~Of Guilt~

[moveslikejaeger]

i do not wish to alarm anyone
but there is a little lizard ghost thing following me around telling me how awful i am
i do not know if it is just me or if one of you is next
but be warned
the guilt lizard exists

Comments

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[moveslikejaeger]

i want everyone to be happy and to be able to love you without this lizard sitting on my shoulder all the time but you are not polyamorus AS IT KEEPS REMINDING ME THANK YOU LIZARD SHUT UP NOW so i dont know

but i know i am not likely to get what i want so i just have to deal with it and i am okay with that or i would be if something would shut up

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

You're right. You're right, I'm not. What am I doing? I need to stop hoping it'll change for one of us. This is ridiculous.

Maxim, you're really nice and sweet and wonderful, but I want you to be happy with lots of people, like you want. Not just me. You know?

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[moveslikejaeger]

but i want to be happy with all those people AND you see the problem? but is not your fault girly its normal to want to be with one special person im the broken one not you i am the one who should suffer

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

You aren't broken, Maxim. Just different. I don't think it's bad at all, except for the part where it makes you unhappy.

Look, I'll be honest. I'm going to need some time to get over all of this, but when I do, you can be my best friend, like Amelia. We snuggle and stuff.

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[moveslikejaeger]

it never made me unhappy before! why is it starting now?


can i snuggle with you AND amelia at once?

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

I'm not really sure, Maxim.

Um, maybe. We'll see.

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[moveslikejaeger]

the lizard doesnt like that idea but i think it would be great even van could join just have a huge cuddlepile where everyone is happy and no one is sad

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

I'm not sure that would end with everyone being happy and no one being sad. But, um, I don't know.

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[moveslikejaeger]

it does in my world
see broken and stupid

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

No you're not.

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[moveslikejaeger]

you have no idea rapunzel you really dont and im glad of that but maybe that is why this happened
because i was hiding the truth from you
i am awful
and i only feel bad for it when other people bring it up

[That really kind of hurt to write. But isn't there a saying about being cruel to be kind? Better to just push her away completely than to keep stabbing her in the heart, the ghost was right]

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

What do you mean?

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[moveslikejaeger]

isnt it obvious? this thing refers to a jar of hearts so obviously im just adding yours to all the ones ive broken in the past
sure i didnt mean to break them but i am a jaeger after all
breaking things is all were good for
van knows this you can ask him if you want
im a monster and im bad just like i told you before

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

You're being a git.

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[moveslikejaeger]

no im being honest
im not the handsome prince charming that you want me to be i am a knight
a blood knight
sorry sweety i am the lowest of the low
just a bad kid like mom and dad made me

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

I don't want to talk to you right now, Maxim.

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[moveslikejaeger]

probably better if you dont ever talk to me again

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

I actually thought you cared about me.

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[moveslikejaeger]

i care
that doesnt mean im good for you
that i wont keep hurting you just because i dont know how to do anything else
i would do anything you asked of me my lady love but i simply cannot be good
the sooner you learn this the better

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[hairflyingheartpounding]

[She stares for a long time before shutting her journl.]