sortinghat_rp

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[05]

tHESE DREAMS ARE, uH, gETTING RIDICULOUS,
i WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
nOT WITH THEM, i MEAN, i THINK ANYWAY,
aND WHY IS IT HAPPENING IN THE, sHACK OF ALL PLACES,
i DON'T, uH, gET IT AT ALL,
aND i REALLY WISH i WOULD STOP WAKING UP WET, TOO,
iT'S, sUCH A MESS, aND i HAVE TO DO WAY MORE LAUNDRY THAN i USED TO,
bUT i DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT,
oKAY ACTUALLY i DO CARE ABOUT THAT,
mUM KEEPS ASKING ME WHY i HAVE SO MANY DIRTY PANTS,
iT'S A LITTLE EMBARASSING ACTUALLY,,,
bUT MOSTLY i JUST WISH i KNEW WHY, tHIS IS HAPPENING,
kARKAT AND GAMZEE ARE, uH, jUST MY FRIENDS,
i DON'T LIKE THEM LIKE THAT,
i'M NOT GAY,
sERIOUSLY, sO, bRAIN, pLEASE STOP TRYING TO CONFUSE ME,
iT WOULD BE REALLY NICE OF YOU,
i HAVE TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH, i DON'T NEED TO BE CONFUSED, tOO,
i THINK i'LL JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP, aFTER CHANGING PANTS, i GUESS,
wRITING ALL THIS MADE ME FEEL BETTER,
kEEPING THIS DREAM JOURNAL WAS A GOOD IDEA,
i, uH, nEED TO HAVE THOSE MORE OFTEN,
aNYWAY, gOOD NIGHT, jOURNAL,

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

,,, tHEN THE TRUTH IS, i LIED,
i'M SORRY,

i'M, uH,,,
i DO KEEP HAVING, dREAMS, aBOUT YOU,
i'M REALLY SORRY,
aND i'LL TRY AND MAKE THEM STOP,

i AiN't BeInG aN aRsEhOlE oR aNyThInG tO yOu In ThEm, Am I?
cAuSe YoU dOn'T hAvE tO tRy AnD sToP eM oN mY aCcOuNt.
It DoN't BoThEr Me NoNe.
I'm SoRrY dReAm Me Is MaKiNg YoU fEeL cRaPpY, tHoUgH.
:o(

nO, nO,
uHH, tHAT'S THE LAST THING, dREAM YOU IS DOING,
hE,,, uH,
i MEAN,

uMMM,

iT'S KIND OF, hARD TO EXPLAIN AND,
i'M SCARED IF i TELL YOU,
yOU'LL BE UPSET, aND STUFF,
bECAUSE, iT'S ALL A LITTLE WEIRD AND,
vERY,,,
uM, cONFUSING,

[Don't ask, don't ask, don't ask, don't-]

YoU kNoW i Am AbOuT tHe StRaIgHt Up BeSt MoThErFuCkEr To Be TaLkInG tO aBoUt ShIt WhAt'S uP iN tHe WeIrDnEsS zOnE.
jUsT tElL mE, bRo.

[Inkblot inkblot inkblot.]

,,,uHHH, wELL,
i GUESS,,, iF YOU REALLY THINK YOU WON'T, gET UPSET,

uH,,,
kISSING IS, iNVOLVED,
a LOT OF KISSING, bETWEEN YOU AND ME AND KARKAT,
and other stuff

aND LIKE i SAID, uH, iT'S HAPPENING IN THE SHACK,
aND,,, uH, tHAT'S ABOUT IT, i GUESS,

sO wHy AlL dId YoU tHiNk ThAt WoUlD bE uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn BoThErInG mE?
i HaVe LoTs Of DrEaMs AbOuT mAkEoUtS.

[Damn it, he broke Tavros's brain. Motherfuck it all, he should have never kissed that boy, he should have just left him alone ... ]

bUT, uH,
i MEAN,
dO YOU DREAM ABOUT ME,

[Because that is the weird part, Gamzee! Having dreams about kissing your best bro. Nothing is making seeeense.]

[It doesn't even occur to Gamzee to lie, though that might have been a better idea.]

sUrE, bRo.
AlL tHe MoThErFuCkIn TiMe.

