sortinghat_rp | [Teacher Filter]

Now I'm wonderin' how much enough is.

[He sinks a little in his chair, actually pondering that. He doesn't know all that much about Dirk either. Do you have to know someone well to like them like that? Does he like him like that? This is ridiculous.

He stares back for a long moment before he drops his gaze, looking around the room for something to distract himself with.]

What look?

[He isn't quite sure how to answer that, so he just shrugs, flicking his gaze away from Murdoc finally.]

That... look. I dunno. I'm not good at describing looks.

[This is stupid. So. stupid. And he lets out a sigh, because what are they even doing? This is all dumb. He shakes his head, before putting his shades back on.]

Nevermind. I should've said anything. Just... forget it.

[Because you don't like him like that. And it's going to take more than eyes to make you fall for him. And his own feelings are just a jumbled up mess of confusion and he's frustrated with himself.]

It was a stupid slip up.

Alright.

[And he's not going to push that because he honestly can't explain why he feels so guilty. Maybe it's because of Sybille. Or Constance. Or his children. Maybe it's because it shouldn't feel bad to want to play along for once.

He's just.

Tired of feeling guilty.

He leans forward a bit on the desk, reaching forward to pluck Dirk's shades off and put them to the side before crossing his arms.]

You're never goin' to win anythin' with those on.

[Murdoc, it turns out, is a constant surprise at every turn. He's just not used to anyone having the nerve to ever reach out and take his shades off without permission. Mainly because the people he's used to being with know how important they are. They know to be afraid of that- perhaps irrationally, since he wouldn't really do anything bad, but. still.

Anger flashes in his eyes briefly simply because it's not something he's used to, but he takes in a slow breath and lets it out, flicking his eyes away from Murdoc.]

Last I checked, life was like a carnival game. You can't win anything, so what's the goddamn point?

Edited 2012-09-17 05:05 (UTC)

[Murdoc knows it's a pretty ballsy move, but he doesn't feel like he has any reason to be scared of Dirk right now. Even if he did lash out, he'd just fight back. He knows what's behind the glasses, Dirk knows he knows what's behind them. So, putting them on makes it seem like he's trying to hide something.

If Murdoc needs to sit here with all of his expressions being made obvious, Dirk can too.]

You make me look positive, sometimes. Have you already given up?

[Bro's quiet for a long time after that, still not looking at Murdoc. He's looking anywhere but at the man, as his eyes dart across the room. The coffee cup in his hand has been forgotten and it's nearly cooled to room temperature by now. He doesn't know what to say to that. Has he given up? No. He's still stupidly falling for him like an idiot. But the way Murdoc left that night? He had made it seem like he didn't have a fucking shot. So...]

I'm still trying to decide if there's even a fucking point to trying.

[He decided to be honest. To just. fucking say it. He feels stupid after saying it, but at least he wasn't being cagey anymore. At least he was throwing it all on the table.

But godddd he feels dumb.

He's just not used to wooing someone. At all. It's just always been sex, sex, sex. He's never actively tried to... do what he's doing with Murdoc. Every little step just feels like a failure and he doesn't know what he's even fucking doing. It's frustrating to the point he wants to just scream and give up. And he's hyper aware of just how immature and stupid he sounds.]

[Murdoc stares pointedly at Dirk while he's quiet. He doesn't like how unnerving the silence is but he has nothing to say without feeling awkward. He wonders if in his attempts to appear aloof he also made himself look like an ass who isn't interested. He's not sure why, but the idea of Dirk losing interest so soon is devastating for him.

Maybe it would be because the attention is flattering and he's enjoying playing along, but it feels as if he's worried that if he doesn't take this shot it will be a perfect summary of every chance he let himself miss up until now.

Those words sting a little. Did he not realise he was trying? Was he sending the wrong signals. He wants to be angry at Dirk for leading him on, but he wonders if he lead him on himself. He doesn't know how hard the other man is trying but it's just so fucking scary to let himself trust him.

He needs to sit there, staring at the table for a long moment before the obvious answer to that comes to him.]

If you don't want to try then there certainly isn't a point in it. But it if you think it's worth it, it's probably worth a shot. Maybe.

[He fiddles with his coffee cup.] Nothin' like this works out over night.

I never said I didn't want to try. I thought I've made it pretty obvious!

[He's starting to sound vaguely frustrated. Because the truth is he just really can't tell at all if Murdoc has any interest in him. Yeah he likes his eyes, but. Does it go further than that? Does Bro even actually have a shot? He can't tell, and that's the part that frustrates him.]

You know what? You seem pretty gung ho for me to spill all of my thoughts and feelings, but I have no idea at all what you're thinking. I can't fucking read you. So if you want me to be an open book, why don't you try, too?

