sortinghat_rp

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tHESE DREAMS ARE, uH, gETTING RIDICULOUS,
i WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
nOT WITH THEM, i MEAN, i THINK ANYWAY,
aND WHY IS IT HAPPENING IN THE, sHACK OF ALL PLACES,
i DON'T, uH, gET IT AT ALL,
aND i REALLY WISH i WOULD STOP WAKING UP WET, TOO,
iT'S, sUCH A MESS, aND i HAVE TO DO WAY MORE LAUNDRY THAN i USED TO,
bUT i DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT,
oKAY ACTUALLY i DO CARE ABOUT THAT,
mUM KEEPS ASKING ME WHY i HAVE SO MANY DIRTY PANTS,
iT'S A LITTLE EMBARASSING ACTUALLY,,,
bUT MOSTLY i JUST WISH i KNEW WHY, tHIS IS HAPPENING,
kARKAT AND GAMZEE ARE, uH, jUST MY FRIENDS,
i DON'T LIKE THEM LIKE THAT,
i'M NOT GAY,
sERIOUSLY, sO, bRAIN, pLEASE STOP TRYING TO CONFUSE ME,
iT WOULD BE REALLY NICE OF YOU,
i HAVE TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH, i DON'T NEED TO BE CONFUSED, tOO,
i THINK i'LL JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP, aFTER CHANGING PANTS, i GUESS,
wRITING ALL THIS MADE ME FEEL BETTER,
kEEPING THIS DREAM JOURNAL WAS A GOOD IDEA,
i, uH, nEED TO HAVE THOSE MORE OFTEN,
aNYWAY, gOOD NIGHT, jOURNAL,

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[Inkblot inkblot inkblot.]

,,,uHHH, wELL,
i GUESS,,, iF YOU REALLY THINK YOU WON'T, gET UPSET,

uH,,,
kISSING IS, iNVOLVED,
a LOT OF KISSING, bETWEEN YOU AND ME AND KARKAT,
and other stuff

aND LIKE i SAID, uH, iT'S HAPPENING IN THE SHACK,
aND,,, uH, tHAT'S ABOUT IT, i GUESS,

sO wHy AlL dId YoU tHiNk ThAt WoUlD bE uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn BoThErInG mE?
i HaVe LoTs Of DrEaMs AbOuT mAkEoUtS.

[Damn it, he broke Tavros's brain. Motherfuck it all, he should have never kissed that boy, he should have just left him alone ... ]

bUT, uH,
i MEAN,
dO YOU DREAM ABOUT ME,

[Because that is the weird part, Gamzee! Having dreams about kissing your best bro. Nothing is making seeeense.]

[It doesn't even occur to Gamzee to lie, though that might have been a better idea.]

sUrE, bRo.
AlL tHe MoThErFuCkIn TiMe.

[He... stares. For a long time.

A part of him is... kind of relieved. In a way. Because he's... not alone, like he thought! But on the other hand... what did this mean.]

oH,,,uH,
i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY,
i MEAN, uHHH, i KIND OF FEEL BETTER NOW, i GUESS,
bUT, wHAT DO THEY MEAN, gAMZEE,

I aLwAyS rEcKoNeD tHeY mEaNt I wAnTeD tO mAkE oUt WiTh YoU.

[Ohhh, wait, that might be overplaying his hand a little, he doesn't want Tavros to be worried about being around him, since he's still got a huge raging crush on Jade - god. That had been awful to read.]

bUt I hAvE tHoSe DrEaMs AbOuT a LoT oF mOtHeRfUcKiN dUdEs.
YoU aNd KaRkAt AnD eRiDaN aNd OnE tImE eVeN sTrIdEr ExCePt I wAs KiCkInG tHe ShIt OuT oF hIm In ThAt DrEaM.
iT wAs PrEtTy MoThErFuCkIn WeIrD.

oH,,,
bUT, uM,
i'M SUPPOSED TO WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH GIRLS,
nOT, uH, yOU, oR KARKAT,
aND, tHE THING IS, i'VE NEVER HAD A DREAM ABOUT GIRLS LIKE THIS BEFORE,
nOT EVEN JADE,
wHICH IT TURNS OUT IS, nOT GOING TO HAPPEN,

i KNEW IT WOULDN'T, i DON'T KNOW WHY i TOLD HER THAT,
iT WAS REALLY STUPID OF ME,
bUT EVERYONE, uH, wAS TELLING ME HOW IT'S OKAY TO LIKE GUYS AND STUFF,
aND TO EXPLORE MY FEELINGS,
aND i PANICKED AND TOLD HER, tO PROVE THAT,,, uH,
i'M STRAIGHT,
bECAUSE ISN'T THAT WHAT i'M SUPPOSED TO BE,
i DON'T UNDERSTAND,
aND i WISH i KNEW WHAT WAS EVEN HAPPENING,
i'M REALLY JUST,,, cONFUSED, gAMZEE,

