(no subject)

[mo_cara]

i'm sorry, won't be using this journal no more, so you all can tell your parents ain't no motherfuckers going to be writing bad shit no more.




[Private to Eridan]
i'm sorry.
i won't be looking at you or nothing any more.
if you want me to shut my chute when you're around, too, i'll do that.
i fucked up.


[Private to Shinra.]
i ain't gonna be on here no more, so give me your address, i'll figure out the bus and then walk to where you live.
you can owl me if you want, but i don't guess it's very good for me to be on these.

Comments

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[thegluethatbinds]

I'm confident that you'll try, but giving up your journal entirely isn't the right thing to do either. Your friends and fellow class mates are concerned for you, and I believe none of them would want you to isolate yourself. If you have trouble deciding what's appropriate or not, you could always ask them for their opinions before posting.

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[mo_cara]

[Yeah, Coulson ... he sort of did that, and they both thought it was an excellent plan. That's kind of the problem.]

look i just can't talk to no one right now, ok, sir?

[pause]

i DiD sOmE oThEr S*** AnD i ShOuLn'T bE hErE.

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[thegluethatbinds]

[Feferi then? At any rate, Gamzee's second line worries him.]

Mr Makara, you don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to. A lot has happened in the last 24 hours, but if it is something serious, I really do advise you to discuss it with someone. Bottling it up inside yourself isn't going to cure anything, and it will just make you worse.

[There is perhaps, a small tinge of guilt for Coulson; he's got his own condition that he keeps mum about. He tries to rationalize it by saying he's stable, but the truth is that he's been bottling things up himself.]

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[mo_cara]

aIn'T nOtHiNg ElSe To Do.

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[thegluethatbinds]

Is there someone you trust that you can confide in?

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[mo_cara]

I gOt StAnD-uP bRoS.

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[thegluethatbinds]

Judging by the replies you're getting from your entry, I'd say you have good friends who are willing to be there for you if you need help. Mr Jaegar especially seems very worried about you.

You don't have to share your problems if you're not ready yet, but honestly Mr Makara in my experience having someone to share your burden with really lightens the load.

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[mo_cara]

nAh, ThEn ThEy MiGhT tHiNk YoU'rE eVeN mOrE oF a FrEaK.

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[thegluethatbinds]

Or they might be able to support you through this, which is the best, and in my opinion, most possible outcome. Mr Jaegar and Mr Shinra were willing to defend you yesterday; I don't think they would think ill of you, especially if you've got a problem that's weighing you down like this.

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[mo_cara]

[Gamzee's not even sure where to start with this. It's not like he doesn't tell his friends things - he's a remarkably honest and open boy at times, often too much so, to the discomfort of everyone. But how do you tell your cheerfully bisexual friend that sometimes you think you're filthy and disgusting and you wish desperately that you could like girls and not want to ogle your roommate, and how humiliating and horrible it is to be called out on it by said roommate's father? Or tell the same thing to your friend who doesn't even seem interested in anyone like that, without poisoning them?

So he does what he always does with adults when he's not sure how to answer.]

oK.

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[thegluethatbinds]

[He may not have experience with teenagers, but even Coulson knows that that's not a very sincere answer. Still, he can't push Gamzee too hard now; he can sort of guess from the way Professor Donaghue had exploded that Gamzee had something to do with Eridan. This was really bothering on very personal issues, and frankly speaking Coulson isn't sure whether he's qualified to take those on. But he couldn't just leave the poor kid alone. Whatever it was, it must be something that was really tearing at the boy's heart.

He's about to write more, and there are ink blots, but at in the end he writes out:]

I wish you all the best, Mr Makara. If you do need an adult to speak to, my journal is always open for you.

[He wasn't dealing with Agents who had mental and emotional fortitude; he was dealing with teenagers. He has to keep reminding himself of that.]

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[mo_cara]

[And Gamzee has even less than most - no one ever taught him how to handle big feelings. Hell, no one ever taught him how to handle the little ones, either, he's had to stumble around in the dark figuring that out on his own. It would probably be no surprise to anyone who knew his history that he found the way his mind drifted and spun on glue fumes when he was eight to be a superior and preferable state to being fully aware of just how unwanted he really was. He's gotten better since Hogwarts, found real friends, and people who care, but the damage was done a long time ago, and old habits die very, very hard. Something is broken inside the boy, and only Gamzee can put himself back together again. The problem is, he doesn't even have a blueprint for what an unbroken Gamzee would look like.]

Ok.
ThAnK yOu, SiR.

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[thegluethatbinds]

It's no problem at all.