sortinghat_rp

Entry tags:

[06]

sO, uH,
eASTER BREAK WASN'T A TOTAL,
hORRIBLE AND HUMILIATING EXPERIENCE,
bECAUSE, sOMETHING GOOD DEFINITELY CAME FROM IT,
aLSO SOMETHING THAT TOOK A LOT OF PROCESSING,
bECAUSE, uH, iT WAS A HUGE SURPRISE,
aND ONE THAT, i WASN'T EXPECTING AT ALL,
bUUUT, iT TURNS OUT i AM, nOT QUITE SO MUCH OF AN ONLY CHILD,
aS WAS PREVIOUSLY, tHOUGHT,
wHICH IS TO SAY, i HAVE A BROTHER,
iSN'T THAT REALLY EXCITING,
i WAS REALLY SURPRISED AT FIRST,
bUT NOW, i THINK IT'S REALLY COOL,
aND, tHE BEST PART IS HE WORKS HERE,
aS THE FLYING TEACHER,
uHHH, tHE ONE NOT, rELATED TO A CERTAIN SUPPOSEDLY COOL GUY,
wHO WEARS SHADES,
aND LIKES TO, uH, mAKE FUN OF FAIRIES,
yEEEAH, hE'S THE OTHER, aCTUAL COOL ONE,

[Filtered to Kanaya; hackable by Equius]

hEYYY, uH,
i HAVE A REQUEST,
aND, iT MIGHT SOUNDS KIND OF, rANDOM AND STRANGE,
bUT i PROMISE THAT IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE,
a REALLY, gOOD CAUSE,
i NEED YOU TO MAKE ME A DRESS,
uHH, wELL,
iT'S NOT FOR ME, eXACTLY,
bUT ANYWAY, dO YOU THINK THAT, mAYBE YOU COULD DO THIS FOR ME,
i WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT,
tHE ONLY THING IS THAT, iT HAS TO BE PRETTY,
uHHH, pRETTY ENOUGH FOR A PRINCESS,
iF THAT IS A THING YOU CAN DO,
wHICH, i THINK YOU CAN, bECAUSE YOU'RE GOOD AT BEING PRETTY,
oHHH, aND MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE ME, a PAIR OF WINGS,
tO ATTACH TO MY PETER PAN COSTUME,
sO i CAN BE A FAIRY, }:)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Tavros himself was still deep in egypt floating along denial. He didn't want to think that there was any possible way that he could be anything but straight because that was scary. And he shouldn't have been having any kind of feelings. At all.

They'd kissed, it was no big deal! NO BIG DEAL.

Why was he acting like it was a big deal, and why was it making him feel so awkward, and so confused, and so... Everything? It shouldn't have been. But even when it came to Jade, he hadn't felt so... this, whatever he was feeling. He didn't know what he was feeling. It was scary, and confusing, and he wanted to just scream.

Except not really.]

You can, uh, use mine... for reference, I won't tell anyone, if you don't? [His hand was shaking a little when he dug back around in his bag, trying to force thoughts of the shack from his mind, when he was struck with another very vivid image and he froze, hand still deep in the bag.

He stayed like that, for a few long moments. Finally, he whispered something that he'd realized, somewhere in the back of his mind, along the way. Something he was scared to admit, but knew he needed to, to make sure they finally were over everything. The memories he kept having only made him realize, somehow, that he needed to tell Karkat this more.]

I... uh,... I wasn't mad, because you lied. [His voice is shaky, and his hand is still deep in his bookbag, his eyes staring hard down at it instead of Karkat.] I was, mad because... I'm confused, and...scared and... I don't, understand a lot of things right now.

[Karkat paused, listening to Tavros speak before he lowered his quill to where he didn't realize he'd picked it up. He swallowed a little, looking down at his parchment and not really at the other boy, but he came to the realization that Tavros was feeling the exact same thing he was.

He pulled his hand into a fist before releasing it with a sigh.]

It's...it's okay. I got pissed at you for...pretty much the exact same reason. [He dropped his head a little as the flush on his cheeks brightened.] I...I get so mad when I don't understand something, or when I'm confused. It's a knee jerk reaction I've had since I was a kid and...

[my mom died. He took a deep breath, trying to steady the anger.]

You...really didn't deserve anything of what I said. I lied because I thought...maybe I could figure things out. Why I was so scared of knowing... [He leaned his head into his hands and against the table, gripping his hair a little.] I really envied you for being able to forget about what happened.

[Tavros was quiet for a long time. How long exactly he didn't know, but he was just kind of lost in his thoughts. He hadn't expected Karkat of all people to feel the same way he did. Not at all. Ever since Gamzee had confessed to being gay, he'd kind of just... sort of seen everything, over the last few years. Realized how affectionate the two of them were, and thought that maybe there was a little... sort of something there?

