sortinghat_rp | 013 | Sunday evening

Oh my god, please. Spare me a headache and cut the bullshit.

I fucked up, I get that.

Can we move the hell on? I think I feel pretty fucking bad enough.

It's not that easy. Last time I checked, there isn't a magic button you can press to just make all of your mistakes no big deal.
Have you even apologised to Professor Rhydderch? For an unprompted sucker punch, I think there's room to feel like anything but shitty.
And of course, that extends to everyone associated with you. I'm sure Rose and Dave feel similar sentiments.

Unprompted my hairy ass, kid. You have no fucking idea, so don't even. The last thing he deserves is an apology. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have done it then, but it doesn't mean he deserved it any less. He's a shitstain who needs to learn to keep his nose out of other peoples business. He's like that one goddamn spot the toilet paper just won't wipe off.

If it's a big deal to them, then they need to learn that everybody makes mistakes.

I'm not fucking infallible even if you all seem to think I am. This just proves it, doesn't it?

Oh really? What ever happened to handling things sensibly like an adult? I'm so unimpressed right now. I would've thought that you'd keep your buttpains in check since you're supposed to be a grownass man and stuff.

Yeah, you're right. All I'm seeing is a huge list of mistakes right now. What was I even thinking.

Oh what? Fucking excuse me? I'm so sorry, I forgot you're the adult here, Dirk. I'm the eleven year old, you're the grownass adult in this situation. My bad.

Except you're 11. What the actual fuck do you know about being an adult?

[There are inkblots as he stares at the last sentence. He doesn't even know how to approach it. He's so angry and upset and just. Hurt.]

Took you long enough to notice. But please, go ahead and name a few. I'd like to make sure the list is up to fucking date and accurate. I'm sure I could point out a few more you might be missing.

Dad was older than you and he never acted like this.

_{[Dirk knows it's a low blow. But at the moment, he doesn't care.]}

You mean apart from making an ass out of yourself and the rest of us by punching another teacher after losing a Quidditch game while being the complete epitome of self-control?
Let's see.
We could start with the fact that apparently Rose has been my cousin this entire time and you failed to ever mentioned this.
Or how about we touch on the "what the fuck is even going on with Professor Donoghue" topic? Last time I checked, he was engaged. Regardless of the reason for the engagement, I've gotta say he seems rather couply with Professor Matteris. Really funny considering what I walked in on.

[Bro...

doesn't respond right away. He can't. Everything Dirk said was like a punch in the stomach. Aside from the first thing, which was like a punch in the heart. This wasn't fair. This just. He doesn't even fucking know. But this hurts. It hurts and he feels angry. So angry. At so many things. And for the first time in a very long time, there's anger directed at Dirk, of all people. Not just at himself, or at other things. But Dirk crossed a line and as much as it hurts, it just makes him angry. Because he feels betrayed. He'd never expected Dirk of all people to do this to him. Not after how much he'd sacrificed. Not after how much he'd been there for him. It just feels like a complete and total betrayal.]

So. Adults go for low blows, huh? I'll have to remember that for the future. But unfortunately I guess I'm still stuck in kid mode.

But y'know, if you wanted to be a real, mature adult I think you'd probably want to bring this shit up to me in a civil manner. Instead of blowing up and acting like a huge little shit about it. But that's just my view of how adults work. Remember, I'm still a fucking kid. What do I know?

I never told you because it wasn't something I fucking thought about. Should I have? Yeah, probably, but did I? No. I've been too busy with every goddamn thing else to even think about it. In case you forgot, I'm about two steps away from losing you. But from where I'm sitting, it's starting to look like you'd rather I lost anyway. Because it sure fucking sounds to me like I'm not living up to your expectations.

[That hurt to write. And he said it out of anger and bitterness. The last thing he wants is to lose Dirk, but. Right now he just can't stop it. He's trying not to say shit he'll regret, he really is, but right now that's only going so far.]

I'm pretty sure I fucking explained the Donoghue thing to you. I was upset, and he was the only one I could think to talk to about it. Does it really have to be any goddamn more than that? I was hugging him. That's all you fucking saw. That's all there fucking is. We'er just friends. Because it's like you fucking said, he's engaged! I'm irrelevant!

I just can't even believe you right now, y'know. I just.

After everything? You can't even cut me a little fucking slack?

