sortinghat_rp

Entry tags:

[06]

sO, uH,
eASTER BREAK WASN'T A TOTAL,
hORRIBLE AND HUMILIATING EXPERIENCE,
bECAUSE, sOMETHING GOOD DEFINITELY CAME FROM IT,
aLSO SOMETHING THAT TOOK A LOT OF PROCESSING,
bECAUSE, uH, iT WAS A HUGE SURPRISE,
aND ONE THAT, i WASN'T EXPECTING AT ALL,
bUUUT, iT TURNS OUT i AM, nOT QUITE SO MUCH OF AN ONLY CHILD,
aS WAS PREVIOUSLY, tHOUGHT,
wHICH IS TO SAY, i HAVE A BROTHER,
iSN'T THAT REALLY EXCITING,
i WAS REALLY SURPRISED AT FIRST,
bUT NOW, i THINK IT'S REALLY COOL,
aND, tHE BEST PART IS HE WORKS HERE,
aS THE FLYING TEACHER,
uHHH, tHE ONE NOT, rELATED TO A CERTAIN SUPPOSEDLY COOL GUY,
wHO WEARS SHADES,
aND LIKES TO, uH, mAKE FUN OF FAIRIES,
yEEEAH, hE'S THE OTHER, aCTUAL COOL ONE,

[Filtered to Kanaya; hackable by Equius]

hEYYY, uH,
i HAVE A REQUEST,
aND, iT MIGHT SOUNDS KIND OF, rANDOM AND STRANGE,
bUT i PROMISE THAT IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE,
a REALLY, gOOD CAUSE,
i NEED YOU TO MAKE ME A DRESS,
uHH, wELL,
iT'S NOT FOR ME, eXACTLY,
bUT ANYWAY, dO YOU THINK THAT, mAYBE YOU COULD DO THIS FOR ME,
i WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT,
tHE ONLY THING IS THAT, iT HAS TO BE PRETTY,
uHHH, pRETTY ENOUGH FOR A PRINCESS,
iF THAT IS A THING YOU CAN DO,
wHICH, i THINK YOU CAN, bECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD AT BEING PRETTY,
oHHH, aND MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE ME, a PAIR OF WINGS,
tO ATTACH TO MY PETER PAN COSTUME,
sO i CAN BE A FAIRY, }:)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He didn't really know the answer to that. There wasn't really anything to answer to, in a way. A little hesitantly, he ran his fingers through the other boy's mohawk, hoping it would feel a bit comforting in a way. He didn't know how to comfort someone who was crying. He'd never had anyone do it for him.]

I'm not sure. I'm really not sure, bro, but we will.

[The effect the simple action of the hand in his mohawk had was nearly instantaneous. A memory came back to him, involving just that. And it was a vivid one, painfully crystal clear. He knew what he was remembering was not one of his dreams.

He let out a squeak and flinched back, face turning a bright shade of red and hands leaving his face to clamp over his mouth to prevent letting anymore sounds out. The look in his eyes plainly showed how scared he was, not of Karkat, but... of everything else. And how embarrassed he was, and... about a million more emotions.

Slowly, he brought his hands down, letting out a small, shaky breathy.]

I-I... I just, I... S-sorry, but...I... [He didn't know. He was nothing more than a quivering and blubbering mess.]

[Karkat jerked his hand back as soon as he felt Tavros flinch, feeling something roll around in his stomach. It wasn't jealousy like what he'd been feeling whenever Gamzee brought up Tavros...was it pity? He didn't know. Feelings had always been a hard thing for Karkat to figure out, and it was only getting harder right now.

So he really did the only thing he could think of.

He leaned down and pressed his lips gently to the Hufflepuff's.]

[The only thing that stopped Tavros from pulling away was the fact that his entire being froze up completely. He didn't breathe, he didn't blink, it was almost as if he was frozen completely in time; a statue. But his mind was racing. And yet at the same time, he had no coherent thoughts whatsoever.

Karkat was kissing him. There was one. It was the only one, actually. Nothing else solidified, nothing else would stick. His mind was a whirlwind of confusion, and fright, and... and things he didn't want to think about. so many things he didn't want to think about.

Finally he pulled away and words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them.]

W-What about Feferi?

Edited 2012-04-20 07:29 (UTC)

[He really didn't know why he'd done that. It just kind of seemed like the appropriate reaction. This was the second time he'd kissed Tavros to shut him up and calm him down, the first being in the shack. When Tavros pulled away and spoke, Karkat's brow furrowed a little as he glanced away, straightening himself.]

