FOUR ♋

[selfhatred]

[The page is a myriad of crossed out sentences, most of them unintelligible, before it finishes in one sentence. This was also meant to be private but Mr Crabbypants forgot about that.]

I'M SORRY.

[After a few minutes that's scribbled out too and then this appears]

I'LL BE IN THE OWLERY IF ANYONE NEEDS ME.

Comments

[selfhatred]

I don't. That's why I never send them. [His hunched shoulders relax just a little, though he's still a bit tense.] They're just full of things he'll never read.

[mo_cara]

What all you be putting in there? [Gamzee's voice is mellow, soothing. It's obvious he won't press if Karkat doesn't want to talk about it, but he is a bit curious. The Slytherin's never written a letter he wouldn't send, can't imagine doing it. What would he write to his mother? Or even his father, really, who was still sort of around?]

[selfhatred]

[Karkat's quiet for a moment before he leans back against Gamzee with a sigh, letting his arms droop against his legs, dangling between the open space.] Stuff. Mostly about mum.

[mo_cara]

[The taller boy buries his nose against Karkat's neck, breathing in the comforting smell of him, boy and soap and whatever shampoo it is the Gryffindor uses.] You been thinking about that fine lady a lot, lately?

[selfhatred]

[It takes another moment for him to speak, tilting his head back against Gamzee's and mildly hoping he's not wiping snot in his hair.]

Today's the anniversary.

[mo_cara]

[He needn't have worried - Gamzee's nose is warm and not at all damp. The bigger boy is silent for a moment, thinking, then nods in sudden understanding.]

Of when your mum died.

[selfhatred]

[Gamzee would feel Karkat's body tense at the words before he tilts his head against his chest, continuing to look anywhere but at the other as he rested it against the curve of Gamzee's neck.]

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee's stroked Karkat's head, petting him gently as the smaller boy leaned up against him. He didn't say anything. What was there to say? If Karkat wanted to talk, he'd always listen, but it was a sad situation that couldn't be changed, and it seemed better to provide physical comfort than to try and spin some words out of his head to make something better that couldn't be fixed. Other people were good at that, the word thing, but the Slytherin knew there were some holes in his thinking pan that didn't help him in situations like this.

So he just holds and strokes and wishes he could do real magic, the kind of magic that would bring his best friend's mum back.]

[selfhatred]

[Karkat's already spent too much time crying about it. Not just today but ever since the accident. He could never quite forgive himself, and he probably never would. He brought a hand up to curl in the other boy's robes, drawing his legs back in as he shifted onto his side. Gamzee only knew that his mother had died and his dad was a douchecanoe. He didn't know just how much Karkat hated his past self and his current self, or he probably had an inkling. So the Gryffindor curled on his side and buried his face in the taller wizard's arm.]

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee folds himself around the smaller boy, as though he could protect him from the world, though really what Karkat needs protecting from is his own mind.]

She'd be motherfuckin' proud of you.

[selfhatred]

[Karkat's body starts to shake, the fingers in Gamzee's robe sleeve curling tighter. His shoulders and head hunches, voice leaving him in hitched breath. At this time he can't cry anymore, so it's just dry crying that wracks his body so hard he's almost shaking. It was funny how five words could hit him hard like that.]

[mo_cara]

Oh, hey ... [Gamzee's voice is soft, dismayed - he didn't mean to make Karkat cry again! But maybe he needed to? The Slytherin doesn't know - he never cried much himself, not any more, not even when he was really sad about something. Sometimes he sung to himself, but that was about it.

He tightens his arms a little, and presses his lips to the top of the smaller boy's head, rocking just a little as he holds him, hand moving in soothing circles on the Gryffindor's back. He hates it, feeling so helpless to make his friend feel better, but he knows he can't run away. Not now. Not when Karkat needs him.]

[selfhatred]

[After what seems to be a long time, Karkat finally manages to calm himself down enough. He takes a deep breath before inhaling another, sighing a little in the process. His head is pounding and as he gathers himself, he sits up and away from Gamzee, pulling out of the taller Slytherin's embrace.]

...It was my fault. The accident.

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee frowns, already wanting to reach for the smaller boy again as he pulls away.] What do you mean?

[selfhatred]

[He runs his hand through his hair before a small shudder rakes his body, making him lean back against Gamzee anyway.]

I ran out onto the road...mum pushed me out of the way and ended up getting hit instead of me.

[mo_cara]

[Maybe someone who was more together, more with it, could enumerate all the reasons Karkat was wrong. Tell him how parents made decision that their children weren't responsible for, that he had been young and hadn't known any better. But Gamzee isn't all that logical - while he certainly doesn't think that makes it Karkat's fault, he's also not thinking that needs to be said. How can he argue with such a firm belief? He'll leave that to people with a better mind for it. Anyway, it's not the first thought that strikes him, as he folds his arms around his best friend once more.]

Wow. She really loved you a lot.

[selfhatred]

[Just like everyone had been telling him. Just like his uncle always told him around this time of year. Sometimes it made Karkat want to scream in frustration. Nobody could understand the guilt and hurt he felt.]

No. No she didn't.

[mo_cara]

[blinks, but doesn't challenge that, either] How come?

[selfhatred]

[He's actually finding it hard to justify that. He always had. Karkat bites his bottom lip angrily at himself for saying anything. His next words are quiet, muffled slightly.]

If she did then she wouldn't have died.

[mo_cara]

[ ... no, Gamzee might almost get that one. Maybe.] You mad at her 'cause she ditched you?

[selfhatred]

I guess? [He gives a small sigh before reaching up to rub one of his eyes a little tiredly.] I'm not sure anymore.

[mo_cara]

[starts gently stroking his hair again] Tell me about it?

[selfhatred]

There's nothing really much to tell. I've just blamed myself for it for so long that I don't know anymore.

[mo_cara]

Yeah. I guess I get that, motherfucker. [Gamzee knows he's the reason his own mum left, after all.] And I guess all the other motherfuckers is always telling you it ain't up and being your fault, right?

[selfhatred]

[He makes a small noise at that, drawing his knees up to his chest once again.] Yeah, they do.