Have you ever thought that maybe I feel a bit upset as well? You're supposed to care but have you ever really bothered with much in the past two weeks?
No.
So don't even try to put this on me, when it seems like I'm merely obligation for you. Considering you didn't care much until he died, why would now make much of a difference?

But you've got an excuse for everything. Forget to inform your nephew about important family matters? Let's blame it on that pesky custody battle you won't even talk about! Way to make said nephew feel good about things, am I right? I mean, it's like no big deal. Who cares if it makes it painfully obvious that everything wrong with right now is because his existence poses a problem for everyone. A+

Of course, who am I to criticise anything? So rude of me. I should learn my place. Doesn't change the fact your own behaviour leaves much to be desired and you seem so scorned in regards to Professor Donoghue and I cannot fathom why for the life of me.

I suppose we're feeling about the same in that regard.

You're acting like I just up and abandoned you, Dirk! It's not like we haven't spoke at all lately, I've just been giving you a little space. I thought that's what you'd want, so you could try and feel better.

And don't even go there. Do not even fucking go there, Dirk. We've talked about it and you know how bad it is. If you had questions, all you had to fucking do is ask! And how can you invalidate everything like that? You honestly fucking thing that after everything, I think you're an obligation? A problem?

That's bullshit. That's so much fucking bullshit. How many times do I have to tell you I love you before it sticks? How many times do I have to say it before you start having just an ounce of faith in me? The custody battle isn't a fucking excuse. It's a real fucking deal and it's taking up a LOT of my focus. It's not just my fucking scapegoat.

And you know what I can't fathom? Why anything with Donoghue and I is so important to you. I mean, what does it even really matter? Why are your panties getting twisted up so much about it? I just don't fucking get it.

That's not how it's seemed to me. Perhaps you should check yourself before you berate me like that. Because it's seemed like you haven't wanted to talk to me, which tie into my previously mentioned conclusions. I can't be blamed for that. It's logical reasoning.

Rather than continuing to argue with you, maybe I can put it in perspective for you simply: if I did not think this, why would I bother saying it at all? To purposefully spite you? I'm not that petty.

In regards to the latter thing, perhaps it's that there's something legitimately off. I can't put my finger on it, and you being so buttmad over it makes it even more obvious.

This has gone on long enough. You need to stop being so goddamn disrespectful. I'm not the fucking kid here, contrary to popular fucking belief, and it's starting to piss me off that you're treating it that way. Step the fuck down.

I don't understand why the hell you feel that way. Not after how many times we've talked about it. If you were a burden or a problem or any of the shit you probably assume yourself as being, would I really fucking have gone through any of the effort I have? Yeah, maybe it hurts to be reminded that this is still ongoing. Maybe it hurts to know you're the center of a huge, goddamned serious situation. But that's just the fucking truth of it. It doesn't mean you have to feel like a burden. It doesn't mean you have to feel bad about it. Because I don't fucking blame you for any of it, Dirk! I never have and I never goddamn will. Do you think I'm bringing it up to be petty? Because I'm fucking not.

It's complicated. That's all I can say right now. But there's nothing to worry about.

Whatever. I'm done with this conversation. Perhaps we'll just disagree on this forever because I'm failing to find a place of agreeance. I can find many reasons for you to try so hard. As I mentioned before, out of obligation, but not to me. If things hadn't been so bad before you wouldn't try so hard now. It's hard for me to believe anything otherwise when you act so inconsistent towards me.

Uh huh. Whatever. I don't care anymore.

it's

not

out

of

any

fucking

obligation

I'm doing it because I fucking care about you! I'd have thought out of every goddamn thing, that would be the most consistent. What the fuck have I done wrong? What makes you think otherwise?

I fucking like him, Dirk.

Do you consistently or only when I'm upset, because as I've mentioned, it's hard to tell either way as of late. That's the problem. And yes I'm aware that's been addressed. But maybe I don't need space. Maybe I need someone to seem like they'll be there as long as I need them to and make themselves approachable. Because, spoiler alert: your version of giving space is as I've just stated.

And? I like him too.

Dirk

I thought I have been. I thought I was always there whenever you needed me. And whenever you didn't. I told you you could come to my room whenever. I've always tried to fucking be there. And even when I'm not there for whatever reason, it doesn't mean I stop caring.
When he came back, it was hard for me. I lost him all over again. Maybe it was me who needed a little space. Maybe I had it wrong. I'm sorry that it made it seem like I don't care, though. Because I do. I really, seriously. do. More than you can ever fucking imagine. I don't know how to get you to see that.

