a lot of things.
Son, nephew, ect.You don't have to believe me, but I am sorry.
no subject
thats not true dirk.
at all.
dont ever fucking say that again.
dyou understand?
because then i really will fucking ground you for the rest of your life.
look i guess i just.
why did you even say it if you didnt mean it.
no subject
Seems like a sign to me.
Because. I don't know.
Who doesn't say stuff they don't mean?
no subject
and im not a liar.
so you cant disagree.
seriously dirk.
i promise youre not a shitty son.
or nephew.
right.
yeah.
i mean.
i should know that by now.
ive had a lot of practice there.
but seriously its fine if you dont want to.
idc.
you dont have to force yourself to do shit with me if you dont want to.
im a big boy.
nothing a bottla jack wont cure.
hell maybe i should get all my favorite boys up in here for a party.
seriously though whatever dirk its fine.
ill be alright dont beat yourself up.
youre not a bad guy.
like i said i love you.
ive got your back.
even if you dont have doctor boners or w/e.
no subject
[If you think there are water stains on his text, or that his ink is smeared, you're mistaken.]
Text > Action
Fucking fuck shit shit hell damn it why does this happen. This happens more than it ever should. Making Dirk cry is just. something he does way too often and he hates himself for it every time. Goddamn it. Fuck everything. Fuck.
He heaves himself off of the futon and instantly the world is spinning. Fuck. He stumbles forward, trying to make his way to Dirk's room, but he ends up stumbling into the hallway wall, falling to his knees.]
Mother of fuck. [Because he can't even get this right. He can't even make it in there to comfort the kid he just made cry. He has to be the single shittiest person in the entire world. It's not even a question by this point, he knows it's true.]
Dirk... [He tries to call out for him. He hopes like fuck that it comes out loud enough for him to hear. He's hardly able to judge how loud his own voice is.] Please...
no subject
He hears Bro, but for a good minute or two, he stays laying in his bed. He almost decides to not get up at all, but in the end he wipes his face with his pyjama sleeve and climbs down from the top bunk. He opens the bedroom door quietly and steps into the doorway, but he doesn't do anything else. He's not even sure what to say or do. Hell, he didn't even know Bro was home prior to this moment.]
Yeah.
no subject
I... I'm s-hnnnn... I-hnnn...
[He swallows back the heaves, swallows down the bile rising in his throat. He has to speak, he can't vomit. He's pretty sure if he vomits at this angle, he'll probably die anyway.
He'd be doing them a favour.]
I'm s-sorry... [He lifts his arm shakily, beckoning Dirk to come forward. He wants to hug him. He just can't move to initiate it himself.]
no subject
Slowly, he sits down, parallel to Bro's upper torso, then leans over, partially on him, to rest his had on Bro's chest.]
Me too.
no subject
I'm not...acceptin' your apology, because... y'got nothin' to be sorry for...
[He sounds tired, slurred, but genuine. To be honest he can barely remember what he was even mad at Dirk about in the first place. Well, he can. But it seems so fucking inconsequential now.]
no subject
I still am anyway.
(no subject)
(no subject)