He knew they weren't an actual thing, because Karkat was with Feferi. But there was a... a thing, there, that he couldn't really explain. But it definitely made it seem like Karkat was not exactly straight. Which was totally fine! When he'd realized it, it hadn't been exactly shocking, and he'd been perfectly fine with it. It was just... his own issues that scared him. His own confusion and fright over everything he was feeling. Over the things he didn't want to admit he was feeling, because it meant he was feeling things he shouldn't have been feeling and was scared to be feeling and oh god he was getting a headache. Definitely. Definitely a stress headache coming on.

The fact Karkat felt that way was just... he didn't even know what to say. It made him even more scared, to be honest. He didn't have a rock. He couldn't... talk to Karkat, without feeling extremely awkward. Or maybe he could. He didn't know. But... confessing that the dreams were starting to be solely focused on him suddenly didn't feel right. Suddenly it felt really, really awkward. Oh god.]

I... r-really? [It was all he could get out at first.] I... I mean, you're...? [The question was unspoken, as he trailed off. He couldn't even begin to speak it, his voice trailed off in a high pitched whisper. And he hoped Karkat would leave it unspoken. He didn't even know exactly what he was asking, but maybe the intent was clear anyway. He just. Didn't know. Except that he was surprised, and scared, and completely nervous.]

[When Tavros drew quiet, Karkat stared down at the table underneath his elbows, trying to think. There wasn't much else for him to say about things, really. He had figured he just had a best friend crush on Gamzee and somehow he'd been fine with that. What had happened at the shack had just opened up a whole lot of unsure feelings within him.

He crossed one arm along the table, keeping his head on one hand when the question was offered. He ran his fingers through his hair, scratching the back of his neck.]

I...don't know? I-I mean I thought Gamzee was the only guy I was...attracted to...

[Tavros's stomach twisted uncomfortably. That was. more than he wanted to know. Because, he didn't want to think so much about it. Oh god. So these were feelings they were both having. And. They were both confused about them. And- and-

And he suddenly got the implication behind Karkat's words. There was... someone...]

...A-are you. I mean. Did you- that thing, that you just, uh, said... I mean- are you saying that you... me? [It came out in barely a whisper. No, he had to be misinterpreting it. That wasn't possible. That wasn't possible at all. Because that meant the dreams were just that much harder to handle. It meant he was that much more confused.

He ran a hand through his mohawk almost frantically, gripping at it, before resting his elbows on the table and sort of burying his face in his hands. His stomach was churning uncomfortably and he was being hit with even more vivid images from that night in the shack, mixed with his own dreams, and he didn't know what to do anymore. At all.]

[Karkat took a deep breath, steadying himself as he tried to gather his thoughts. Did he? Was he? The short answer was he didn't know. That had been what he'd been trying to figure out, why he got so mad when Tavros lied right back to him. He licked his lips before leaning back in his seat, crossing his arms.]

That's what...I've been trying to figure out...

[Tavros's fingers dug into his forehead and he let out a small little groan. This didn't make it easier. This made it even more difficult. So much more difficult. And he didn't know how to even feel about it at all. He didn't know what to do.]

They're about you. [It was blurted out, and he turned his head to the side so that he couldn't look at Karkat, his his head slipping against his hands so that his fingers could curl into his mohawk.]

[There's a short pause before Karkat speaks, his voice unnaturally quiet.]

Me?

[Tavros let out a helpless sigh. He wished he didn't have to clarify, that Karkat could've just understood. Because he himself sure didn't understand anything. He needed someone to understand everything for him, just so he didn't have to. Why wasn't that happening? Or maybe he was just being childish.]

The...d-dreams, are... a-about, you... [He shook his head. No, this was stupid, and he had to leave. He was letting himself feel things that just made him even more confused. He needed to leave and go somewhere, and just. Get over them, and then come back and help Karkat with his essay. Or avoid him all together. He didn't know which one would be best.]

Uh, I-I... I should, go, and. Do something, that isn't talking about this, because... Because, I... I just, don't know, okay? And, I'm, uh, just... I don't know. I don't know. [He gripped the bag in his lap and made to turn around and hook it back on one of the handlebars, only for it to slip out of his one of his hands, resulting in everything spilling out onto the floor.] No...No, no, no, oh my god, why can't I do anything right? Why can't, I just be normal? [And it was clear from his voice that he meant more than just spilling his bags. He buried his face in his hands again, letting out a helpless whimper.]

[Wordlessly, Karkat stood from his seat and knelt to the ground, starting to gather the Hufflepuff's stuff for him. He was trying to understand everything but it didn't help his own problems. He gave a small sigh and fixed the bag up, folding the flap over the top as he knelt there, wanting to say something but not knowing what to say exactly.

Finally he stood, holding the bag in both of his hands as he looked at the Hufflepuff.]

You're not fucked up, man. [He paused, fidgeting a little with the other boy's bag.] And if we were normal we wouldn't exactly be in this fucking school in the first place. [He stepped closer and knelt again, placing a hand uncertainly on Tavros's knee.] I don't know either. I'm just as confused as you are. But...that's what being a teenager is about, y'know? We fuck things up, we try again. There's...really nothing wrong with what happened or what you're dreaming about.

[Under normal circumstances, maybe he would've chuckled a little at the school comment. But he just let out another little whine, because that's not what he meant, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything. He his upper body tensed up when Karkat's hand rested on his knee and he pressed harder into his hands but didn't say anything. He just listened to Karkat speak. Embarrassingly, he felt his lip start to quiver and tears welled in his eyes.

Karkat's words were comforting, in a weird way. It meant he wasn't upset with him for the dreams, something he'd been worried about after what he'd just confessed. It was comforting, but at the same time it didn't help entirely. He sniffed, and rubbed the palm of his hands against his eyes to try and push back the tears. He didn't want to cry.

He didn't want to cry because it meant there was something wrong, that there was something to cry over in the first place. But despite it, he let out a tiny little sob, and the tears came even though he tried fighting them.]

I-I...I'm scared...

Me too.

[Karkat didn't know what else to say. He'd only really said what was on his mind, because it was true. They were teenagers. They were pretty much entitled to doing stupid shit. He frowned a little when Tavros started crying, biting his bottom lip, his hand starting to rub soothing circles on the knee he'd placed it on, even though he knew the other boy probably couldn't feel it.

He wasn't upset. Tavros was allowed to dream what he wanted to dream. But that didn't mean that he didn't feel weird about it more or less. Knowing he was causing someone's wet dreams was a little...odd. His hand left Tavros's knee and he lifted it, brushing his thumb underneath the hand hiding his eyes.]

But...we'll get through this. We're both confused, but there's no reason why we can't figure things out together.

[Tavros shook his head and let out another small, whiny and desperate groan. He didn't care that he sounded stupid, or immature, or anything like that. He didn't see how they could figure it out. How was it even possible to work through everything he was feeling? He didn't even know if he wanted to, scared that if he dug too deep that he would find something he didn't want to find. He was just scared.]

H-how? How, are we even supposed to do that? Because, nothing is making sense, and, I don't know what to do! [He didn't bring his hands down, still couldn't look at Karkat. He stupidly and stubbornly thought that if he just hid behind his hands, everything would go away.]

[He didn't really know the answer to that. There wasn't really anything to answer to, in a way. A little hesitantly, he ran his fingers through the other boy's mohawk, hoping it would feel a bit comforting in a way. He didn't know how to comfort someone who was crying. He'd never had anyone do it for him.]

I'm not sure. I'm really not sure, bro, but we will.

[The effect the simple action of the hand in his mohawk had was nearly instantaneous. A memory came back to him, involving just that. And it was a vivid one, painfully crystal clear. He knew what he was remembering was not one of his dreams.

He let out a squeak and flinched back, face turning a bright shade of red and hands leaving his face to clamp over his mouth to prevent letting anymore sounds out. The look in his eyes plainly showed how scared he was, not of Karkat, but... of everything else. And how embarrassed he was, and... about a million more emotions.

Slowly, he brought his hands down, letting out a small, shaky breathy.]

I-I... I just, I... S-sorry, but...I... [He didn't know. He was nothing more than a quivering and blubbering mess.]

[Karkat jerked his hand back as soon as he felt Tavros flinch, feeling something roll around in his stomach. It wasn't jealousy like what he'd been feeling whenever Gamzee brought up Tavros...was it pity? He didn't know. Feelings had always been a hard thing for Karkat to figure out, and it was only getting harder right now.

So he really did the only thing he could think of.

He leaned down and pressed his lips gently to the Hufflepuff's.]

[The only thing that stopped Tavros from pulling away was the fact that his entire being froze up completely. He didn't breathe, he didn't blink, it was almost as if he was frozen completely in time; a statue. But his mind was racing. And yet at the same time, he had no coherent thoughts whatsoever.

Karkat was kissing him. There was one. It was the only one, actually. Nothing else solidified, nothing else would stick. His mind was a whirlwind of confusion, and fright, and... and things he didn't want to think about. so many things he didn't want to think about.

Finally he pulled away and words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them.]

W-What about Feferi?