[Gamzee is a 15 year old stoner who's own exploration of his feelings has mostly involved having a crush and drunken makeout session with his two best friends, neither of whom wanted to be gay. He's probably not the best person to ask about this, really, but ... ]

pEoPle LiKe WhO tHeY lIkE, bRo.
I dOn'T kNoW wHaT iT cAn Be ChAnGeD, oR eLsE i WoUlDn'T bE bEnDy NoMoRe.
BuT yOu StIlL gOt YoUr LoVe On FoR tHe GrEeN sIsTeR eVeN iF yOu AiN't DrEaMiNg AbOuT hEr, RiGhT?

uHHH, i DON'T KNOW,
i MEAN, i WAS GETTING OVER IT, aND,
iN A WAY THIS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER,
bECAUSE, uH, nOW i KNOW IT WON'T HAPPEN,
sO i DON'T KNOW, iT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED,
bUT i DON'T,,, tHINK SO,
nOT LIKE i DID,

uHHH, wHAT d'YOU MEAN BY BENDY, bY THE WAY,
bECAUSE, tHAT'S A WEIRD THING TO CALL YOURSELF,

bEnDy Is WhAt NiCoLsOn SaId I wAs.
BeCaUsE i WaNt To MaKe OuT wItH bLoKeS mOrE tHaN bIrDs.
BuT i GuEsS wHaT i'M mOtHeRfUcKiN sAyInG iS tHaT iF yOu EvEn UsEd To LoVe JaDe, ThEn ThAt MeAnS yOu AiN't BeNdY lIkE mE.
sO yOu ShOuLdN't WoRrY sO mUcH, cAuSe I kNoW yOu AiN't WaNtInG tO bE lIkE tHaT.

[Tavros wants to ask if that meant he liked him. Because... that's what it was started to sound like. But... he doesn't, because a part of him his honestly scared of the answer. Because he wouldn't know what to say, or do, if he said yes. Why was life suddenly so complicated, why couldn't he go back to not being so damn confused?]

oH,,,
yOU KNOW THAT, uM,
iT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING RIGHT, gAMZEE,
i MEAN, i,,, i DON'T CARE, aT ALL,
yOU KNOW THAT, rIGHT,
i JUST, dIDN'T KNOW UNTIL NOW,
i'M SORRY,

aND, jUST BECAUSE i DON'T, uH,
wANT TO BE, dOESN'T MEAN IT'S BAD,
i'M JUST,,,
scared

BrOs4LyF. :o)
i KnOw YoU dOn'T cArE wHaT i'M bEnDy, BuT mOsTlY eVeRyOnE eLsE tHiNkS iT's WeIrD.
bUt YoU dOn'T gOt To Be ScArEd Of NoThInG, i WoN't LeT nObOdY hUrT yOu FoR hAvInG DrEaMs.

[Damn, this conversation is, just ... painful. But he will stick it out! Tavros needs someone telling him they got his back. Well, someone other than the billion other friends of whom Gamzee is a little worried he disappears into the crowd of.]

tHANKS, bRO,,,

iT'S REALLY GOOD TO KNOW THAT, nO MATTER WHAT, yOU HAVE MY BACK,
aND i'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOURS, tOO,
}:)

HeLl YeS, mOtHeRfUcKeR! ♥
aIn'T nOtHiNg WhAt CaN sToP tHaT.
aNd If YoU wAnT tO gEt YoUr SpEaK oN aBoUt AnYtHiNg, YoU cAn AlWaYs TeLl Me, Or CaLl Me.

[A long while later, sometime after his conversation with Karkat, Tavros decides to take Gamzee up on that offer.]

wHAT DO YOU REMEMBER FROM THAT NIGHT,
iN THE SHACK,

[Please don't lie. Please. He can't handle that right now.

And he can hardly handle the truth either.]

[There's a long pause, as Gamzee considers what to say, trying to wake up from his half dozing state. He'd asked around before, kind of hinted at what might have happened, but when he'd figured out Tavros didn't remember, he'd stopped asking, or bringing it up at all. And then Karkat had said he didn't remember, either.]

eVeRyThInG.
uH, yOu WaNt MoThErFuCkIn DeTaIlS?

[Because no, he can't lie, not to his friend, though how Tavros figured out it was all real is escaping him right now.]