She...I like her well enough. I guess our relationship had kind of bad timing and wasn't...really well thought out on my part. [He sighed a little and pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead. He was so confused. Why did he have to be confused.] I just wanted to forget.

[The realization of what he'd said to Karkat hit him suddenly. No! No, no, that. Was not what he'd meant to say. No! It didn't matter what Feferi thought, because there was no reason for her to think anything, because... Karkat and Feferi could still be a thing. Because Tavros was not with Karkat. That wasn't a thing that was happening, so why did he ask it like it was? No, that was stupid. That was so stupid, and he was stupid.]

What? No, no, uh, no! It doesn't, matter, because... Because, y-you're still dating her, and... Nothing's, changed. I, I mean... I should've- I meant, wh-why did you do that, to me? Because... b-because, now I'm, uh, more confused and, I... Oh my god. Oh my god, I... I... I d-don't know anymore. I just. I do-don't know! I'm not- I-I can't... I'm not... But... [He broke off, letting out a helpless whimper as he looked away.] I-I'm not, supposed to... it's, not supposed to be like this!

[Karkat leaned back away from the other boy, biting his bottom lips together before swearing under his breath. He should've known that kissing wouldn't have helped anything. Kissing had been the worst thing to do. For a long moment he was silent before realizing he was still holding Tavros's book bag. He closed his eyes for a minute before he opened them and reached around to hook it back onto the handle.

And for the longest moment he was silent, mouth open slightly as he tried to figure out what to say.]

Sorry. We're...still friends, right?

[At Karkat's words, Tavros's head finally turned to face him again. There was pain and confliction all over his face. Tears were welling in his eyes again, and he was shaking. But he didn't look angry at all, just. Scared.]

I...I, l-liked it, K-Karkat.

[His tone was helpless, defeated, miserable. Like it was the single hardest thing for him to admit. And it was. It scared him and he wished that it wasn't true, but he liked it and he'd realized that somewhere during the kiss. It was the reason why he'd jumped to Feferi without even thinking, instead of freaking out automatically. He liked it and he hated himself for it.]

[He knew that tone. Knew it all too well, but usually it was from himself. He knelt down in front of Tavros again, placing his hands on the armrests of the wheelchair. Not doing anything, just looking at him.]

There's nothing wrong with that, man.

[The reassurance didn't do anything outwardly to make Tavros appear to feel better. His face scrunched up and tears spilled from his eyes and he let out a choked sob, before just collapsing forward onto Karkat, shaking. On the inside, they did make him feel better, slightly. Very slightly. But not enough.

Not enough to prevent him from clinging to Karkat desperately and crying his eyes out. Because he didn't want those feelings. He was scared of them, completely and totally terrified. He wanted to be normal, like he was supposed to be.

He gripped Karkat all the harder, not even stopping to think that he might be choking him. He wasn't even able to think about it, he just needed his rock, and that rock was Karkat. Anchoring him down just enough that he didn't completely lose himself in his jumbled up sea of feelings.]

[He hadn't been expecting Tavros to pretty much fall on him. Karkat had to brace himself since he was only kneeling on one knee, letting his arms automatically draw up and wrap around the other boy. He wasn't the best for comforting. It just wasn't something he did. But he kind of got the idea of what was going through the Hufflepuff's mind, and he raised one hand to gently pet the back of his head.]

If liking guys makes you weird, then I guess I'm not normal either.

[As Karkat patted him, he just buried his face further against him. It felt good, it felt comforting, even if Karkat didn't think he was any good at doing it. To Tavros, he was. Or maybe Tavros was just that upset, that the littlest thing would feel comforting. Either way, it helped.

At his words though, Tavros squeezed even tighter for a moment, because they scared him. They made everything feel more real and he wasn't sure if he could handle that. But then the meaning behind them really started getting to him. They... they could get through this, together. Together. That was... new, and... really scary. But. Comforting.

But he realized he didn't even know if... Karkat meant that, because maybe he was jumping to conclusions. Oh he felt stupid for even considering that... Them together, no... No, there was... there was no way at all, that Karkat would even. Ever. No.

Slowly, his grip loosened on Karkat and he pulled away, sniffing. He wiped his nose a little on his sleeve, and finally looked Karkat in the face.]

...D-Does that mean, you... like m- I-I mean, that you liked...that you... [He was struggling for words again and very quickly becoming a blubbering mess once more.]