Edited 2012-04-20 07:29 (UTC)

[He really didn't know why he'd done that. It just kind of seemed like the appropriate reaction. This was the second time he'd kissed Tavros to shut him up and calm him down, the first being in the shack. When Tavros pulled away and spoke, Karkat's brow furrowed a little as he glanced away, straightening himself.]

She...I like her well enough. I guess our relationship had kind of bad timing and wasn't...really well thought out on my part. [He sighed a little and pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead. He was so confused. Why did he have to be confused.] I just wanted to forget.

[The realization of what he'd said to Karkat hit him suddenly. No! No, no, that. Was not what he'd meant to say. No! It didn't matter what Feferi thought, because there was no reason for her to think anything, because... Karkat and Feferi could still be a thing. Because Tavros was not with Karkat. That wasn't a thing that was happening, so why did he ask it like it was? No, that was stupid. That was so stupid, and he was stupid.]

What? No, no, uh, no! It doesn't, matter, because... Because, y-you're still dating her, and... Nothing's, changed. I, I mean... I should've- I meant, wh-why did you do that, to me? Because... b-because, now I'm, uh, more confused and, I... Oh my god. Oh my god, I... I... I d-don't know anymore. I just. I do-don't know! I'm not- I-I can't... I'm not... But... [He broke off, letting out a helpless whimper as he looked away.] I-I'm not, supposed to... it's, not supposed to be like this!

[Karkat leaned back away from the other boy, biting his bottom lips together before swearing under his breath. He should've known that kissing wouldn't have helped anything. Kissing had been the worst thing to do. For a long moment he was silent before realizing he was still holding Tavros's book bag. He closed his eyes for a minute before he opened them and reached around to hook it back onto the handle.

And for the longest moment he was silent, mouth open slightly as he tried to figure out what to say.]

Sorry. We're...still friends, right?

[At Karkat's words, Tavros's head finally turned to face him again. There was pain and confliction all over his face. Tears were welling in his eyes again, and he was shaking. But he didn't look angry at all, just. Scared.]

I...I, l-liked it, K-Karkat.

[His tone was helpless, defeated, miserable. Like it was the single hardest thing for him to admit. And it was. It scared him and he wished that it wasn't true, but he liked it and he'd realized that somewhere during the kiss. It was the reason why he'd jumped to Feferi without even thinking, instead of freaking out automatically. He liked it and he hated himself for it.]

[He knew that tone. Knew it all too well, but usually it was from himself. He knelt down in front of Tavros again, placing his hands on the armrests of the wheelchair. Not doing anything, just looking at him.]

There's nothing wrong with that, man.

[The reassurance didn't do anything outwardly to make Tavros appear to feel better. His face scrunched up and tears spilled from his eyes and he let out a choked sob, before just collapsing forward onto Karkat, shaking. On the inside, they did make him feel better, slightly. Very slightly. But not enough.

Not enough to prevent him from clinging to Karkat desperately and crying his eyes out. Because he didn't want those feelings. He was scared of them, completely and totally terrified. He wanted to be normal, like he was supposed to be.

He gripped Karkat all the harder, not even stopping to think that he might be choking him. He wasn't even able to think about it, he just needed his rock, and that rock was Karkat. Anchoring him down just enough that he didn't completely lose himself in his jumbled up sea of feelings.]

[He hadn't been expecting Tavros to pretty much fall on him. Karkat had to brace himself since he was only kneeling on one knee, letting his arms automatically draw up and wrap around the other boy. He wasn't the best for comforting. It just wasn't something he did. But he kind of got the idea of what was going through the Hufflepuff's mind, and he raised one hand to gently pet the back of his head.]

If liking guys makes you weird, then I guess I'm not normal either.

[As Karkat patted him, he just buried his face further against him. It felt good, it felt comforting, even if Karkat didn't think he was any good at doing it. To Tavros, he was. Or maybe Tavros was just that upset, that the littlest thing would feel comforting. Either way, it helped.

At his words though, Tavros squeezed even tighter for a moment, because they scared him. They made everything feel more real and he wasn't sure if he could handle that. But then the meaning behind them really started getting to him. They... they could get through this, together. Together. That was... new, and... really scary. But. Comforting.

But he realized he didn't even know if... Karkat meant that, because maybe he was jumping to conclusions. Oh he felt stupid for even considering that... Them together, no... No, there was... there was no way at all, that Karkat would even. Ever. No.

Slowly, his grip loosened on Karkat and he pulled away, sniffing. He wiped his nose a little on his sleeve, and finally looked Karkat in the face.]

...D-Does that mean, you... like m- I-I mean, that you liked...that you... [He was struggling for words again and very quickly becoming a blubbering mess once more.]

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