[ journal / 01 ]

[flirtini]

so
dear magical diary: got fuckin WASTED yesterday, shit was cash
until today i mean
bc damn hangovers are a hell of a NOT FUN
note 2 self: lay off the sauce for a while

so besides this partying i am all doing in my moms basement alone with my 100000000000000000 cats
smth interesting happened
got kicked out of beauxbatons
got set up with hoggy
got sent a MAGICAL oh so magical oh so sparkling oh so like a paintchat diary
but like
how does this shit even WORK....
magic is how

anyways the interesting thing that happened
lets talk about that
or write
its like
this owl comes screaming down
sliding thru the air like a hot knife through butter
like a bat out of hell
like steam from boiling water
and just.
slams into the window.
and drops this book down into the garden

im fucking surprised it didnt just break right through i mean it was a BIG OWL
but like
the point is
i got owls screeching n flying into windows
i got cats meowing and running into the patio door
where the fuck are the toads
just hopping and ribbiting and trying to eat flies that are on the other side of the glass
a pathetic site of nature and a mockery of actually getting the dins

anyways i hear my mom so im gonna stop writing
ha ha who is gonna buy that BALONEY bologne balonga?
how the fuck do you spell that shit
this is my abrupt cut off xoxoxoox goodbye

Comments

[toocoolforthis]

The magical diary endeavors to inform you that it is really damn bad at keeping secrets, but thanks you nevertheless for sharing your incredible story with the class.
It thinks that 100000000000000000 cats is entirely too fucking many cats, but admires your ability to keep them.
It also returns the xoxoxoox, despite the mistake.
And finally, it says "Welcome to Hogwarts, you crazy diamond."
I can already tell next year is going to be something else.

[flirtini]

oh mister diary sir
u have NO clue how much shit i plan on wrecking
how many trophies i plan on acquiring while in the general area
my cabinet is VAST and WIDE and i plan on filling that shit up to the brim
so get packing cause im not leaving a single one behind for anybody else
useless cups and also paperweights: a special episode of hoarders
ill show all of hogwarts the FRANCAY way of gettin things done

PS: never enough kitties
PPS: ikr that story is fucking gold
PPPS: omgomg a diamond u are a flattering hunk of a diary

[stubbornskeptic]

Drinking is a bad idea for a lot of reasons, actually.
And this isn't a private diary entry, I'm afraid!
My name's Jane.
And I'm sure you'll love Hogwarts!

[flirtini]

zzzzzz
wat is this
oh is it maybe
perhaps
my diary talking to me????
are there multiple ppl in this journal bc this one
this one right here
seems kinda boring if u get me
kinda.......... the death of the party if u get me
but lol there needs to be balance in this world of the grandiose party
i am the life and this book is the death
the party will live on tho because this cycle of life and death is in like...
rotation
like reincarnation but with confetti and vodka

DAMN that is some philisophical shit

anyways hey diary
dear diary,
today i met a tightass inside of a book
g2g have a good one
- ro to the lal

Private

[papatiger]

I'm going to let your language slide just this time, young lady, but don't let me catch you repeating this shocking behaviour at Hogwarts ever again.

Private

[flirtini]

its just some curse words
and not the magical kind either just plain ol muggle bull.......crap
see look at that sir
sir are you looking
b/c i am doing HECKA GYMNASTICS for ur prudish self
the art of contortionistismsliness passed down in my family 4 generations
watch as i fit into this tiny box and then also push myself under the bed
totally CONSIDERATE and ACCOMMODATING
thats me
totally understanding and otherwise getting your harsh written word

saint sacrément bâton dans la boue
ce que vous êtes mais un enseignant
rigoriste

[ holy damn stick in the mud
what are you, a teacher
stickler ]

Private

[papatiger]

Curse words that any young impressionable student may pick up, given that you made a public post in your journal for everyone to read.

Private

[flirtini]

do u want me to stick a sign on this post saying like
"do not repeat this terrible language kids a grumpy old person will get mad at you"
or do u want to pretend you didnt privately message me
and u scold me again but this time like
in public

Private

[papatiger]

I'd rather you stick a signpost saying, "Do not repeat this terrible language because you will be getting a month's detention once the school term starts".

I might even make it two, given that you are deliberately trying to be sassy with a professor.

Private

[flirtini]

[ crap. ]

man those kids BETTER not be repeating my shi bad language
cause like wow
wow
a month of detention assigned OUT of the school year like
thats pretty harsh
so glad im not those kids
like man oh man am i ever glad cause id be hecka pressed if *I* were the one gettin all that fun detention
spending some quality time with a professor whos all crossed at me
for like
legit reasons that arent petty or little at all
like legit i mean that its not a tiny little thing no one cares about nowadays anymore
just like
whew
so glad.

Private

[papatiger]

I certainly hope so, because if their punishment seems bad, imagine what the person who introduced the foul words to them will have to go through.

What's your name?

Private

[flirtini]

gulp

my name?? well its obviously
anne dupont

[strideallknight]

baloney
you got it right the first time
the oscar meyer commercials lied to you all this time
i feel bad for the owl though
not only did it slam into a glass window like a dumbass but it had the misfortune of landing in the middle of a horde of cats
talk about bad luck
btw did you get sorted into your house yet or are they doing that when you actually start school in september

[toocoolforthis]

Well, now I know.
I suppose one would say you're going to acquire all of the trophies.
For your vast tracks of cabinets.
But if your plan for getting all these trophies involves getting wasted, the only one you're going to get is the "party hard" award.

