(no subject)

[clockspinner]

what i did over my summer vacation
by dave strider



pictured here is the sweetass party that i threw while the professors were all away
of course bro wasnt mad i can get away with murder
besides no one died or ended up bleeding that badly




guess where bro took me as a reward
thats right suckers i got to go to knockturn alley
and not only that but



i got this cool thing
its a beaver fetus
its super tiny look at it isnt it adorable oh my god
from the moment i saw it i knew it was mine
and only five sickles too

i did other shit too but
i wanted to show off my beaver fetus

Comments

[arrogantalloy]

Being caught muff dying wouldn't be the best way to go.

But yeah, you have a point. It's not really up there in witch weeklies worst ways to go.

You're still collecting dead babies, which should possibly be concerning.

[clockspinner]

theres a big difference between a beaver fetus and a human fetus
its not like im attacking pregnant women with coathangers to pickle their precious parasites jfc im not a fucking monster
besides theyre not all fetuses ive got all kinds of dead shit in jars

[arrogantalloy]

Now that conclusions have been jumped to, I never said you were harvesting them yourself.

And a dead baby is a dead baby. Human, beaver or troll.

Really, it surprises me, I didn't think this whole morbid trip was your thing.

[clockspinner]

wrong
a dead fetus couldnt have survived outside of the womb
and was probably either stillborn or taken from a dead animal anyway

its not
they just look cool
will you stop harshing my beaver fetus mellow

[arrogantalloy]

At the base level. Still a baby, still dead. But yeah, not really the point.

Hey, I don't want to go, harshing any mellows in that department. By all means enjoy the pickled beaver.

I hope you're not keeping that on a shelf by your bed. Because really, thinking of you sleeping with that staring at you. It's going to make it hard for me to sleep.

[clockspinner]

nah ive already been outvoted in that department
john and wilbur vetoed that shit back in first year when i brought timon the preserved meerkat
i gotta keep my babies in my trunk where they wont stare with their blank unseeing eyes at my roommates
my life is suffering
woe is me

thats okay though sean pimpdaddy connery likes to cuddle up with me at night

[arrogantalloy]

You're a weird kid. This is coming from me.

You know. I really don't want to ask this question. But what the hell, I'm going to anyway.

What is sean pimpdaddy connery? Because even I know it's not going to be a senior citizen actor, that girls are still strangely in love with.

[clockspinner]

jesus youre going senile already
remember the dragon event from last year
me and wilbur won so we got to keep ours
we are the best dragon egg parents
it is us

that is lieutenant master doctor viscount sean pimpdaddy connery the third esquire

[arrogantalloy]

Who's disputing you're ability to not boil an egg? If anything, being proud of hatching a thing that could cook you before it eats you, probably makes you stranger.

You do know that. What you just wrote, explained nothing. What I wanted was an explanation.

[clockspinner]

oh my god
lieutenant master doctor viscount sean pimpdaddy connery the third esquire
is the animated stuffed dragon
that wilbs and i have joint custody of
because we are the biggest winners and also best egg parents

[arrogantalloy]

Wilbur agreed to that name?

And here I had so much respect for him.

And really, mazel tov for the bird of a semi sentient fluffy lizard. But we all know that if I was the joining kind of guy. I would have had that in the bag.

[clockspinner]

agreed to it
he came up with it
well he wanted to name him after sean connery anyway
the pimpdaddy was my touch
and then of course we wanted our little pimpdaddy to be privileged so we bestowed plenty of titles on him

yeah right i learned from literally the best guardian in the world
and wilbs parents arent bad either from what i hear
theres no way you could outparent us

[arrogantalloy]

I worry for both of your future children.

I know what not to do as a parent. So really, Doing the opposite can only mean I would be a great parent.

[clockspinner]

i worry for your face

yeah okay
but how do you know what the opposite is

[arrogantalloy]

As touching as that is. This face is one thing you never have to worry about. Believe me.

Dad was a genius with muggle technology, and spells. Mom was a compassionate women when it came to her fellow man. I wouldn't call either of them parents.

[clockspinner]

bro is a master swordsman and goddamn ninja who makes a living filming puppets fucking each other and rapping with a ventriloquists dummy
and mom is a drunk who probably forgot she had a son within a couple hours after bro took me and split

your point

[arrogantalloy]

Oh. Wow. Your bro really is something there, isn't it.

[clockspinner]

he sure as fuck is
he was also gryffindor prefect
and head boy
and champion seeker on the quidditch team
hes got more trophies in the trophy room with his name on them than i could ever dream of

hes basically a hero

[arrogantalloy]

See, now those. More impressive than puppet sex and rap.
Really you could have just stated those in the first place.

[clockspinner]

gotta keep the charges current
he speaks like what
20 languages
he also did a pretty badass job of raising me
even though he was 18 when i was born
he didnt give up on me for a second

i told you man
hes the best guardian there is

[arrogantalloy]

Yeah, I'm kind of seeing that.

1/?

[clockspinner]

[...Jesus, Dave, could you have fanboyed harder?]

2/3

[clockspinner]

[Recover fast, asshole, he'll think you're weird!]

3/3

[clockspinner]

i mean hes just
a pretty cool guy is all

3/3

[arrogantalloy]

[He doesn't find it weird. If anything it reminds him of how much he doesn't have.]

Yeah, no, really I see all that. He's clearly stepped up and looked after you. He really is a cool brother.