sortinghat_rp | ❀ oo5:: Maternal love.

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❀ oo5:: Maternal love.

Good morning, all. ~~I do believe I've just experienced karmic retribution.~~
Consider this a thinly veiled tribute and public service announcement: my darling mother is, in fact, somewhere in the vicinity of this castle.

I woke up to several My Little Unicorn dolls and three wizened statues of Albus Dumbledore hobnobbing on my bedside table - as well as two bottles of Old Ogden's Firewhisky which I have surrendered to the appropriate authorities.

Mother, come out, come out, wherever you are. I haven't quite thanked you properly for the gifts and veritable flood of letters I experience every weekend. May we shower each other with familial gestures of kindness all day and may I revel in your maternal charms this fine mothering Sunday.

Everyone, meet my mother, whom I love unconditionally.

~~Someone, anyone, please kill me now.~~

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

wait what. shes here.
not that i know her but she sounds like a piece of work.
mlps the shit by the way.

[Filtered Mom.]

lalonde senior.
sup.

Hello. I wasn't aware of your presence, Mr. Strider.

wow formal much.
i didnt know about yours until itty bitty titty lalonde mentioned you.
hows it hangin.
or yknow howre the girls hangin.
still perky i hope.

You know me, I age like fine wine. As perky as ever, if I must say so.

How is your little boy? I'm talking about David; not your genitalia, by the by.

been a while.
pics or it didnt happen.

touche ma lalonde. touche.

the little shits fine i guess. cocky as a motherfucker.

also i feel you should know our children are coming disturbingly close to incestual relations.
or so i heard from some green thing over the journals anyway.
not sure if want.
on one hand theyd make a lot of money in the biz.
on the other.
do i fucking need to say it.

You could come see me in person, we should arrange a meeting and perhaps a cup of tea.

Wait

what

Out of all people

No.

is tea your new code for vodka.
well played. im sure nobody suspects a thing.

yes.
so im thinking its time to actually be responsible or whatever.
and tell them the truth.
unless we wanna end up on jerry springer.
actually i dont think id mind that.
the camera loves me.

I see no harm enjoying myself a cup of... Irish tea.

Perhaps it is time. I probably should have caught it from the start but Rosie rarely talks about her friends. [ More like "she rarely talks". ] Should we gather them up?

yeah the irish are pretty sexy.
i can see why youd enjoy that.

.....

fuck i guess.
this shits gonna be awkward though.
and i usually handle awkwardness just fucking fine.
but this has even me ready to ollie outie.

It shouldn't be that hard. Man up, Strider.

It's quite simple, we just summon the two together and tell them they are, in fact, related. Brother and sisters. "By the way, you're siblings."

Yay.

excuse me princess.
one would think that you do this often lalonde.

woo fucking hoo.

I don't know, I must have implied it in a drunken slur several times but I don't think she took me seriously at all.

lalonde.
not to be an ass or anything.
but i dont think she takes anything you say seriously at all.
fuck theyre way too damn alike.

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Well you're here in your capacity as a legal guardian, are you not?
Unfortunately, her natural inebriation did not prohibit her from attending.

I suppose you'll get along.

yeah sure.
got an owl and decided to show up.
thinking about staying though because why the fuck not.
im sure shes pretty damn good at holding her booze.

really what makes you think so?

~~You both seem hell-bent on destroying both our social lives~~.

Just a hunch.

the fuck are you scribbling out lalonde.
dont make me break out my wand and decipher that shit.
ill go sherlock on your ass.

Actually, I really like Sherlock.
He has nice cheekbones.

i know riiiiight.
theyre like amazing.
you seen mine though these bitches be flawless.

also youre avoiding the question so back the hell up.

Why so suspicious, Bro?
Can't we talk about cheekbones some more, or are they failing to hold your present interest?
I must say yours are a sight to behold, but what features are of your particular preference?

im not suspicious.
you wanna talk features then fine i guess i can indulge you.
if you promise to answer some questions of my own.
yknow for my own amusement when i do get bored of this shit.
so to answer your question i am a fan of big meaty chesticles.
the bigger the areola the better.
adds all kinda character to otherwise subpar boobies.