[He let his arms slide away when Tavros pulled away, placing one of his hands on an arm rest, pursing his lips together. He did. He'd liked it. It was hard to admit that, but it was true. Just like how he'd liked kissing Gamzee. He'd never even kissed Jade or Feferi so he couldn't say what it was like compared to kissing a girl, but...something made his stomach churn, but in a good way.

He glanced away, a small flush curling across his cheeks.]

Yeah...yeah. I did.

[Tavros turned red again- or maybe he'd never stopped? There was no telling. It made him feel a little relieved. A little. And he stopped shaking. That was a good sign. But at the same time, it didn't... answer the question he'd really wanted to ask which was, did Karkat like... him?

And oh god, he couldn't actually ask that, no, no, no. Ugh, this was all still too... everything, and... he was just. Feeling so many things. So many that it was hard for him to even know what his biggest feeling was. The only thing that he'd gathered from all of this though, was the fact... he and Karkat were both... something. He still didn't want to think of himself as... gay. Because. Just because. It was scary.

But he really hadn't gotten whether or not Karkat liked him Or just guys. Or, both. Tavros was so confused. But that was something he'd never stopped feeling in the first place. But it did make it worse. But did he even want Karkat to... to like him? He didn't know. He just knew he wanted to be with Karkat... and, deal with this together. Which didn't necessarily mean... together, as a thing, even though... yeah, it kind of did. Oh god he had no idea how this was even supposed to work. All he knew was he liked Karkat a lot and he needed him. That was all he knew and he wanted to know what Karkat thought.

He was just... scared to ask. It felt like he was just scared of everything. Which, when it came to the current situation, he pretty much was.

Tavros chewed at his bottom lip nervously, reaching up to wipe at his eyes where tears still clung to them. He didn't know what to say, or do, or anything. Finally, he took a deep breath. He had to know. He had to, for the sake of getting rid of some of the confusion. As scary as it was, he'd already asked and said scarier things. And he didn't have a whole lot to lose. Except... maybe a friend, because he was being so stupid. But... he could only hope that Karkat wouldn't be mad or anything, if he asked.]

...D-Does that m-mean...you... [He hesitated, because now that he was speaking, suddenly it seemed like the hardest thing in the world to say. Everything said previously seemed so easy, and he wanted to just go back and relive those, because of how easy they seemed.] l-like... m-me...? O-Or, um, are y-you still...c-confused.

[Karkat waited for Tavros to speak as he stood again, shoving his hands into the pocket of his hoodie. He really didn't know if it was just Tavros and Gamzee that he liked or if he liked any other guys in general. He'd always resented the fact that a little part of him was attracted to his best friend, which had been part of the reason why he tried so hard to identify as straight, had tried to convince himself he had a crush on Jade and then Feferi.

It had almost worked.

Now he was back to square one, confused and frustrated at himself for being so. His frustration only made him angrier in the end, and he knew that, depending on what Tavros said, he could probably be hitting the wall behind his bed until his fists bled again.

He'd taken a chance behind that kiss, had admitted something he didn't want to admit to himself. He was scared, because he'd put so much of himself on the line. A part of himself that he denied existed.

When Tavros spoke, Karkat blinked, staring a little before he bowed his head again, afraid of looking the other boy in the eyes.]

I'm still confused, but...yeah. I do. Like you, I mean.

[Waiting for Karkat to speak was terrifying. His stomach twisted and churned and for a little bit he regretted asking. Especially when Karkat's expression looked so... everywhere. Just as confused as he did, and maybe even a little angry. Tavros shrunk down in his seat a little. He didn't mean to make Karkat mad, or... make him feel more confused.

When he spoke, though, slowly his stomach untwisted. Karkat... liked him. And... and... And he didn't know what. But it made him feel a lot better. But also, in a way, it just made him feel so much more scared. Because he didn't know all of what Karkat was feeling, and he didn't want him to be angry at him.

But then he remembered that they were both having the same feelings, and... hesitantly, nervously, he reached his hand out. It was shaking, but he didn't stop. His hand went up to Karkat's upper arm, where he put it gently against it, staring at Karkat.]

C-Can we... b-be confused a-and...try and and get, not confused t-together, Karkat? [His voice was shaking, and he was stuttering more than he ever had in his life.]

Edited 2012-04-20 09:38 (UTC)

[Feeling Tavros's hand touch his arm, Karkat felt his stomach drop a little, spiraling down, down into a pit of ice he didn't know had been sitting there. He wanted to throw up and...so many emotions were running through him right now. He didn't know how to handle them all.

At the other boy's question, he licks his lips a little, staring down at him before feeling his cheeks flush a little more. Jeez, you'd think he was being proposed to or something.]

