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what i did over my summer vacation
by dave strider

pictured here is the sweetass party that i threw while the professors were all away
of course bro wasnt mad i can get away with murder
besides no one died or ended up bleeding that badly

guess where bro took me as a reward
thats right suckers i got to go to knockturn alley
and not only that but

i got this cool thing
its a beaver fetus
its super tiny look at it isnt it adorable oh my god
from the moment i saw it i knew it was mine
and only five sickles too

i did other shit too but
i wanted to show off my beaver fetus

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Why a beaver fetus? Like all the things you could have gotten. And you come out with that.

i have a collection
besides it was the first thing that i saw that was probably not cursed to kill me
well know whether thats true or not in the next few weeks
keep your fingers crossed that i dont suffer death by beaver

on second thought maybe itll bring me good luck in the beaver department

You're really going to hope for luck in the beaver department after hoping you don't suffer death by beaver.

I can't help but think you're sending a mixed signal here.

death by a certain kind of beaver wouldnt be so bad
at least id die happy
there are worse ways to go than muff diving

[Okay. So for once she's kind of gonna just cut the bitchitude because she's curious about Knockturn Alley. She's never been there.

Also she'd never admit it but the beaver is kinda badass.]

What kinda fucked up shit did Knockturn Alley have?

Being caught muff dying wouldn't be the best way to go.

But yeah, you have a point. It's not really up there in witch weeklies worst ways to go.

You're still collecting dead babies, which should possibly be concerning.

oh man
all kinds of shit
there were shrunken heads and freaky jewelry
and i swear there was a fucking mirror that told me i had a nice ass

theres a big difference between a beaver fetus and a human fetus
its not like im attacking pregnant women with coathangers to pickle their precious parasites jfc im not a fucking monster
besides theyre not all fetuses ive got all kinds of dead shit in jars

Man that sounds so much better than Diagon Alley. Why don't they ever send us there for school shit?

But I kinda have to call bullshit on the mirror.

Or maybe not, I mean it is dark magic after all, and that's the blackest kind of lie.

Now that conclusions have been jumped to, I never said you were harvesting them yourself.

And a dead baby is a dead baby. Human, beaver or troll.

Really, it surprises me, I didn't think this whole morbid trip was your thing.

wrong
a dead fetus couldnt have survived outside of the womb
and was probably either stillborn or taken from a dead animal anyway

its not
they just look cool
will you stop harshing my beaver fetus mellow

excuse you have you gotten a peek at my honky tonk badonkadonk
i am a sight to behold in my applebottom jeans
bitches the world over be swooning for just a touch

mirror mirror on the wall whose ass is nicest of them all

You just admitted to listening to shitty country music and shitty rap music all in one sentence. And you're too damn obsessed with your ass.

But can we actually go back to talking about the thing that's interesting?

At the base level. Still a baby, still dead. But yeah, not really the point.

Hey, I don't want to go, harshing any mellows in that department. By all means enjoy the pickled beaver.

I hope you're not keeping that on a shelf by your bed. Because really, thinking of you sleeping with that staring at you. It's going to make it hard for me to sleep.

actually i just admitted to having a basic knowledge of pop culture synonyms for booty
booty booty booty booty rockin errywhere

what thing thats interesting
my beaver fetus

nah ive already been outvoted in that department
john and wilbur vetoed that shit back in first year when i brought timon the preserved meerkat
i gotta keep my babies in my trunk where they wont stare with their blank unseeing eyes at my roommates
my life is suffering
woe is me

thats okay though sean pimpdaddy connery likes to cuddle up with me at night

Oh my god shut up about your ass for one fucking minute. Yes, the beaver fetus. I wanna hear more about Knockturn Alley.

sounds like someone suffers from baseboard booty disease
got a bad case of the jellies

ok ok fine what else dyou wanna hear

[Remind her again why she's tolerating you.]

The only thing jelly in this situation is your ass.

I don't know. Just... What was it like? Were there dark wizards there? Was it actually dangerous, or is that just people being retarded and trying to scare the first year idiots?

i mean on the one hand it didnt really seem that bad
the people there werent like creeping around like they wanted to touch my nono place
on the other hand bro made me stick pretty close to him the whole time
and he didnt want me touching things in the shops until after hed checked them for dark magic
so its like
it didnt seem that dangerous
but bro was there so i knew nothing bad could possibly happen

If he was paranoid then that actually says a lot about the place, to be honest.

[Dumbass shades aside, even she has to give Bro his credit.]

It's good to know there aren't pedos there at least.

I dunno I kind of wanna go there next summer, but... [But she's heard a lot about it, and she's a little nervous to be perfectly honest. She doesn't have a bro willing to protect her.] I just wasn't sure if it was actually worth my time or not.

You're a weird kid. This is coming from me.

You know. I really don't want to ask this question. But what the hell, I'm going to anyway.

What is sean pimpdaddy connery? Because even I know it's not going to be a senior citizen actor, that girls are still strangely in love with.

it probably also says something that dirk didnt come with

i mean if you wanna go its totally worth it
but you might wanna take someone with you
general stranger danger rules yknow

Congratulations on your baby? You can get better stuff there that's a bit more useful.

Yeah. He's your brother too, isn't he? Striders everywhere, man. I can't keep track of all you guys.

Pretty sure I'm gonna have to end up going alone.

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