Dave Strider (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
clockspinner) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
sortinghat_rp2012-03-18 04:57 am
clockspinner) wrote in sortinghat_rp2012-03-18 04:57 am
Entry tags:
Two Sick Beats
[It's....technically Sunday. And yes, the timestamp is in fact completely accurate. 0457 GMT.]
WHERE IS HE?
BRO I FUCKING KNOW YOURE SOMEWHERE IN THIS FUCKING CASTLE
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOURE DOING HERE
OR HOW THE FUCK YOU GOT IN OUR ROOM
BUT I KNOW YOURE HERE SOMEWHERE AND I WILL FIND YOU
[Karkat and John (as well as most of Gryffindor Tower) just got the rudest awakening of the year. Namely, Dave screaming like the star in an exorcism movie and flailing out from under a massive, multicoloured pile of his brother's signature smuppets. Y u p.
Happy Parent's Day, everyone!]
WHERE IS HE?
BRO I FUCKING KNOW YOURE SOMEWHERE IN THIS FUCKING CASTLE
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOURE DOING HERE
OR HOW THE FUCK YOU GOT IN OUR ROOM
BUT I KNOW YOURE HERE SOMEWHERE AND I WILL FIND YOU
[Karkat and John (as well as most of Gryffindor Tower) just got the rudest awakening of the year. Namely, Dave screaming like the star in an exorcism movie and flailing out from under a massive, multicoloured pile of his brother's signature smuppets. Y u p.
Happy Parent's Day, everyone!]
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i mean i know i had kind of a senile moment there but other than that i mean whats up.
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disregarding the complete lack of similarity in ink appearance and grammar
john has a penis
rose as far as i know does not
and secondly why are you telling everyone i fucking want in johns pants
you do realize i have to sleep in the bed next to him for the next four years right
i will never forgive you if you ruin the best bromance ive ever had
i am dead serious
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have you seen it.
did he show you.
how do you know whats in his pants.
thats so insensitive you know.
what if hes ftm dave.
what if he just hasnt told anyone.
wow.
insensitive asshole.
bromance is one little letter away from romance.
im sure he wouldnt mind the little change there.
just one letter.
thats all.
thats all it takes man.
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are you that desperate to get under my skin that youre pulling the
well what if hes ftm card
for the record ive lived with him for the better part of the last three years
and if he was wiggling into a binder every morning i think id have noticed
not that i even fucking care either way
hes john who the fuck cares whats in his pants
[Private. Look at him all confiding in you and shit.]
dont
even
go there
johns so hetero i dont think he even
if i was anything but straight i dont even know how hed react
he might get awkward around me or sth
just
please bro lay off
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you get in and never see it coming.
and then you go to grope and instead of that lovemeat all you get is a squish you werent even expecting.
but fuck thats some oprah worthy shit right there.
thats the kinda thing they reblog to hell on the internet.
you should be proud man.
almost enough to bring a tear to my eye even.
[Oh fine he'll bite, private.]
so.
whatre you trying to say dave.
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i thought you had your tear ducts removed when your feelings gland got excised
[THANK you, Jesus dick]
im saying that afaik john is exactly the kind of straight
who will side eye me for the rest of forever if he even gets the faintest whiff that im not all over the poontang too
even if that whiff was just coming from a big pile of bullshit
once that doubt is planted hell never look at me the same again
and not in a good way
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wait til it happens to you.
i dunno man i think theyre growing back.
[God stop being so polite in the narrative Dave, you fucking pussy. He guesses you're welcome.]
you ever had a girlfriend dave.
beards are really fucking good at covering your tracks.
im getting the feeling youve been making tracks.
tracks that need to be covered.
i mean im not saying ive ever needed a beard.
who the fuck needs one when youre sexy and you know it.
and straight i guess.
anyway youre so fucking defensive about john.
my oprah senses are tingling.
talk to me.
let me help your tragic teen issues.
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good to know
[Fuck you and fuck your fucking Oprah senses, you creepy old fart.]
what the fuck do you think
i cant just pick one girl all the rest would be jelly
besides man what the fuck makes you think i need a beard
you think im not into muff diving
im defensive because you dont know them
and yet here you come acting like ive written a goddamn encyclopedia
in which the only entries of note are egbert john and harley jade
i know this is hard for you to understand because youve never had friends before
so im gonna use small fucking words
i
will never
forgive you
if you make things weird between me and them
Private
i mean come on you have any idea how it comes off the way youre tripping all over john and worrying about youre 'bromance'.
that comes off as a little suspicious to everyone involved dave.
and youve not mentioned baking a single muff so what do i fucking know.
i know plenty about them.
i have a journal and i keep plenty of tabs on everything.
sometimes anyway.
sometimes i just skim.
but i pick up enough shit to know a lot.
its funny how you think i have no friends.
and yet here you are desperately clinging to yours.
scared shitless im gonna ruin it for you.
they cant handle a strider then fuck them.
theyre not good enough for you.
they wouldnt have my seal of approval thats for damn sure.
Private
i just also like
johnguysi think
kind of
growing up is hard
...wait
does that mean that right now they do have your approval
stop the goddamn presses
you actually like my friends??
Private
okay.
stop this ride i wanna get off.
because let me just say.
i had no idea.
meanwhile ellen degeneres likes pussy.
did you know dr phils bald and acts like a know it all twat.
this is brand new information.
and you couldve picked shittier shitheads.
Private
all the news thats fit to print
...thanks man
Private
dunno what you want dude.
yep.
Private
you mean youre not surprised that i bat for both teams
Private
i was apparently being an asshole about accepting you for whatever the fuck you are.
is that bad broenting now or what.
you want me to try the unaccepting approach.
i can try.
Re: Private
shit im a little surprised
not that surprised given that we basically live in a 24 7 pride parade
but a little surprised
also why are you not surprised?
Private
but if you ever get bored of this whole acceptance thing then we can always try it.
there are some things bros just know dave.
and Bro fucking knows all.
also you were pretty fucking defensive about john.
that pretty much confirmed it for me.
but i still knew before then so dont get your undies bunched up by thinking i was just fishing and snagged a confession.
Private
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Re: Private
Private
Private
Private
Private
Private
Private
Private
Private
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Private
Private
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Repressing things isn't going to help, and this is ample opportunity for progress.
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but what if it was your mom telling everybody that you had a homocrush
which by the way is a lie
then what lalonde
would you really be so eager to talk about your feelings
besides striders dont talk about shit
were not sissy girls
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It sucks, but that's how we do it - which is better than not doing anything about it all.
And it's such a pity you aren't a sissy girl, Dave. It would suit your pretty face marvellously. I suppose "sissy boy" doesn't have as much of a ring to it.
Perhaps I would have harboured an embarrassing homocrush for you if it were the case.
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completely uncomplicated
no feelings attached
dont you know lalonde striders get their feelings glands removed on their thirteenth birthday
i am supremely disappointed that i wont be able to earn the affection of the truly choice babes
i am just falling down all this disappointment rose what shall i do
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Attempting to surgically excise feeling from your life is like trying to gouge out melanoma with a teaspoon.
However, if you are in dire need of alleviation for your disappointment à la la Carl Jung and Sabina Spielren, you know how to find me.
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and look i know youre just salivating to get your teeth into bro so you can find out all sorts of strider secrets
but just know that approximately 80% of everything he says is just to fuck with you
like your mom except instead of passive aggressiveness
its just straight up aggressiveness
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I'd certainly be happy to draw at least a little blood, and being fucked with in a more straightforward fashion could be entertaining - but I suppose one needs to be realistic.
I'll keep your advice in mind.