[He... stares. For a long time.

A part of him is... kind of relieved. In a way. Because he's... not alone, like he thought! But on the other hand... what did this mean.]

oH,,,uH,
i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY,
i MEAN, uHHH, i KIND OF FEEL BETTER NOW, i GUESS,
bUT, wHAT DO THEY MEAN, gAMZEE,

I aLwAyS rEcKoNeD tHeY mEaNt I wAnTeD tO mAkE oUt WiTh YoU.

[Ohhh, wait, that might be overplaying his hand a little, he doesn't want Tavros to be worried about being around him, since he's still got a huge raging crush on Jade - god. That had been awful to read.]

bUt I hAvE tHoSe DrEaMs AbOuT a LoT oF mOtHeRfUcKiN dUdEs.
YoU aNd KaRkAt AnD eRiDaN aNd OnE tImE eVeN sTrIdEr ExCePt I wAs KiCkInG tHe ShIt OuT oF hIm In ThAt DrEaM.
iT wAs PrEtTy MoThErFuCkIn WeIrD.

oH,,,
bUT, uM,
i'M SUPPOSED TO WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH GIRLS,
nOT, uH, yOU, oR KARKAT,
aND, tHE THING IS, i'VE NEVER HAD A DREAM ABOUT GIRLS LIKE THIS BEFORE,
nOT EVEN JADE,
wHICH IT TURNS OUT IS, nOT GOING TO HAPPEN,

i KNEW IT WOULDN'T, i DON'T KNOW WHY i TOLD HER THAT,
iT WAS REALLY STUPID OF ME,
bUT EVERYONE, uH, wAS TELLING ME HOW IT'S OKAY TO LIKE GUYS AND STUFF,
aND TO EXPLORE MY FEELINGS,
aND i PANICKED AND TOLD HER, tO PROVE THAT,,, uH,
i'M STRAIGHT,
bECAUSE ISN'T THAT WHAT i'M SUPPOSED TO BE,
i DON'T UNDERSTAND,
aND i WISH i KNEW WHAT WAS EVEN HAPPENING,
i'M REALLY JUST,,, cONFUSED, gAMZEE,

[Gamzee is a 15 year old stoner who's own exploration of his feelings has mostly involved having a crush and drunken makeout session with his two best friends, neither of whom wanted to be gay. He's probably not the best person to ask about this, really, but ... ]

pEoPle LiKe WhO tHeY lIkE, bRo.
I dOn'T kNoW wHaT iT cAn Be ChAnGeD, oR eLsE i WoUlDn'T bE bEnDy NoMoRe.
BuT yOu StIlL gOt YoUr LoVe On FoR tHe GrEeN sIsTeR eVeN iF yOu AiN't DrEaMiNg AbOuT hEr, RiGhT?

uHHH, i DON'T KNOW,
i MEAN, i WAS GETTING OVER IT, aND,
iN A WAY THIS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER,
bECAUSE, uH, nOW i KNOW IT WON'T HAPPEN,
sO i DON'T KNOW, iT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED,
bUT i DON'T,,, tHINK SO,
nOT LIKE i DID,

uHHH, wHAT d'YOU MEAN BY BENDY, bY THE WAY,
bECAUSE, tHAT'S A WEIRD THING TO CALL YOURSELF,

bEnDy Is WhAt NiCoLsOn SaId I wAs.
BeCaUsE i WaNt To MaKe OuT wItH bLoKeS mOrE tHaN bIrDs.
BuT i GuEsS wHaT i'M mOtHeRfUcKiN sAyInG iS tHaT iF yOu EvEn UsEd To LoVe JaDe, ThEn ThAt MeAnS yOu AiN't BeNdY lIkE mE.
sO yOu ShOuLdN't WoRrY sO mUcH, cAuSe I kNoW yOu AiN't WaNtInG tO bE lIkE tHaT.

