sortinghat_rp | Two Sick Beats

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Two Sick Beats

_{[It's....technically Sunday. And yes, the timestamp is in fact completely accurate. 0457 GMT.]}

WHERE IS HE?
BRO I FUCKING KNOW YOURE SOMEWHERE IN THIS FUCKING CASTLE
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOURE DOING HERE
OR HOW THE FUCK YOU GOT IN OUR ROOM
BUT I KNOW YOURE HERE SOMEWHERE AND I WILL FIND YOU

_{[Karkat and John (as well as most of Gryffindor Tower) just got the rudest awakening of the year. Namely, Dave screaming like the star in an exorcism movie and flailing out from under a massive, multicoloured pile of his brother's signature smuppets. Y u p.

Happy Parent's Day, everyone!]}

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

and how would you know john has a penis.
have you seen it.
did he show you.
how do you know whats in his pants.
thats so insensitive you know.
what if hes ftm dave.
what if he just hasnt told anyone.
wow.
insensitive asshole.

bromance is one little letter away from romance.
im sure he wouldnt mind the little change there.
just one letter.
thats all.
thats all it takes man.

really dude
are you that desperate to get under my skin that youre pulling the
well what if hes ftm card
for the record ive lived with him for the better part of the last three years
and if he was wiggling into a binder every morning i think id have noticed
not that i even fucking care either way
hes john who the fuck cares whats in his pants

[Private. Look at him all confiding in you and shit.]
dont
even
go there
johns so hetero i dont think he even
if i was anything but straight i dont even know how hed react
he might get awkward around me or sth
just
please bro lay off

i dunno i hear theyre pretty sneaky with that shit.
you get in and never see it coming.
and then you go to grope and instead of that lovemeat all you get is a squish you werent even expecting.
but fuck thats some oprah worthy shit right there.
thats the kinda thing they reblog to hell on the internet.
you should be proud man.
almost enough to bring a tear to my eye even.

[Oh fine he'll bite, private.]

so.
whatre you trying to say dave.

well goddamn whos being the insensitive one now
i thought you had your tear ducts removed when your feelings gland got excised

_{[THANK you, Jesus dick]}

im saying that afaik john is exactly the kind of straight
who will side eye me for the rest of forever if he even gets the faintest whiff that im not all over the poontang too
even if that whiff was just coming from a big pile of bullshit
once that doubt is planted hell never look at me the same again
and not in a good way

aint being insensitive just telling the fucking truth.
wait til it happens to you.
i dunno man i think theyre growing back.

[God stop being so polite in the narrative Dave, you fucking pussy. He guesses you're welcome.]

you ever had a girlfriend dave.
beards are really fucking good at covering your tracks.
im getting the feeling youve been making tracks.
tracks that need to be covered.
i mean im not saying ive ever needed a beard.
who the fuck needs one when youre sexy and you know it.
and straight i guess.

anyway youre so fucking defensive about john.
my oprah senses are tingling.
talk to me.
let me help your tragic teen issues.

so im going to be a weepy insensitive asshole in my old age
good to know

_{[Fuck you and fuck your fucking Oprah senses, you creepy old fart.]}

what the fuck do you think
i cant just pick one girl all the rest would be jelly
besides man what the fuck makes you think i need a beard
you think im not into muff diving

im defensive because you dont know them
and yet here you come acting like ive written a goddamn encyclopedia
in which the only entries of note are egbert john and harley jade
i know this is hard for you to understand because youve never had friends before
so im gonna use small fucking words
i
will never
forgive you
if you make things weird between me and them

you sure have been acting like you need a beard today.
i mean come on you have any idea how it comes off the way youre tripping all over john and worrying about youre 'bromance'.
that comes off as a little suspicious to everyone involved dave.
and youve not mentioned baking a single muff so what do i fucking know.

i know plenty about them.
i have a journal and i keep plenty of tabs on everything.
sometimes anyway.
sometimes i just skim.
but i pick up enough shit to know a lot.