So, you have a name? Or am I going to have to call you pink ink diamond all year long?

[flirtini]

shit crap
they really did its just the worst revelation to be having
thought i spelled that wrong but i was actually right all along
a falsie bad feeling
magical owls are tougher than reg owls like
if it had been a reg owl i wouldve been hecka worried just
poor poor little owl baby
but no hes fine our cats are indoor cats ty god idk what id do if they ran free in the wilderness like that
little purring babies :3

ravenclaw here
it was a hullabaloo of a wild time
with all sortsa talking hats and private rooms
and also probing my innermost thoughts??
i didnt like that part
beauxbatons never did that
but i guess its better than getting expelled

[thisonetime_withellis]

ho shit this is pink.
I like it.
I mean not for me i aint that kind of guy if you know what I'm saying............
You know what i'm saying.
Reminds me of this one time I turned my bros eyebrows pink and he wouldn't even go near the windows for a week.
Sounds like you got somethin in the water there with all the animals going fucking batshit.
Like really what are you feeding them??
I can see one animal taking a running jump into a glass door but you gotta start loking looking at outside stuff when its all of them.
Wow fuck my spelling haha whats wrong with this quill.

[flirtini]

oh dont even start
i am a talented as balls w/ magic witch
appearifying white rabbits out of hats from literal thin air
im putting on a sideshow and the main attraction is ME
all eyes on me all eyes on us
ur gonna be my sideshow minion
getting sawed in half after pretending to be a random person from the audience

idk if i want to put my name down in this book
bc like gags over joke is run out of town
i actually do know ur not a diary all talkin to me
and who knows who u rly are
maybe
a teacher out 2 get me?? we can never know for certain

[flirtini]

pink is the ONLY COLOR for a gal like me
pretty in pink fabulousness on 2 legs
just strutting my favorite gel pen stuff
but a fella whose comfy in pink sounds my style ;)
just that raw CONFIDENCE n INHERENT MANLINESS
u feel me
colors arent like boy colors and girl colors they are just colors
so dont worry

cats are fed rly well just a little inbred
its what happens when you have a zillion and no clinic anywhere near to fix em
like id just walk but we live in the middle of NOWHERE
so id be walking for years

[strideallknight]

yeah im glad my brothers werent hardcore cat people
i dont think my owl wouldve survived 5 minutes
staring at it going yum owl for lunch today
screw robins and crows and whatever
its like having a turkey dinner without expecting to get a turkey

its a one time thing at least
all the first years gotta go through it
i was hoping youd be gryffindor but you cant have everything
also yeah id take on a hungarian horntail if it meant avoiding expulsion
might as well get intros outta the way though
im dave

[marshall_lee]

I like to think of the journals as being similar to internet message boards. The difference is that everyone can see what you write unless you filter it.

[flirtini]

cats are where its at
owls are cuties but kitties are the coolest
idk im a cat person thru and thru
i didnt get to grow up with my siblings just my mom
and we are both really into cats

god how do u guys stand it like
i guess a lil kid isnt gonna be all up and freaking cause they just never thought of that shit this way but
a hat now knows my deepest darkest secrets
my dirtest laundry
the skeletons in my closet
etc


[switching to PRIVATE]

ok u seem like a rad dude and also not a fuckin teacher
one already threatened me with detention for a whole MONTH bc i just
used a lil sailor mouth
a fuck here and a shit there
sprinkle on a little ass
and u got urself
a single ;)
and the only
ROXY

sos like
whats hoggie made of
hows it tick besides STRICT ASS TEACHERS
and magical books
give me the deets boy

[flirtini]

so the book knows about the internet now
weird ass muggle tech all up in this dictionarys definitions
dear diary what the heck kind of shit are you feeding these young impressionable magical youth
dont lead them into the dark internet
not that any tech works in these fuckin schools anyways but like
thats hella misleading like people ALL OVER THE WORLD can see ur shit
that sounds cool as fu- wait no
the internet is a dangerous place
u better watch urself there
tyvm u may thank me proper later

filtering like man is that a fishtank term what does that even MEAN
dangggg i am just so confused to the max about this writes back diary
wheres the instruction booklet

text;

[gnee]

aren't you a bit young to be wasted?

[Yes, that is his only question.]

[strideallknight]

cats are definitely cool and all
im just more of a bird guy i guess
might have something to do with how the local murder of crows around my house practically adopted me
i have no idea why

the hat wont blab
that things so old i dont think any of your secrets would surprise it
and professor dumbledore doesnt care enough to ask it any questions about his students

[Private]

oh jesus
a whole month?
my advice is to basically censor yourself on the initial post and then run with it if youre sure youre talking to a student
or guess
some of the professors dont give two shits but theyre in the minority
the prof of magical languages i know doesnt care if you use the foulest of profanities
hed probably ask you to a duel of cussing

its a castle somewhere in england that runs on magic
we got moving staircases
trick doors
doors thatre there one minute and gone the next
ghosts
a forbidden forest you so dont want to visit
secret passages
and theres a village we can visit on set weekends if youre third year and above
its called hogsmeade

[marshall_lee]

Uhh..the responses you're getting aren't from the diary itself..they're from other students.

I'm Marshall Lee. I'll be a sixth year next term in Slytherin house.