[Tavros wants to ask if that meant he liked him. Because... that's what it was started to sound like. But... he doesn't, because a part of him his honestly scared of the answer. Because he wouldn't know what to say, or do, if he said yes. Why was life suddenly so complicated, why couldn't he go back to not being so damn confused?]

oH,,,
yOU KNOW THAT, uM,
iT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING RIGHT, gAMZEE,
i MEAN, i,,, i DON'T CARE, aT ALL,
yOU KNOW THAT, rIGHT,
i JUST, dIDN'T KNOW UNTIL NOW,
i'M SORRY,

aND, jUST BECAUSE i DON'T, uH,
wANT TO BE, dOESN'T MEAN IT'S BAD,
i'M JUST,,,
scared

BrOs4LyF. :o)
i KnOw YoU dOn'T cArE wHaT i'M bEnDy, BuT mOsTlY eVeRyOnE eLsE tHiNkS iT's WeIrD.
bUt YoU dOn'T gOt To Be ScArEd Of NoThInG, i WoN't LeT nObOdY hUrT yOu FoR hAvInG DrEaMs.

[Damn, this conversation is, just ... painful. But he will stick it out! Tavros needs someone telling him they got his back. Well, someone other than the billion other friends of whom Gamzee is a little worried he disappears into the crowd of.]

tHANKS, bRO,,,

iT'S REALLY GOOD TO KNOW THAT, nO MATTER WHAT, yOU HAVE MY BACK,
aND i'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOURS, tOO,
}:)

HeLl YeS, mOtHeRfUcKeR! ♥
aIn'T nOtHiNg WhAt CaN sToP tHaT.
aNd If YoU wAnT tO gEt YoUr SpEaK oN aBoUt AnYtHiNg, YoU cAn AlWaYs TeLl Me, Or CaLl Me.

[A long while later, sometime after his conversation with Karkat, Tavros decides to take Gamzee up on that offer.]

wHAT DO YOU REMEMBER FROM THAT NIGHT,
iN THE SHACK,

[Please don't lie. Please. He can't handle that right now.

And he can hardly handle the truth either.]

[There's a long pause, as Gamzee considers what to say, trying to wake up from his half dozing state. He'd asked around before, kind of hinted at what might have happened, but when he'd figured out Tavros didn't remember, he'd stopped asking, or bringing it up at all. And then Karkat had said he didn't remember, either.]

eVeRyThInG.
uH, yOu WaNt MoThErFuCkIn DeTaIlS?

[Because no, he can't lie, not to his friend, though how Tavros figured out it was all real is escaping him right now.]

,,, i already have them,

so everyone, except me, knew,

okay,

No, JuSt Me, BrO.
i AsKeD kArKaT aNd He DiDn'T rEmEbEr NoThInG.
sO i StOpPeD aSkInG, cAuSe I rEcKoNeD yOu AlL pRoBaBlY fOrGoT bEcAuSe It WeReN't SoMeThInG yOu WaNtEd To ReMeMbEr.
On AcCoUnT oF yOu BoTh LiKe GiRlS, aNd EvErY tImE i AlL wEnT aNd KiSsEd KaRkAt He GoT hIsSsElF a GiRlFrIeNd AfTeR.
sO i DiDn'T wAnT yOu To GeT aLl MaD aT mE fOr KiSsInG yOu WhEn I kNeW yOu DiDn'T wAnT mE tO.

[Another long pause.]

i'm sorry bro, i'm a shitty friend for taking advantage of you cause you was all drunk and sad.

karkat knew,

he lied, and said he didn't,
but he told me the truth,

we had a fight,

why does everyone, think i would be better off not knowing,
finding out no one, told me the truth,
hurts more than what the truth actually is,
and maybe, the truth wouldn't even have hurt so bad,
if lying wasn't, involved,

but everything hurts, and, this sucks,
a lot,

I TRIED TO TELL YOU BUT YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER.
what the motherfuck was i supposed to do?
YoU aLrEaDy SaId No To Me.
WoUlD yOu HaVe EvEn BeLiEvEd Me?

[He knows the answer. Tavros never believes him about that stuff, and he just ... he couldn't stand having to hear that nervous laugh that told him just how uncomfortable his friend was at the very idea of doing anything with Gamzee.]

you should've,,, told me anyway,,, i don't know!
even if i didn't believe you, at least, i would have the truth,
even if i didn't know it, or something,
i don't know!

and, what do you mean, i said no? about what? what are, you talking about?

[05]

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