[Oh well this is awkward. Murdoc hates it when the tables are turned. It's pretty easy for him to sit here and expect Dirk to share everything so he can trust him, but opening up and sharing his own opinions is another thing all together. Only he'd thought he'd been doing better up until now. It's been a long time since he's been that playful with anyone and an even longer time since he's been able to express any sort of affection for someone who isn't his son. Which really doesn't count.

So now he has no idea what to say. So he just sort of gives Dirk a looooong deer in the headlightsesque stare before he actually fucking says something.]

I thought I was. I was tryin' anyway. [He really can't wait for awkward conversations to stop being a thing.]

[It's around that time that maybe Bro is hit with the realization that ones again, the two of them are more similar than he previously thought. In this case, it's assuming he's been more expressive than he is. And being misinterpreted. He's starting to wonder if that's the case, that he really just... hasn't been reading him right. And that Murdoc's thought he was expressing more than he was.

It doesn't make it any less frustrating that he hasn't known how Murdoc's been feeling, but it does at least make him not blame him. Because he's has way too much experience dealing with these problems to hold it against him.]

Heh... I think this is one of those times where we're way too damn similar.

[He doesn't offer an explanation for that statement, either.]

[His mood is liften now that the tension has passed again, but it feels like he's having a hard time deciding how he really feels about everything.

He raises an eyebrow at Dirk, casually sipping his cold coffee.]

'Times' implies you've felt that way more than once.

[Bro shrugs, his eyes finally flicking back towards Murdoc, though they settle on the coffee cup in Murdoc's hand instead of his face.]

We both have kids. We both have issues with our kids... We both have problems communicating.

[We both fall for the wrong people, he wants to add. But he doesn't, because that would just open up a can of worms that he probably doesn't want to open. It would imply all of the wrong things and probably push Murdoc away and he doesn't want to do that.]

Edited 2012-09-17 07:00 (UTC)

[He hums in agreeance, considering that for a moment before he lets his mind drift into different territory. They were quite similar, he's not sure why it took him this long to realise. Perhaps because they'd managed to develop in different ways, though their circumstances and occassionally the way they handled things could be considered similar in some sense.

He ponders on that for a moment before his mind eventually goes right back to Sybille. They both had eyes for her, right? Just in different ways. This is a whole other kettle of fish, though, it's something holding him back.]

If we're both bein' honest.. [He drops his own gaze and places his cup down, tracing his thumbs over the rim of his cup idly.]

I'm in love with someone else. [He shrinks back a little.] But I really doubt anythin' will ever come of it.

[Bro isn't really prepared for what Murdoc says. At all. It hits him right in the stomach and makes the coffee he'd drank want to come back up. But even with this reaction, he finds that he isn't really surprised. And he's even pretty sure he knows who Murdoc is talking about- no, he is sure he knows who Murdoc is talking about.

A part of him feels weirdly jealous. He'd brought her up in the prefect's bathroom, too. She just kept popping up.

But. Jealousy aside, a part of him felt guilty. Because the two of them both clearly had feelings for each other, and there he is getting in the way by being squarely in the middle. Having sex with Sybille, this weird thing with Murdoc. He's just in the way and considering the fact he's starting to care for them both, he feels bad.

The frustrating part is though, he's selfish. He doesn't... want to back off. He doesn't want to leave Murdoc alone. Maybe he would have, if it wasn't for what happened in the prefect's bathroom. Maybe if that hadn't happened, Bro would have no problems just stepping away and letting their relationship do whatever it was meant to do. But he can't do that. He can't just... not try. He can't take himself out of the game.

It feels like the game just got a whole lot harder, though.

And even during his thoughts, he realizes once more another thing that makes the two of them similar. Disturbingly similar. It's not something he's talked about... at all. To anyone.]

Actually... I know that feeling.

[The jealousy is mutual, in a funny way. Dirk has already endeared himself to Murdoc enough for him to want most of his attention, though he's sure he'll get over that once they have to continue being professionals.

He wonders if it's obvious. Dirk doesn't look all that surprised by it, had he been observing? Had Sybille said something. He can feel his cheeks getting a little pink as he mulls it over.

It had taken him so long to realise how he felt himself only for him to realise he'd known it all along. Had he been dropping hints whilst in his own unaware stupor.

Not that it matters, really. Now that he's realised it's only made him realise how far removed he is from her now. He never expected Dirk of all people to understand. He spent most of summer loathing him for it and then the rest of it feeling stupid because it was all jealousy talking. He couldn't judge the other man for acting on something he'd let slip by, he could only assert himself to Sybille as the better choice.

And then this happened. He has assumed he'd go back to school and do nothing but war with the Strider and now he's having coffee with him and sharing some sort of mutual understanding with him. It was ridiculous, but he found himself both curious and comforted by it. His voice is pretty soft right now and he's giving Dirk a shy sort of look, as if he's unsure whether to ask.]

You do?

[This isn't something he ever, ever thought he would be talking about. Not to Murdoc of all people. Not to anyone. Because these feelings are ones he's had buried for... years. And there's a part of him that wants to just retreat and not even elaborate. But there's another part of him that wants to... That just wants to be honest with Murdoc. To talk about it. Because for once, he feels like he has someone that could possibly understand.

The situations are different, he knows that. Or at least he assumes they are. His current one is his fault, because... Well, he'd been the reason things had ended. He'd broken things off because he felt he wasn't good enough. He isn't really sure why Murdoc and Sybille didn't work out, but. The truth of the matter is, they're both still in love and there's someone he's still in love with too. That alone gives them a lot in common and it's scary.

If it wasn't for the fact that he knew Murdoc could understand him, there's no way he would ever think about telling him.

Even as he thinks about it, he can feel the raw emotion tearing its way to the surface. This isn't something he allows himself to think about. At all. It's one of those deep and dark hidden secrets that he just... bottles up and keeps to himself, because it hurts. When he thinks about it, the wound just reopens and it's as fresh as the day he inflicted it on himself.

So when he speaks, his voice is quiet and cracks a little and it shakes. It's obvious that this really, really hurts to talk about.]

Dave's mom. Roxanne Lalonde, I... I still love her more than anything in the whole goddamn world.

[The hurt in his voice is nothing compared to the hurt in his eyes. Murdoc would be able to see it clearly, the intensity of it is almost frightening. But beneath that, when he says her name, the love he has for her flashes brighter, almost obscuring the sadness. Almost, but not quite.]

[Thanks to some basic understanding of human emotion, Murdoc is able to sense the difficulty Dirk is having with this. It sort of reminds him of how little he knows about the other man. He never really questioned where Dave came from, he was just an addition to Dirk that could have appeared out of nowhere for all it mattered to Murdoc. At least, that was how it was before.

The truth of it is that Murdoc had denied Sybille from himself. He denied a lot of things from himself. When his father died he knew exactly what he wanted to be and do, but as he grew up and the memories of him faded his priorities began to change. It still sickens him when he remembers the way he abandoned Sybille, but he was chasing a dream that would never truly fufill him and he'd never know that until he got there. It was only after his wife died that he'd realise how pathetically alone he'd made himself.

Maybe Dirk really is right. Maybe they're two peas in an utterly lonely and perhaps self made pod. The bigger issues in their lives seemed to be done entirely through their own inability to see the bigger picture. At least now he finally knows someone who knows what it is to be the stupidest man in the world. In a way he's so terribly excited to hear the next part, but the idea of what comes next is what makes him anxious.

He does his best to maintain eye contact with Dirk, nodding slowly as he speaks and sensing the mood of the room shift again. His mouth twists a little, making a sympathetic face as he speaks. What do you do in these situations? Is it better to be silent? Should he ask questions? A shoulder pat might look condescending.

So he thinks of what he would want, and it seems pretty obvious. He doesn't want to be pitied, he wants to be understood. So he nods, keeping eye contact with Dirk, even if it makes him feel so vunerable. If he can see so many of Dirk's emotions through his eyes, does that mean his can be seen too? Does it matter. Maybe it's better if he does see. So he knows where Murdoc stands.]

I'm listenin'.

[He sounds as reassuring with he can like that, trying so desperately hard not to crush the other man's spirit when it's obvious he hasn't been able to say these things for a very long time.]

[In a way it's hard for Bro to keep eye contact with Murdoc as he's speaking. But in another way, it... makes it easier to keep going, because something about Murdoc is comforting. He isn't sure how or what- maybe it's the fact that he's looking at the only man who could possibly know how he feels. That alone is reassuring. But even if it's easier, it's still one of the hardest things that Bro's ever talked about.

There's a part of him that still can't believe he's talking about this. Not in a bad way, though. Because a part of him is glad to have someone that he can open up to. He's never really had anyone that he could do this with. It's... nice.]

I just... she was so fucking perfect. In every way. But I wasn't...I wasn't good enough. I was never good enough. She deserves somebody so much better. I don't deserve her.

[Oh no, he knows that attitude all too well. It seems so strange to hear it coming from another person and so hypocritical to want to reach out and shake him for being so damn stupid.

Instead, he's going to keep a fairly serene look on his face as he presses on with the conversation. Hypocritical as it may be, he hopes that if he can do this for Dirk then maybe Dirk can do the same for him some day.]

I don't know about that. [He smirks softly.] You're pretty damn endearin', even if you are an idiot. [He reaches out to push Dirk's glasses back toward him.] You need to stop hidin' behind excuses and admit that you were scared. Then you need to stop bein' afraid of what isn't and accept what is. Maybe after that you'll be ready for her, I'm sure she'd want you back.

Edited 2012-09-17 10:06 (UTC)

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