FOUR ♋

[selfhatred]

[The page is a myriad of crossed out sentences, most of them unintelligible, before it finishes in one sentence. This was also meant to be private but Mr Crabbypants forgot about that.]

I'M SORRY.

[After a few minutes that's scribbled out too and then this appears]

I'LL BE IN THE OWLERY IF ANYONE NEEDS ME.

Comments

[selfhatred]

[He'll find Karkat sitting on one of the large open windowsills, bundled up in his hoodie and robes draping down the side. In his left hand there's an envelope dangling between his fingers as he leans his head on his arms, knees curled up to his chest as he stares out the other direction.]

[mo_cara]

[Without saying anything, Gamzee inserts himself behind Karkat on the windowsill and wraps his arms around the smaller boy's shoulders, pulling him back against the Slytherin's chest. He's not sure what's wrong, but he figures they'll get to it soon enough. Right now, it looks like a brother needs a motherfuckin' hug.]

[selfhatred]

[The moment he feels someone behind him, he knows it's Gamzee. The Slytherin's pretty much the only one who would so something like that, and Jade's body isn't exactly big enough to envelope him in a hug like Gamzee's can. As soon as the taller boy wraps himself around him, Karkat hunches his shoulders, continuing to stare out at the school grounds.]

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee just holds him like that for a good long while, before asking] You get some bad news, best friend?

[selfhatred]

[It takes him a moment to answer. Gamzee can probably hear his voice crack, a tell tale sign he was crying earlier. He raises an arm to rub his nose with the back of his hand.] Nah. I never send these things.

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee's hand finds his friend's hair, starts to stroke through it. It's like a reflex gesture for him - whenever Karkat's upset, he hugs him and pets his hair. Long, cool fingers stroke through thick, dark locks.] What is it?

[selfhatred]

[This whole friendship thing is still kind of strange to him, but the hair strokes is something that his uncle does when he's overly pissed or upset so he just settles back against Gamzee.]

A letter to my old man.

[mo_cara]

I thought you didn't get on too good with that motherfucker? [stroking from Karkat's temples back, smoothing his hair]

[selfhatred]

I don't. That's why I never send them. [His hunched shoulders relax just a little, though he's still a bit tense.] They're just full of things he'll never read.

[mo_cara]

What all you be putting in there? [Gamzee's voice is mellow, soothing. It's obvious he won't press if Karkat doesn't want to talk about it, but he is a bit curious. The Slytherin's never written a letter he wouldn't send, can't imagine doing it. What would he write to his mother? Or even his father, really, who was still sort of around?]

[selfhatred]

[Karkat's quiet for a moment before he leans back against Gamzee with a sigh, letting his arms droop against his legs, dangling between the open space.] Stuff. Mostly about mum.

[mo_cara]

[The taller boy buries his nose against Karkat's neck, breathing in the comforting smell of him, boy and soap and whatever shampoo it is the Gryffindor uses.] You been thinking about that fine lady a lot, lately?

[selfhatred]

[It takes another moment for him to speak, tilting his head back against Gamzee's and mildly hoping he's not wiping snot in his hair.]

Today's the anniversary.

[mo_cara]

[He needn't have worried - Gamzee's nose is warm and not at all damp. The bigger boy is silent for a moment, thinking, then nods in sudden understanding.]

Of when your mum died.

[selfhatred]

[Gamzee would feel Karkat's body tense at the words before he tilts his head against his chest, continuing to look anywhere but at the other as he rested it against the curve of Gamzee's neck.]

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee's stroked Karkat's head, petting him gently as the smaller boy leaned up against him. He didn't say anything. What was there to say? If Karkat wanted to talk, he'd always listen, but it was a sad situation that couldn't be changed, and it seemed better to provide physical comfort than to try and spin some words out of his head to make something better that couldn't be fixed. Other people were good at that, the word thing, but the Slytherin knew there were some holes in his thinking pan that didn't help him in situations like this.

So he just holds and strokes and wishes he could do real magic, the kind of magic that would bring his best friend's mum back.]

[selfhatred]

[Karkat's already spent too much time crying about it. Not just today but ever since the accident. He could never quite forgive himself, and he probably never would. He brought a hand up to curl in the other boy's robes, drawing his legs back in as he shifted onto his side. Gamzee only knew that his mother had died and his dad was a douchecanoe. He didn't know just how much Karkat hated his past self and his current self, or he probably had an inkling. So the Gryffindor curled on his side and buried his face in the taller wizard's arm.]

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee folds himself around the smaller boy, as though he could protect him from the world, though really what Karkat needs protecting from is his own mind.]

She'd be motherfuckin' proud of you.

[selfhatred]

[Karkat's body starts to shake, the fingers in Gamzee's robe sleeve curling tighter. His shoulders and head hunches, voice leaving him in hitched breath. At this time he can't cry anymore, so it's just dry crying that wracks his body so hard he's almost shaking. It was funny how five words could hit him hard like that.]

[mo_cara]

Oh, hey ... [Gamzee's voice is soft, dismayed - he didn't mean to make Karkat cry again! But maybe he needed to? The Slytherin doesn't know - he never cried much himself, not any more, not even when he was really sad about something. Sometimes he sung to himself, but that was about it.

He tightens his arms a little, and presses his lips to the top of the smaller boy's head, rocking just a little as he holds him, hand moving in soothing circles on the Gryffindor's back. He hates it, feeling so helpless to make his friend feel better, but he knows he can't run away. Not now. Not when Karkat needs him.]

[selfhatred]

[After what seems to be a long time, Karkat finally manages to calm himself down enough. He takes a deep breath before inhaling another, sighing a little in the process. His head is pounding and as he gathers himself, he sits up and away from Gamzee, pulling out of the taller Slytherin's embrace.]

...It was my fault. The accident.

[mo_cara]

[Gamzee frowns, already wanting to reach for the smaller boy again as he pulls away.] What do you mean?

[selfhatred]

[He runs his hand through his hair before a small shudder rakes his body, making him lean back against Gamzee anyway.]

I ran out onto the road...mum pushed me out of the way and ended up getting hit instead of me.

[mo_cara]

[Maybe someone who was more together, more with it, could enumerate all the reasons Karkat was wrong. Tell him how parents made decision that their children weren't responsible for, that he had been young and hadn't known any better. But Gamzee isn't all that logical - while he certainly doesn't think that makes it Karkat's fault, he's also not thinking that needs to be said. How can he argue with such a firm belief? He'll leave that to people with a better mind for it. Anyway, it's not the first thought that strikes him, as he folds his arms around his best friend once more.]

Wow. She really loved you a lot.

[selfhatred]

[Just like everyone had been telling him. Just like his uncle always told him around this time of year. Sometimes it made Karkat want to scream in frustration. Nobody could understand the guilt and hurt he felt.]

No. No she didn't.