(no subject)

[clockspinner]

what i did over my summer vacation
by dave strider



pictured here is the sweetass party that i threw while the professors were all away
of course bro wasnt mad i can get away with murder
besides no one died or ended up bleeding that badly




guess where bro took me as a reward
thats right suckers i got to go to knockturn alley
and not only that but



i got this cool thing
its a beaver fetus
its super tiny look at it isnt it adorable oh my god
from the moment i saw it i knew it was mine
and only five sickles too

i did other shit too but
i wanted to show off my beaver fetus

Comments

[cantfightthisfire]

Okay, you're still fucking gross, but. She's starting to sound like my mom, so I can ignore that.

You have a sister? Jesus, just how many siblings do you even have?

[clockspinner]

only one sibling technically and thats rose
but we have a surprisingly big ohana
that means family
family means no one gets left behind

[arrogantalloy]

Wilbur agreed to that name?

And here I had so much respect for him.

And really, mazel tov for the bird of a semi sentient fluffy lizard. But we all know that if I was the joining kind of guy. I would have had that in the bag.

[cantfightthisfire]

[... Don't. Just don't. Because... No.]

So I saw you mention shrunken heads to Katniss. What kinda of shit did they say?

[clockspinner]

meh they were fairly benign
also all tribal ululations and shit
i couldnt understand them for shit
their mouths being sewn shut probably didnt help

[clockspinner]

agreed to it
he came up with it
well he wanted to name him after sean connery anyway
the pimpdaddy was my touch
and then of course we wanted our little pimpdaddy to be privileged so we bestowed plenty of titles on him

yeah right i learned from literally the best guardian in the world
and wilbs parents arent bad either from what i hear
theres no way you could outparent us

[cantfightthisfire]

Alright, I'm getting one and hanging it on mum's bedpost. Maybe it'll keep the dickheads away.

Maybe it'll keep her away too, but I doubt I'll get so lucky.

[arrogantalloy]

I worry for both of your future children.

I know what not to do as a parent. So really, Doing the opposite can only mean I would be a great parent.

[clockspinner]

bad idea what if it learns
what if it starts parroting bedroom noises
do you really want to hear your moms moans filtered through the stitched mouth of a shrunken head

i mean i dont wanna hear my mom moaning period ever but idk

[clockspinner]

i worry for your face

yeah okay
but how do you know what the opposite is

[cantfightthisfire]

Oh jesus fucking christ, nevermind. That would be just my luck, wouldn't it?

Back to the drawing board.

[clockspinner]

try talking to john if you need shitty prank ideas
some of the shit he comes up with is downright diabolical i swear

[cantfightthisfire]

[She hates John, but.

That could actually be a good idea.]

We'll see.

Have fun with your beaver.

[clockspinner]

i always have fun with my beaver

[arrogantalloy]

As touching as that is. This face is one thing you never have to worry about. Believe me.

Dad was a genius with muggle technology, and spells. Mom was a compassionate women when it came to her fellow man. I wouldn't call either of them parents.

[clockspinner]

bro is a master swordsman and goddamn ninja who makes a living filming puppets fucking each other and rapping with a ventriloquists dummy
and mom is a drunk who probably forgot she had a son within a couple hours after bro took me and split

your point

[arrogantalloy]

Oh. Wow. Your bro really is something there, isn't it.

[clockspinner]

he sure as fuck is
he was also gryffindor prefect
and head boy
and champion seeker on the quidditch team
hes got more trophies in the trophy room with his name on them than i could ever dream of

hes basically a hero

[arrogantalloy]

See, now those. More impressive than puppet sex and rap.
Really you could have just stated those in the first place.

[clockspinner]

gotta keep the charges current
he speaks like what
20 languages
he also did a pretty badass job of raising me
even though he was 18 when i was born
he didnt give up on me for a second

i told you man
hes the best guardian there is

[arrogantalloy]

Yeah, I'm kind of seeing that.

1/?

[clockspinner]

[...Jesus, Dave, could you have fanboyed harder?]

2/3

[clockspinner]

[Recover fast, asshole, he'll think you're weird!]

3/3

[clockspinner]

i mean hes just
a pretty cool guy is all

3/3

[arrogantalloy]

[He doesn't find it weird. If anything it reminds him of how much he doesn't have.]

Yeah, no, really I see all that. He's clearly stepped up and looked after you. He really is a cool brother.