Two Sick Beats

[clockspinner]

_{[It's....technically Sunday. And yes, the timestamp is in fact completely accurate. 0457 GMT.]}

WHERE IS HE?
BRO I FUCKING KNOW YOURE SOMEWHERE IN THIS FUCKING CASTLE
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOURE DOING HERE
OR HOW THE FUCK YOU GOT IN OUR ROOM
BUT I KNOW YOURE HERE SOMEWHERE AND I WILL FIND YOU

<sub>[Karkat and John (as well as most of Gryffindor Tower) just got the rudest awakening of the year. Namely, Dave screaming like the star in an exorcism movie and flailing out from under a massive, multicoloured pile of his brother's signature smuppets. Y u p.

Happy Parent's Day, everyone!]</sub>

Comments

[stridingironically]

you really wanna ask me that.
you really wanna go there.
i brought baby pics for the occasion dave.
i came prepared.
and that would be a negative ghostrider.
last one had a heart attack this morning.
keeled over right the fuck there.
called an ambulance and told them we got a DRT.

[clockspinner]

let me guess
youre gonna blow up my little magically moving ass to poster sized and slap them around the school
somehow i think smuppets in the dorm room is still worse
get these things out of here btw or they are all fucking going out the window
and to the business end of an incendio

well damn youve been busy havent you

[stridingironically]

i have one.
of you.
as a baby.
hugging a smuppet.
you went there. you fucking went there.
you went and got cocky.
and you insulted my fucking business.
that is grounds for immediate embarrassment and a good damn wack with a cane boy.

also yes.
its was my mission to eradicate the area of old women.
mission success.
fucking nags.

[clockspinner]

ill have to check the statutes again but im pretty sure thats child abuse
indecent exposure in front of a minor
oh my god bro are you really gonna strife me in front of the school
i have been
through all the shit
i do not need you and cal wiping the cornerstones with me
and especially not at fucking butts o clock in the goddamn morning
why are you even awake you dont usually get up before the crack of noon

[stridingironically]

its got a diaper on thank you very fucking much.
i covered my ass dave. im not stupid.

and yes. yes i am.
and wow way to have confidence in yourself bucko.
i bet that gets you all the ladies.
and i woke up early just for you sunshine.

[clockspinner]

does it have a diaper on its freaky dick shaped head
because thats the part that i nearly choked on this morning

you know what gets me the ladies
my peerless excellence at sport
and anyway what fucking business is it of yours
you really
really
didnt have to do that bro

[stridingironically]

its not obviously dickish enough to bring down the wrath of cps.
not my fault you were fellating in your sleep again.

oh you joined the quidditch team.
where was the owl telling me this wonderful bit of news.
did you kill it with a sword too.
man that was messy remember that. good times man.

[clockspinner]

if dickishness was the measure that brought down cps id have been in a foster family before i was two jerk

hell yes i did
took one look at my crazy flying skills and signed me up to be the best fucking seeker gryffindors ever seen
man not even funny that owl never did anything to anybody
and that was an accident you know that

[stridingironically]

dave what the fuck.
when did you ever see a dick as a kid.
i kept those away from you.
what are you even implying because i dont think i like it.
sounds like you love your nonexistent foster bro more than me.

well shit.
you actually fucking sound like a strider for once.
probably wouldve come to the game if youd told me.
thanks dave.

yes im sure he appreciates the sentiment now that hes worm food.
it was the most hilarious of accidents.

[clockspinner]

according to lalonde ive seen enough to make a porn vet blush
im a freudians wet dream
...shit bad choice of words

and what the fuck is that supposed to mean asshole
glad to hear ive finally shed my cocoon of uselessness and become a beautiful striderfly
dude no one elses parents come to the games
what do you want me to say

[stridingironically]

i aint even gonna touch that one dave.
didnt realize you were so fucked up.
no actually im gonna touch that.
its throbbing so hard i just gotta feel it man.
the fuck kinda porn did you look at as a kid.

took you over a year to join the team.
i was beginning to wonder if you were taking home ec or something.
lost your manhood in the cake batter.

also i want you to say youre sorry to the poor god damn dead owl. the one that you killed.
which is now dead.
an apology is all i ask for.

[clockspinner]

this
this is exactly the kind of thing
that is the reason why i never invite my friends over for the hols
by the way im going to egberts for easter hope thats aces

im pretty sure the home ec teacher is secretly a badass
but thats irrelevant man you know im not taking home ec
its not my fault the captain thought i was blind

fine ill light a candle for the fucking owls poor departed soul

_{[SPELLED PRIVATE]}
do not scare harley bro
this is the most fucking non negotiable thing that has ever been completely unavailable for negotiation

[stridingironically]

whoa whoa whoa back up jack.
you didnt get permission for that.
you did not ask me.
i did not get a single owl.
presumably because you killed them all but i digress.
you cant just make your own decisions kid.
what if i say no.

whoa watch out we got a badass baker.
he thought you were blind.
what the actual shit.

wow dude you sure like hiding things.
what makes you think id scare her off.
i can be reasonable.
reasonables my motherfucking middle name.
or maybe its maurice i dunno.
the point is if you have a thing for her then hey its cool.
ill back the fuck off.
but i think john would be sad.

[clockspinner]

oh would you look at that
my forest of fucks is burning down
im not gonna have any to give you sorry
i did not have time to send a single owl because here you fucking are
jesus dicks its not like ive known about this for months

he thought i was blind because of the shades or something
i dont fucking know specters crazy

wow dude you sure dont have any respect for my fucking privacy
just back the fuck off of jade okay
AND STOP TALKING ABOUT JOHN LIKE THAT

[stridingironically]

yeah thats it im saying no.
no going to your bffs house man.
or bf i dont fucking know anymore with you.
i feel like i dont know you anymore.
youre changing and it is breaking my fragile little heart.
thanks anakin.

i have one word for that guy.
moron.
moving on.

oh oops i guess i talked about egbert again up there huh.
sure looks like it.
come on man you honestly think im gonna scare her off.
what could i possibly say that would do that.
you dont keep secrets apparently.
why are you so afraid.

[clockspinner]

im anakin thats a fucking laugh
youre vader all up in this shit bro only your death star is entirely manned by smuppets
im fourteen dude im capable of making my own goddamn decisions

and for the last time
i dont know where you got this fucking idea that im nursing some huge homoboner for john
but you could not be more fucking wrong so just drop it asshole
just
do not ruin my friendships bro
seriously

[stridingironically]

you can make your own decisions when you beat me in a duel.
til then im calling all the shots.
and get it fucking right
im emperor fucking palpatine.
the bitch is strong in this one.

jesus christ youre really tripping over your shit on this.
chillax.
didnt i teach you to roll with the punches.
adapt.
calm the fuck down.
youre sounding like a whiny pussy for shits sake.