I
we
I mean I really
like him.

Why would I have done that when I thought you were still mad at me. It's not like it can be helped now. Everything is already said and done.
Yeah it wasn't like
A walk in the park or anything for me, you know.
Ok.

Like him as in friends or in the way Alfred talked about? With being boyfriends and butt touching?

I was never mad at you. I just didn't know what to say. That was my own fault and I'm sorry.
I know it was hard.
I know I fucked up. I'm sorry. Please don't hold it against me, because I love you. A lot. I never meant to hurt you or make it seem like I didn't care.

boyfriends

Ok. I'll keep this in mind.

_{[He's still upset. Just because they're not actively arguing anymore doesn't mean that he instantly feels better.]}

Oh.
When I was talking about myself I didn't mean it that way.

I love you.

[He's repeating himself because he knows that. He knows it can't just be instantly better. He wants Dirk to know it and believe it, though. He just wants everything to be alright.]

Yeah, I kinda figured that.

But yeah, that's why he was there that night. He was trying to make me feel better. We were

...

cuddling, I guess. It was comforting.

But we're not boyfriends! Like, at all. It's complicated. I don't... even think we'll be anything soon, to be honest. Because I'm just in the way.

I do too.

_{[Now he's just not sure how to react. It's really conflicting emotions that's he's feeling right now; on one hand there's the lingering negative ones from their argument. And then there's just... all the confusion from everything Bro is telling him. He's eleven. There's very little that he knows about relationships. It doesn't help that as long as he could remember, he never met any of his dad's girlfriends, if he even had one. He's used to single-parent family units. He's never dealt with a romantic interest being involved.

He's not used to knowing this much information either. The fact that he's ignorant on these matters doesn't help much either. He doesn't know what to say, what to think, or how to feel. He doesn't even know what to think about the fact that his uncle is interested in another guy. The only other instance of this he's aware of is between Arthur and Alfred, which didn't bother him because he doesn't really think about it much and he likes both of them well enough.

This is different because it's his uncle. Really, it's just confusing. There really aren't positive or negative emotions tied to any of this right now.]}

I'll be frank and admit I'm at a loss of how to respond to this.
Because it honestly comes as a big surprise.
I'm not sure how Dave'll feel about this. I'm not sure how I feel. I suppose the more important question right now is whether you'd forget about us or not.

[That makes him feel better, at least. For a moment. Like maybe they're on the right track.

But then Dirk writes more, and he isn't sure how to feel. Dirk's reaction isn't negative, but it's... not positive either. He just doesn't know what to say to most of it.]

Don't you remember the conversation we had? The one where I said no matter what, you and Dave will always come first? That was about this. I'll never forget about you or Dave.

I never meant to get feelings for him anyway. It just happened. Sometimes I wish it didn't.

Okay. That makes it slightly better.
I would seriously punch you otherwise.

What about the engaged thing?

Believe me, if it happened, I would let you punch me a hundred times. But it won't, so that's irrelevant.

It's complicated.

But I guess you're getting tired of hearing that, aren't you?
So... can you keep a secret? Probably the biggest secret you've ever had to keep... ever.

It's not that I don't trust you... It's more like I want to make sure you want to be burdened with this. It's pretty big. And I shouldn't put it on you, but. I'm willing to trust you, if you actually want to hear it.

[He's trying to take Murdoc's advice. Telling Dirk things to make him feel trustworthy and stuff. He's just trying to make this better any way he knows how, even if it's probably not a good idea in the end.]

_{[Bro, Dirk is eleven, remember? Normally this would indicate that maybe he shouldn't be trusted with huge secrets. But the difference is that Dirk tries to hard to act mature and stuff--he's not going to turn down a chance to prove himself in that regard. So for now, he's trying to push all other feelings aside.]}

Good. I don't want to have to break my hand.

I can handle it. What is it?

[Yeah, maybe it was a bad idea to trust Dirk with this, of all things. But he did trust Dirk. And he knew- or at least he really, really hoped that Dirk would be able to keep it a secret. And he just wanted to be able to answer Dirk's questions truthfully. He was tired of having to hide shit.]

The wedding is only happening because Snow threatened to deport Matteris.

She doesn't even love him.

★

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject