FOUR ♋

[selfhatred]

[The page is a myriad of crossed out sentences, most of them unintelligible, before it finishes in one sentence. This was also meant to be private but Mr Crabbypants forgot about that.]

I'M SORRY.

[After a few minutes that's scribbled out too and then this appears]

I'LL BE IN THE OWLERY IF ANYONE NEEDS ME.

Comments

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Really? Uh, what's wrong?

[It's not like Karkat to really admit to something being wrong, so he's a little concerned.]

[selfhatred]

Nothing. It...it doesn't matter.

[He doesn't like it when people are concerned about him, okay?]

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

[Oh but he's Tavros, of course he's concerned.]

Uhhh, if there's something wrong then of course it, um, matters. But I won't push if, uh, you don't wanna talk about it.

[selfhatred]

[He's quiet for a moment as he helps Tavros wheel up to the top of the stairs. He doesn't really want to talk about it, not at all. He gets enough of it out with his uncle. There's no point in dragging other people into his problems.]

So what're you sending?

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Oh, um... Just a note letting mum know that I'll be coming home for the, uh, easter holidays.

[He lets out a small sigh.]

I think I'm really, uh, looking forward to getting away for a while.

[selfhatred]

Yeah? Must be nice.

[Not that he probably wasn't going home for the holidays, if his uncle could drag him into them. He didn't mind the whole aspect, but when you had about twenty Catholics trying to shove their religion down your throat during church service it just made him want to scream.]

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Yeah, uh... It's pretty nice, I guess. You're not going home? Um, you could always come to my house, uhh... if you don't have plans.

[selfhatred]

I don't really have a home. I just live with my uncle. I think Nepeta's gonna try dragging me onto the train anyway.

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Uhhh... If you live with your uncle, doesn't that mean that's your home?

[selfhatred]

I guess but it never feels like it. I just feel like I intruded on them.

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Umm, why do you think you're intruding on them? Family isn't, uh, supposed to make you feel that way.

[selfhatred]

Yeah, well, it probably wouldn't if my dad didn't decide to just ship me off to England to live with someone I've never fucking met.

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

[...Well what do you say to that.]

Why'd he, uh... do that?

[selfhatred]

He's in the military. He doesn't have time to fucking look after a kid he's never even fucking bothered with.

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

Oh... I'm sorry, Karkat. But, um, what about your mum? Is she in the military too?

[selfhatred]

She's dead.

1/2

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

[Oh goddddddddddddd no no no, he feels like the worst human being in the world right now. Jesus christ. Nooo. He is the worst human being in the world. He feels so freaking bad. Oh god.]

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

K-Karkat, I'm... I'm so sorry!

[selfhatred]

It doesn't matter. It happened a while ago.

[Try four years and the fact that he's been blaming himself ever since it happened. Of course he's not gonna say that, but his tone of voice indicates enough.]

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

But-! It... uh, it does... matter.

[selfhatred]

What do you want me to say? That past me was a fucking idiot for stepping out onto the fucking road? That she was a moron for pushing me out of the way of a fucking car? That I've been blaming myself for no fucking reason for the past four fucking years like everyone always fucking tells me?

[Karkat's voice gets angrier with each sentence, his grip on the handles of Tavros's wheelchair tightening considerably. Mount Vantas is getting ready to blow.]

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

[Oh god he is just making everything worse. Maybe he should just stop speaking. But you can't just not speak when someone spills stuff like that.]

I... uh. It. Um, it's not- You're n- I-

[It's no use, he can't form a proper sentence.]

[selfhatred]

[He shakes his head, hating himself for just bursting out like that.]

It doesn't matter.

[i_bullieve_i_can_fly]

[Yeah, he's... not going to disagree with you on that again.]

Um... Okay.

Do you, uh... wanna talk about it?

[The question is quiet enough that Karkat can choose to ignore it by pretending he didn't hear it. It took all of Tav's guts to even ask, but. He's a good enough friend that he'll at least offer, even at the risk of getting yelled at.]

[selfhatred]

No, I don't.

[He really didn't want to talk about it. He'd already told Tavros more than what he'd intended.]