FOUR ♋

[selfhatred]

[The page is a myriad of crossed out sentences, most of them unintelligible, before it finishes in one sentence. This was also meant to be private but Mr Crabbypants forgot about that.]

I'M SORRY.

[After a few minutes that's scribbled out too and then this appears]

I'LL BE IN THE OWLERY IF ANYONE NEEDS ME.

Comments

[mo_cara]

[blinks, but doesn't challenge that, either] How come?

[selfhatred]

[He's actually finding it hard to justify that. He always had. Karkat bites his bottom lip angrily at himself for saying anything. His next words are quiet, muffled slightly.]

If she did then she wouldn't have died.

[mo_cara]

[ ... no, Gamzee might almost get that one. Maybe.] You mad at her 'cause she ditched you?

[selfhatred]

I guess? [He gives a small sigh before reaching up to rub one of his eyes a little tiredly.] I'm not sure anymore.

[mo_cara]

[starts gently stroking his hair again] Tell me about it?

[selfhatred]

There's nothing really much to tell. I've just blamed myself for it for so long that I don't know anymore.

[mo_cara]

Yeah. I guess I get that, motherfucker. [Gamzee knows he's the reason his own mum left, after all.] And I guess all the other motherfuckers is always telling you it ain't up and being your fault, right?

[selfhatred]

[He makes a small noise at that, drawing his knees up to his chest once again.] Yeah, they do.

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee wraps his arms around the smaller boy's shoulders.] I guess it don't make much motherfuckin' difference in the long run, if you be blaming yourself or not. [thoughtfully]

[selfhatred]

I just wish they'd stop telling me it wasn't my fault and that it was some kind of fucking love thing. It was my fault, nothing's going to change that.

[mo_cara]

Yeah, you sure as hell can't change the motherfuckin' past. [agrees] Can't stop baby you from being a fuck up. Otherwise I guess I'd still be living with my mum, too. [Gamzee never talks about his own mother, but he throws that into the conversation casually now.] Nothing much for it except to not run out in front of traffic when you're with someone who gives a shit about you.

[cocks his head to the side, nosing through Karkat's hair again] 'Cept I don't see what none all of that has to do with her loving you, or wanting you not to die because she loved you. I mean, ain't that a separate motherfuckin' thing?

[selfhatred]

[Karkat had been trying for a long time to decipher what both of those kinds of love were. He knew his romance, sure, but it was totally different. He folds his hands against his stomach, wondering briefly why Gamzee brought his own mother into it. They had completely different circumstances.]

I guess they're different, yeah. Nobody seems to get it though.

[mo_cara]

Seems pretty motherfuckin' simple to me. [thinks about it, frowning] I guess maybe people all be wanting you to know it wasn't your fault because of all little wigglers are stupid, and they can't help it? And 'cause it makes you motherfuckin' sad.

[sighs into Karkat's hair] 'Cept life is motherfuckin' sad sometimes, ain't it?

[selfhatred]

Life can be pretty fucking miserable. But you know what? It happens. Shit happens and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. [The Gryffindor tilts his head back against Gamzee's face, draping his arms over his knees.] You just pack your shit up and move the fuck on. Hakuna matata and all that crap.

[mo_cara]

Nah. There's something else you can do. You gotta hang on to what you got left. [Gamzee's arms tighten around the smaller boy, and he buries his face in the nape of Karkat's neck.] And tell 'em every motherfuckin' day how important they are. You can't maybe stop 'em from going away, but you can make sure they know what they are to you, you know?

[selfhatred]

[He ponders the taller boy's words for a moment before glancing down at the letter in his hand. It's crinkled by the way his fingers have clenched around it, as they all end up and he turns in his spot on the window sill, standing with his robes falling around his ankles (they were way too big for him. He really had to talk to his uncle about getting new ones). Holding his arm out, he waits for an owl to swoop down, almost hesitating.]

...What if he hates me?

[mo_cara]

Does that be making any difference to how you feel right now?

[selfhatred]

...I guess it doesn't.

[Karkat felt his stomach in his throat as he stared at the barn owl waiting patiently on his arm, looking at him with those fucking eyes that could drill holes into his soul. Squaring his shoulders, the Gryffindor handed the letter to the owl before telling it the name of the platoon his dad had been assigned to last he'd known. He watched it leave before placing both hands to his face, breathing heavily into them.]

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee dropped his hands to wrap his long arms around Karkat's waist, just holding him silently. While he knew he couldn't understand everything that was going through Karkat's head, it was easy to tell that this was hard for him. Asking if he was okay seemed stupid - of course he wasn't, though the Slytherin thought he would be. So instead Gamzee just stayed behind him, a solid weight to lean back into if he needed. The older boy quite literally had his best friend's back.]