TWELVE ♋

[selfhatred]

[filtered from Equius]

IF ZAHHAK ASKS IF YOU'VE SEEN ME, YOU HAVEN'T.
SERIOUSLY, MY LIFE IS ON THE LINE HERE.
I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TOLD HIM TO READ 50 SHADES OF GRAY.
AND THEN LENT HIM MY COPY.
WITHOUT TELLING HIM THE REAL PREMISE.
BUT SERIOUSLY.
YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

Comments

filtered

[selfhatred]

ONLY GIRLS HAVE MAMMARY GLANDS, STRIDER.
OR DID YOU FAIL BIOLOGY?

NOPE. WHY WOULD I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A BLOND, RETARDED BULGE SUCKER WHO WEARS SUNGLASSES INDOORS BECAUSE HE THINKS IT LOOKS COOL?

filtered

[clockspinner]

wow could you be more wrong
i dont think so
the only thing different from girls and guys is that girls have big ol sacks of fat on their chests
men can lactate too if they get hold of the right hormones

...aite im done
fuck off vantas

filtered

[selfhatred]

YEAH, HORMONES. THERE'S ONLY CERTAIN CASES WHERE THEY LACTATE ON THEIR OWN AND IT'S USUALLY WHEN THEY'RE STARVING.

...JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
YOU'RE TESTIER THAN A FUCKING GIRL.

[clockspinner]

[NOPE. DONE.]

[selfhatred]

[WELL HE'S NOT.

And he's coming to find you, damnit, Dave.]

action

[clockspinner]

[He's up in their room rearranging his dead things so that they're all staring in Karkat's direction.

And wishing he could have brought Bessie the cow fetus.]

[selfhatred]

[Bilious Slick is just staring back at the dead things from the bedside table a few beds over, blinking slowly in a froggy way before the door to the fourth year dorm opens with a slight bang.]

Strider, we need to talk.

[clockspinner]

[Dave does not even turn to look at Karkat.]

Nope.

[selfhatred]

[If that's the way Dave's going to play, then Karkat just marches over and grabs hold of his roommate, yanking him around roughly to face him.]

Yes. For fuck's sake, Strider, we never have a decent conversation before you start pussy footing around the subject!

[clockspinner]

[Dave's lips curl in a sneer and he jerks away from his roommate's hand, glaring behind his shades.]

What subject? There is no subject. And my feet so far as I know remain neither paws nor vaginas.

[selfhatred]

[Karkat sneers right back, withdrawing his hand to his side where it clenched into a fist as he raised his voice.]

What the hell is your problem with me?! I'm just trying to help!

[clockspinner]

[Dave scoffs.]

Right. "Help." [#airquotes] Like you've ever been interested in helping me before. I'm telling you it's fine. Why can't you let it rest? Christ.

[selfhatred]

Because... [He gives a small sigh, glancing away.] Because I was always jealous of you, you dick.

[clockspinner]

[...That's a look of complete disbelief.]

Uh-huh.

[selfhatred]

I'm telling the fucking truth! [He spreads his arms for emphasis.] I'm jealous of you! I, Karkat Vantas, am fucking jealous of Dave Strider.

[clockspinner]

[Dave crosses his arms.]

And that translates to you wanting me to spill all of my deep dark secrets to you...so you can use them against me? So you can take me down a peg? What the fuck's your angle, Vantas?

[selfhatred]

I don't have a bloody angle! [He's just going to cross his arms over his chest, his cheeks puffing out a bit.] Look, I just...think I might understand what's going on with you. But I can't know for sure until you tell me exactly what's up.

[clockspinner]

So you're trying to psychoanalyze me. Sorry, I get enough of that from Lalonde. If Freud were alive he'd be tripping over himself to get a piece of this brainmeat. I am a motherfucking playground of phallic imagery, and dammit if I won't even tell my own sister what's up what the hell makes you think I'll make you privy to my deep, dark secrets?

[selfhatred]

I'm not trying to psychoanalyze anything! [Karkat drags his hand down his face with a small sigh.] And...god this is going to sound lame, but...I thought you might be able to talk about things with another guy. Even if it is me.

[clockspinner]

[Dave just stares for a minute, eyes hidden behind his shades. His expression becomes inscrutable.]

Aite fine, if you're so eager to listen to the tragic adventures of Dave Strider's lonely ochinchin, then sit your ass down and let's make this a party.

Once upon a time, there were three dickbears. There was Papa dickbear, Big Brother dickbear, and Little Brother dickbear. And then one day, Hansel and Gretel came wandering into the forest looking for a place to sleep. So Big Brother dickbear, feeling pretty goddamn magnanimous, offered his bed to the derptwins. Hansel 'no homo'd off into the sunset on a magnificent steed, but Gretel felt sorry for Big Brother dickbear and so she made out with him and let him touch her boobs, and Big Brother dickbear's throbbing meat truncheon was very satisfied.

And then Papa dickbear set the house on fire with everyone inside, and they all died. The end.

[selfhatred]

[One thing that ticked Karkat off more than anything was Dave's way of wording things, but he stood there and listened to the other Gryffindor without saying much of anything about it. He gave a small sigh before he straightened his shoulders, staring at Dave, deciding to use his lingo.]

So Big Brother dickbear was rejected by Hansel and sought comfort in Gretel even though he wasn't really into it.

[clockspinner]

[Being confronted with his own language instead of frustrating the other person into ollying out was something completely new to Dave, and it pulled him up short. He scratched at one ear, then the other, glancing around the room as he combed his hair down over them with his fingers.]

More like Big Brother dickbear didn't even wanna bother trying, after Hansel basically skywrote 'no homo' in sparkletext.

But -- fucking -- UGH It's not that Big Brother dickbear doesn't fucking like Gretel, too, he's not using her as a beard --

You know what? They're all dead. I said so. Papa dickbear burned the house down. The end.

[selfhatred]

[He tilted his head, drawing the inside of his mouth between his teeth and chewing on on it a little. This was beginning to sound like something, but he needed a little more information before he made any assumptions. He raised a hand, waving it nonchalantly.]

Hypothetically, say they were still alive...would Big Brother dickbear prefer to be with Hansel more than Gretel?

[clockspinner]

No!

...Yes. Maybe?

This is retarded. I'm out.

[Dave brushes past Karkat easily and heads for the door.]

[selfhatred]

[With a small sigh, Karkat turns to watch Dave head for the door before speaking.]

Once upon a time, there was a Little Merman. Things were pretty cool under the sea where he lived with the King and Queen of the merpeople and his sister, the Princess, until one day he started hanging out with a human, above the water.

The man was a Prince, a little airheaded at times but probably one of the best friends the Little Merman had ever made. They understood each other, and the Little Merman thought he might even be in love with the Prince.

[Karkat leaned back against one of the beds, looking down at the floor.]

But the Prince was in love with an alchemist, and the Little Merman felt like he never stood a chance.