❀ oo5:: Maternal love.

[thornsofoglogoth]

Good morning, all. I do believe I've just experienced karmic retribution.
Consider this a thinly veiled tribute and public service announcement: my darling mother is, in fact, somewhere in the vicinity of this castle.

I woke up to several My Little Unicorn dolls and three wizened statues of Albus Dumbledore hobnobbing on my bedside table - as well as two bottles of Old Ogden's Firewhisky which I have surrendered to the appropriate authorities.

Mother, come out, come out, wherever you are. I haven't quite thanked you properly for the gifts and veritable flood of letters I experience every weekend. May we shower each other with familial gestures of kindness all day and may I revel in your maternal charms this fine mothering Sunday.

Everyone, meet my mother, whom I love unconditionally.

Someone, anyone, please kill me now.

Comments

[clockspinner]

payback is a cruel mistress isnt she lalonde
and she comes bearing firewhisky and statues of the headmaster
at lest the statues are wearing clothes this time
or is that what hobnobbing means
cause if you woke up to miniatures of dumbles freeballing it then thats it
i concede defeat
you win the shittiest wake up call award

[thornsofoglogoth]

You may keep your award, Strider.
The statues are fully clothed and there hasn't been any headmaster freeballing, though if their status changes I'll be sure to let you know.

[clockspinner]

you know its funny
i totally forgot about this stupid parents day thing
and then i woke up with a trachea full of foam dicks
at least its a sunday so we can put all our focus on not letting them ruin our lives
instead of also having to go to class

[thornsofoglogoth]

I had hoped mother would be subject to her usual alcoholic lapses of memory and temporarily forgotten her parental obligations to attend. Alas, she is far too dedicated for that.

Either way, she seems to have allowed herself free rein of the grounds in the pretence of staying out of my personal business. I'm not entirely sure I want to know what she's up to.
I'm starting to understand the sentiment behind "ignorance is bliss", but I feel I have a responsibility.

[clockspinner]

meanwhile im simultaneously torn between just sitting back and watching bro ruin my entire life
reputation image and all
versus making an ass of myself trying to stop him

[thornsofoglogoth]

Your brother is certainly one for theatrics.
How much more humiliation are you willing to risk to limit the damage?

Private

[clockspinner]

okay just
am i the only one whos noticed that hes suddenly started acting weird
er than normal i mean

Private

[thornsofoglogoth]

No, I've definitely noticed it.
He's suddenly adopted a rather cryptic attitude.

Any thoughts on what might be behind it?

Private

[clockspinner]

n o p e
i got absolutely jack shit

wait ive just been noticing that hes acting funny outside of the fucking journals
what dirt have you got

Private

[thornsofoglogoth]

In truth I can't say much about his behaviour outside of the journals as I haven't had the opportunity to observe him, but he seems to have taken an oddly subdued interest in my mother and also accused you of having pussy aids.

I'm assuming some of this might be entirely normal, but I expected more lewd jokes.

Private

[clockspinner]

are we talking pussy as in rusty axe wound
vertical grimace
knob gobbler

or are we talking about cats here
inquiring minds need to know

but no i think theyre in cahoots or something

Private

[thornsofoglogoth]

He qualified it with feline, but I assumed it was a double entendre.

On the other hand, yes. Your brother's reaction to this post piqued my interest.
I have a feeling they know more about each other than they let on.

Private

[clockspinner]

i think bro might have the hots for your mom
he is the master of irony
but theres only so ironic you can get about sipping vodka from the nipples of a classy dame
pretty much his words

Private

[thornsofoglogoth]

I'm almost certain he has the hots for her.
Initially I thought he was feigning interest by being intentionally lewd to derail my attempts at evading certain topics, but I would suggest his unconventional approach and slightly defensive tactics hint at something a little more serious than mere infatuation, but I don't entirely know his habits well enough and this is based on a merely prefatory study.

On the other hand, he seems to have flipped the fuck out when I inadvertently compared the two of them.
I must admit myself entirely baffled.

I'm sorry, Dave.

Private

[clockspinner]

sorry what
that you cant get a good read on bro
i told you lalonde 80 percent of what he says is horseshit

or are you sorry that he subjected me to a tender description of your moms booze lactating nipples
because yeah i will accept that apology

wait you mean he flipped the fuck out on you??
come to think of it he reacted pretty strongly when i said you were all over me
something is definitely rotten here