sortinghat_rp | Five Smuppets [Private to the Adults; Unhackable- But also an Unfiltered bit!]]

ok so.
i need help.
oh look bro striders asking for help.
its a sign of the fucking apocalypse or somethin.
whatever shittyass douchebag comment youve got about this you can go shove it up your hairy ass.
because i dont fucking care if you think its funny.
i legit need help so just keep your fucking commentary to yourself for once.
murdoc i am looking right the fuck at you.
go away.
i dont even know why i didnt filter you out of this.
i know youve got shit to say.
and yknow its not like you have anything relevant to add to this anyway.
youre the last person i even want to ask for advice from.
especially on this fucking matter.
anyway.
yeah so here i go.

[Well now that he's about to get to the matter, he feels really hesitant. It's been a while since he's talked about this kind of thing. In fact, he... hasn't really talked about it since it happened. It's just something he's bottled up and tried to forget about. He's tried to ignore the signs that it's still an issue, for himself and for Dirk. But after what happened on the journals with Dirk, he can't keep ignoring that there's a problem. A problem he just doesn't know how to fix at all, because... To be honest, it still hurts him too. Even though he's pretended that it hasn't ever since Dirk moved in.]

so yeah yknow.
my bro died. im sure you all remember that.
theres no need to point out how i fucked up there guys.
i know.
i really do.
so just shut up because im sure youre dying to remind me how much i fucked up there.
dont.
seriously just dont.
anyway. yeah. he died and so im left with a nephew.
a really fucking rad nephew by the way.
hes great.
i really just couldnt even ask for a better nephew.
except i think hes broken.
i mean.
i dont mean that in like a bad way.
i legit mean that i think somethings wrong.
and i dont know how to fix it.
i just think its really getting to him and i dont think he wants to even admit it himself.
i mean im sure if i asked him hed just deny the hell out of it.
because thats what striders do.
and i can admit we can be really fucking annoying like that.
but the thing is even if i did ask him.
i couldnt.
because i dont know how to fucking ask.
i dont know how to deal with this shit you guys.
i dont even know how to deal with his death to be fucking honest.
so how the hell dyou help an 11 year old.
its just really obvious from the way he talks that its there.
right underneath the surface.
i think hes got some resentment or some shit.
maybe even for me because i didnt really talk to my bro all that much.
i just dont know.

so how do i deal with this.
what do i even do.
i never thought id ask for parenting advice but.
well here the fuck i am.

also.
uh.
i know that dave went through a lot last year and i was wondering if there was anything i should do about that too.
like. do i talk to him about it or just.
pretend none of it ever happened. because im sure hed rather just forget about it.
but i dunno i mean that doesnt seem to be helping dirk so i just figured that maybe dave might need to let it out or something too.

anyway yeah.
i need a drink.

[After a few seconds, he adds an unfiltered part as an after thought, because he really just needs to get his mind off of this shit.]

so i hope you little shits all had a fantastic time at the party.
you owe me some fucking lube though.
and condoms.
because seriously who uses a mans condoms.
thats just rude.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

i didnt use lube for shit
that was all dirk and roxy
i was too busy trying to keep everyones fingers out of the blender and asses out of the hospital

all in all it was an awesome party
you totally missed it

you shoulda let them.
a few amputations can spice up any party.
and wow.
are you really telling me you had a party and didnt.
yknow.
?

that automatically docks a few awesome points.

and howd two 11 year olds find my lube anyway.

are you kidding did you see the crew that ended up showing up
im lucky blood wasnt shed anyway

besides where the hell is there even room to get jiggy with it
the flat was packed to the roof
literally
and i didnt feel too keen on gettin it on in front of the three 11 year olds

dirk lives here dumbass

yeah that kinda thing happens when you have a goddamn open invite.
blood and packed house.
thats why the next party you throw needs to be private invite only bro.
yeah i can see why thatd be a boner kill.

yeah but its not like i go around advertising where i keep my lube.
but it doesnt matter he can just buy me a new bottle its nbd.

also i just wanted to say good job.
i mean you threw a party and nothing seriously bad went down.
i knew i could trust you.

[Inkblots. Everywhere.

.......

Bro is proud of him?

Brb checking for signs of the apocalypse.]

well yeah
i mean
thanks bro

[Of course he is, Dave. Gosh, he always is. Clearly he needs to tell you this more often.]

yw.
in fact i was thinkin you and i could go somewhere and celebrate your rad as fuck party throwing skills.
yknow like just the two of us for once.
its been a while since we did anything together hasnt it.
i mean if you want to.
i know youve got a lot of friends and a lot of shit to do this summer.
dont wanna interrupt.

uh
i dont have any real plans
i mean im kinda playin it by ear and all

but whatre we gonna do with dirk and roxy

oh sweet.
no i mean not that youve not got plans.
but that youre free.
for us to do things.

well figure something out.
i mean what trouble could two kids get up to alone.
they did fine during the party didnt they.
lube slide aside.

what dyou wanna do anyway.
its your call.

i dun
i dunno
uh
we could
i mean

ikindawannagotoknockturnalley
just to look around and shit
ive heard theyve got all kinds of cool dead shit

yeah ok.
we can do that no problem.
but you just gotta stick close.
i mean call me overprotective but it can be dangerous there.
but yeah that sounds badass.
wanna go this weekend?

if we can find a sitter for dirk and rox i was thinking we could stay overnight in the leaky cauldron too.
yknow just for s and gs.
a bro weekend out eh?

really?
i mean sweet
sounds good
you aint gonna make me hold your hand or sth are you
cause that aint happening until we get in there
just in case anyones shopping in diagon alley
gotta protect my cred and all

holy shit that sounds awesome
you mean it bro
sounds cool
well make a real weekend out of it

so youre saying when we get inside youll hold my hand.
yknow i think im gonna take you up on this.
just for extra protection.
who knows what kinda douchebags are all up in there.

hell yes.
ill make reservations at the leaky cauldron now.
yknow get a room with a view.

dammit
fine
you gonna hold onto my wand hand or am i gonna hold onto yours

sweet action
sounds like a plan
gotta find a sitter for dirk and roxy tho

im ambidextrous dave.
we can both keep our wand hands free.
duh.

yeah thats gonna be a problem.
but well figure it out.
i was thinking possibly asking banks.
but idk its not like were close or anything.
the alternative is vantas senior and pussy princess.
theyre actually kinda cool.