,,, i already have them,

so everyone, except me, knew,

okay,

No, JuSt Me, BrO.
i AsKeD kArKaT aNd He DiDn'T rEmEbEr NoThInG.
sO i StOpPeD aSkInG, cAuSe I rEcKoNeD yOu AlL pRoBaBlY fOrGoT bEcAuSe It WeReN't SoMeThInG yOu WaNtEd To ReMeMbEr.
On AcCoUnT oF yOu BoTh LiKe GiRlS, aNd EvErY tImE i AlL wEnT aNd KiSsEd KaRkAt He GoT hIsSsElF a GiRlFrIeNd AfTeR.
sO i DiDn'T wAnT yOu To GeT aLl MaD aT mE fOr KiSsInG yOu WhEn I kNeW yOu DiDn'T wAnT mE tO.

[Another long pause.]

i'm sorry bro, i'm a shitty friend for taking advantage of you cause you was all drunk and sad.

karkat knew,

he lied, and said he didn't,
but he told me the truth,

we had a fight,

why does everyone, think i would be better off not knowing,
finding out no one, told me the truth,
hurts more than what the truth actually is,
and maybe, the truth wouldn't even have hurt so bad,
if lying wasn't, involved,

but everything hurts, and, this sucks,
a lot,

I TRIED TO TELL YOU BUT YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER.
what the motherfuck was i supposed to do?
YoU aLrEaDy SaId No To Me.
WoUlD yOu HaVe EvEn BeLiEvEd Me?

[He knows the answer. Tavros never believes him about that stuff, and he just ... he couldn't stand having to hear that nervous laugh that told him just how uncomfortable his friend was at the very idea of doing anything with Gamzee.]

you should've,,, told me anyway,,, i don't know!
even if i didn't believe you, at least, i would have the truth,
even if i didn't know it, or something,
i don't know!

and, what do you mean, i said no? about what? what are, you talking about?

[Oh, god, did he not even remember turning Gamzee down? They hadn't even been drunk! And there had been that awful speech, about how Tavros liked Jade, and not Gamzee that way, and ... ]

I sHoUlD hAvE tOlD yOu.
YoU'rE rIgHt.
I sHoUlD hAvE tRiEd HaRdEr.
I'm SoRrY.

[He's emotionally and physically drained, he is not even thinking that far back. But like hell he's going to let it drop just like that.]

you didn't answer the question,
i appreciate the apology, and, it's nice of you,
but i think, that with all the lying going on,
i would very much like an answer, to the question,
please,

[He should have never said anything. He should have never responded to this damn entry, and then he could just go on pretending like nothing was wrong and everything was fine, and that something that had made such a huge impact in his life apparently wasn't even enough of a blip on Tavros's radar for him to remember. He feels so small right now, and sad, the way he does when he thinks about his mum sometimes.]

just when i asked if you wanted to make out, after i gave you your christmas present, and you said no because you were in love with jade and didn't think of me that way.
that's all.
it's not important, ok, it doesn't matter, i shouldn't have said anything.
i should go, probably.
i'm sorry i'm such a shitty, waste of space friend.

[...Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

And suddenly it was as if... everything made sense. And it was as if a wall had physically knocked into Tavros, because he drops his quill and it smears ink all over the page as he just sits there, staring. Thinking back, and thinking to the shack, trying to picture it happening, but with little success. But it didn't matter, because. All he could really really focus on was one thing.

That Gamzee hadn't... been joking. And. He'd been the Jade in that situation. Oh god. But. He didn't know what to say, and he just stares at the page, his mind racing a million miles an hour as he tries to digest all this information. Finally, he picks up the quill.]

no,
gamzee, no, you're not shitty!
not at all, i,,, i'm sorry,
you're not a waste, of space, either,
please don't, say things like that,
you're my best friend, okay?
and,,, it is important, because,
they're your feelings, and, those are important, to me,
i,
thought you were joking,
i really did,
gamzee, i'm sorry,
i,,,
don't know what's going on, right now,
and i don't know what else to say,
but,,, i'm sorry,
for everything,

but you're the best friend i've ever had,
i hope you know that,
and,,,

[He wants to say more. He really, really does. But he doesn't know what he actually wants to say, because... he hasn't gotten to that point yet. The words that should come are lost to him, and he just stares at the page, ink dripping onto it for a long time.]

i need to go, too, actually,,,
i'm sorry,

[And he closes the journal, because. He doesn't know what to do anymore, and he's just going to curl up in a ball and think. And maybe cry a little, because suddenly everything is so much shittier than it had been a few hours ago, and he's more confused and his headache is growing by the second.

Yeah, he's definitely going to cry, especially thinking how he must have hurt Gamzee so badly. He never meant to be Jade. He never even knew. He was so stupid.]

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mo_cara - 2012-04-08 10:45 (UTC) - Expand

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