Seven Smuppets

[plushaeusrumpified]

Alright everyone gather around, because Bro has an announcement to make for all of you bitches. But first you're probably thinking 'whoa suddenly grammar!'

Yes. That is definitely something that I'm doing now. Because I have a new job.

But don't let your heart break yet, because I'm still here. I'm not actually leaving, so calm your breasts. Okay no, I'm sorry, even though I'm trying to be all fancy, I just can't say that. So calm your tits.

Anyway, yeah. I'm transferring to a new position; I'm your new Magical Languages professor. It's the best fucking new elective Hogwarts has ever had and I'm sure you all wanna join. I have bad news though, because it's only third year and up.

Unless you beg. If you beg, I'm sure I can pull a few strings with Dumblebro. He's a rad guy, considering he actually let me have this position. But yep, that's my announcement. You can go ahead and sign up, just write your name and year and owl it over. That way I can know how many of you to expect.

Also if you have any questions, I guess you can ask. It never hurts to give a few more deets if you're that interested.

Oh and Kishitani, that means I'm a real goddamn Professor now, so if I hear you question that anymore, I'm giving you detention for real.

Comments

[clockspinner]

im not disowning you
cause youre not my bro

[plushaeusrumpified]

ok um.
is this better.
because im really not understanding you.
and this is kind of shitty.
because i was excited.

[clockspinner]

how do i know youre not some dark wizard polyjuiced into bro

when was i born

[plushaeusrumpified]

Ok well if I have to prove it to you, then I might as well just go back to writing like this. I still can't believe you're being this paranoid.

You were born on December 3rd at 11:55 PM at St. Mungo's, third floor, maternity ward. Rom 321. Rose was born ten minutes later, though that's not very relevant to you, so don't get your panties in a twist.

You peed on the healer.

You tried sucking my boob.

You stopped crying when I held you.

I was the first one to see your eyes.

Then you smiled at me.

[Suddenly something that isn't ink drips onto the page and the following words are blurred very slightly.

No, he's not doing a very uncool thing right now.]

It was the best day of my fucking life.

[clockspinner]

[there's a long pause.

...

...

...]

i dont remember any of that

[plushaeusrumpified]

[...Okay then.]

Why the fuck did you ask?

[clockspinner]

what is my wand made of and how many did i have to try before i found it

what kind of broom did you get me and when did you get it

[plushaeusrumpified]

It was rowan wood, 11 1/2 inches, dragon heartstring. You had to try five before you got that one and you actually nearly poked me in the eye, because I was standing on my knees beside you when it finally worked for you.

I bought you a Nimbus 1700 for your 13thbirthday in second year, but you had to wait until the holidays to get it. I took a picture of it with Lil Cal riding it, though. The first time you flew, it was like you'd been doing it forever.

Keep them coming, I can answer them all fucking day if I have to.

Dave, I'm your father.

Ksssssshkaaaaaaa.

[clockspinner]

and how many years did you lie to me about that

[plushaeusrumpified]

[There are several inkblots and it's a long time before he can finally respond.]

Fourteen.

I guess I'm not allowed to be happy about my job, am I?

[clockspinner]

...

youre not allowed to drastically change everything while youre sitting in the next room

i hardly know anything the truth about you

dont go fucking with what i thought was a constant

[plushaeusrumpified]

Dave...

It's just handwriting. Nothing's changed. It's not invasion of the bodysnatchers up in here! I'm still your

I'm still me.