Yeah. We can...do that.

[Relief pretty much crashed over Tavros like a wave. He had Karkat. He had a rock. An anchor. He wasn't alone in this, and they could do this together and everything would be okay. Or least, he hoped so. He really hoped so. Just knowing that he had someone, though, was a big comfort despite how terrifying the whole thing was.

But then he remembered something again that brought him crashing back to reality, stomach churning in awful ways until he was ready to throw up too. Oh god, he'd been so stupid. So absolutely stupid and caught up in his own... feelings and he was forgetting the feelings of someone very important. Oh god.]

Feferi! Oh god. [His voice was as terrified as he felt. Which, was nothing new. But there was more to it. He sounded guilty, as if he'd just committed the single blackest sin in the entire world.] Oh, god. She's...sh-she's going to hate me. Oh god. I'm sorry, I...I wasn't thinking! I-I...I... she's going to hate me. I'm, a terrible person, oh god... I...what do I- we- Karkat...! [Help, he's panicking.]

[Oh. That had been why there was ice in his stomach. He'd forgotten about Feferi for a moment. But he still meant what he'd said before. Reaching out, he placed his hand over Tavros's mouth before pressing a finger to his lips, making a shooshing noise with his throat. He waited for a moment to speak, closing his eyes.]

I'll talk to her. We haven't really done anything since Easter when her nanny died, but she has a home now, so she has other people to help her through it. I'll help her too, but I think I should do it as a friend. I won't tell her about this being the reason, though.

[He pauses.] It's...probably better nobody knows. Then we won't have people trying to confuse us more.

[Tavros was quiet for a while even after Karkat spoke. Guilt continued to swarm inside of Tavros like an angry swarm of bees. Feferi was his friend, and she'd stuck up for him so much and gone through everything she did... and then he was doing this to her. Whatever it was. It just kind of vague, and he didn't... really know what this was, but he had a sort of idea, kind of. Or a hope. He just didn't really know. But either way, it was clear that Karkat was breaking up with Feferi, and that it was partly Tavros's fault. And he felt awful.

But on some level he was selfish, because he didn't want to stop Karkat, afraid that if he did, that Karkat wouldn't help him through it. That they wouldn't still do this together. He felt absolutely horrible about it, and he wanted to cry again.]

O-Okay... [Again, he was quiet for a few seconds, and he fought to hold back tears.] I...I f-feel like such a bad friend. A-And... I've never k-kept secrets, like this before...ever.

[Karkat felt terrible too. It mightn't have been much of a problem if he hadn't made a fool of himself in front of the entire school at the match. Feferi was nice, a good friend, but there had been some part of him that kept incessantly bullying him about what he really felt. It had been there with Jade too. His brain was constantly on overdrive at night, which resulted in many nights without sleep even after he'd seen the potion's professor about a sleeping potion or at least something to make him relax.

Watching Tavros, he brought his hand up again, fingers wiping gently under the other boy's eyes.]

You're not. If she's gonna be mad at anyone it's gonna be me and only me, okay? [He paused, tilting his head before looking back at Tavros.] It's easy, but maybe that's just me because I keep everything secret.

[Tavros closed his eyes as Karkat wiped at his tears. He shuddered a little, face turning pink. This was new and so different, and it gave him a weird feeling in his stomach that didn't exactly feel horrible. It was almost like a swarm of butterflies was trying to fight away the bees of guilt.]

I...but, it's my f-fault. I can't let you, t-take all the blame... I-I would be, even more of a bad friend.

[His own stomach was swimming, but mostly with nerves instead of butterflies. What if he was doing this wrong? What if he was wrong? His head was starting to hurt with the confusion. He shook his head, placing his hand on top of Tavros's.]

None of this is your fault, dude, so stop thinking it is. I've been feeling like I kinda forced her into something for a while now.

[Tavros's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and mild disbelief and he shook his head.] N-No, this is... definitely my fault, for... having these dreams, and, getting confused... A-and I think, it just... s-seems like, I made you confused too. [He hesitated, before continuing.] I...also, don't think you, um, forced F-Feferi into anything? Because she's, not the kind of...p-person, who could easily, be forced into things... So, I don't think that you did.

I was already confused to begin with. [He rubbed a finger under his nose, shifting a little in his spot.] I guess my first kiss being with Gamzee didn't help much. [Karkat bit his bottom lip, chewing it lightly in worry.] I pretty much told the whole school she was my girlfriend during last month's match, man. I guess...I dunno, it just kinda seemed like I was forcing her into something.

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