its funny how you think i have no friends.
and yet here you are desperately clinging to yours.
scared shitless im gonna ruin it for you.
they cant handle a strider then fuck them.
theyre not good enough for you.
they wouldnt have my seal of approval thats for damn sure.

look bro this may come as a big shocker but i like girls
i just also like ~~john~~ guys
i think
kind of
growing up is hard

...wait
does that mean that right now they do have your approval
stop the goddamn presses
you actually like my friends??

whoa. whoooa. holy shit.
okay.
stop this ride i wanna get off.
because let me just say.
i had no idea.
meanwhile ellen degeneres likes pussy.
did you know dr phils bald and acts like a know it all twat.
this is brand new information.

and you couldve picked shittier shitheads.

and you continue to be an ass
all the news thats fit to print

...thanks man

would get the fuck out of my house been preferable.
dunno what you want dude.

yep.

wait i thought you were being an asshole because i said growing up is hard
you mean youre not surprised that i bat for both teams

no. to both things.
i was apparently being an asshole about accepting you for whatever the fuck you are.
is that bad broenting now or what.
you want me to try the unaccepting approach.
i can try.

no dont i just
shit im a little surprised

not that surprised given that we basically live in a 24 7 pride parade
but a little surprised

also why are you not surprised?

yeah thats what i thought.
but if you ever get bored of this whole acceptance thing then we can always try it.

there are some things bros just know dave.
and Bro fucking knows all.

also you were pretty fucking defensive about john.
that pretty much confirmed it for me.
but i still knew before then so dont get your undies bunched up by thinking i was just fishing and snagged a confession.

welp these are all very uncomfortable revelations

if youll excuse me i have a choice babe to court

well fuck you too.
jesus.
maybe ill backtrack and be unaccepting.
that sounds like a pretty good idea.

bullshit no you dont.

you calling my bluff bro
im positively dripping in classy broads
i just told you i like girls too

i fucking know asshole
your bifuckingsexual.
not gay.
i got it.

but from what i hear it you aint had a girl in a long time.
thats what green text told me anyway.

so whats the problem why dont you just fucking go for egbert if the girls are few and far between.

her names not green text asshole its jade
or harley

and i think we already fucking discussed the issue of egberts heterosexuality
and how that may be a detriment to getting our sausage rubbing on

and girls are not few and far between
lalonde is available
and harley although i dunno if she even thinks about anyone that way
after her last boyfriend went the way of the fist

fine harley.

how do you fucking know hes as heterosexual.
have you ever asked him if hed be open for sloppy makeouts.
he might be.
if youve got such a fucking bromance going then im sure he can handle it.

lalondes not an option.
have you met her mother.
shes an alcoholic.
and that is a bad influence.
stay away from lalonde pants.

and are you kidding if youre that desperate for harley then man the fuck up and ask her out.
she thinks youre not even into her that way.
open your god damn eyes people.
its like im dealing with kids he-

fuck.

protip rose is not her mom
and im pretty sure shed kick your ass for implying that she is
not that im sure ms lalonde isnt a classy lady and shit but
she and rose may be cut from the same cloth but they were made into totally different articles of clothing
fuck i dont even know where that metaphor went

yeah spoiler alert jackass im the oldest out of the four of us and im only fourteen

no dumbass.
im asking whether you want a crazy drunk for a stepmom
protip you dont.
you really dont.

yeah it kinda flew away and then dropped dead.
like the owl that one time.
you know.
the one you killed.

im not even touching the owl this time because you know what
lets take a look at the word stepmom
at the risk of being cliche i do not think it means what you think it means
what the fuck kind of freudian slip was that bro
do you have the hots for roses mom

wait what.
no fuck you dave.
god.
see this is why you shouldnt date fucking lalondes.
psychoanalytical bullshit.
i meant mother inlaw you dumb fuck.
easy mistake to make.

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