sortinghat_rp | Seven Smuppets

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Seven Smuppets

Alright everyone gather around, because Bro has an announcement to make for all of you bitches. But first you're probably thinking 'whoa suddenly grammar!'

Yes. That is definitely something that I'm doing now. Because I have a new job.

But don't let your heart break yet, because I'm still here. I'm not actually leaving, so calm your breasts. Okay no, I'm sorry, even though I'm trying to be all fancy, I just can't say that. So calm your tits.

Anyway, yeah. I'm transferring to a new position; I'm your new Magical Languages professor. It's the best fucking new elective Hogwarts has ever had and I'm sure you all wanna join. I have bad news though, because it's only third year and up.

Unless you beg. If you beg, I'm sure I can pull a few strings with Dumblebro. He's a rad guy, considering he actually let me have this position. But yep, that's my announcement. You can go ahead and sign up, just write your name and year and owl it over. That way I can know how many of you to expect.

Also if you have any questions, I guess you can ask. It never hurts to give a few more deets if you're that interested.

Oh and Kishitani, that means I'm a real goddamn Professor now, so if I hear you question that anymore, I'm giving you detention for real.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Wha
You
Okay so I didn't know that grammar was even a thing for you.
This is amazing.
Like, seriously. Most flawless uncle, that is you.
What languages would even count as that?
Regardless, I need to take this class.
I'll let Orangina play with Mrs Pickles if you don't let me.

What? Of course it's a thing. I'm not an uneducated dumpass. But I'm glad you think it's cool or whatever, so thanks I guess.

Mr. Pickles is already dead, do you really want to orphan an entire group of kids?

I just didn't know. But that's awesome.
I just wish you told me sooner because then I could've made you teach me things earlier in the summer.
Because languages are cool, yeah, and I need to get better at the ones I've studied, but magical ones sound even more impressive.

I'd know how they'd feel so I would know how to comfort them.

Well I didn't really tell anyone, so it's not like I was withholding it from you specifically.
You know Portuguese, don't you? I could teach you that too, if you wanted.

I'm sorry.
I wasn't thinking.

In that case, I can't hold it against you.
I only know a little Portuguese in the sense of food names. I learnt a little bit of Spanish and French and German at my old school but the extent was very limited.
Like, I could say what my name is and I take my coffee with cream and no sugar. It's not proficient at all. And then I start to forget because I don't use them often at all.

It's okay.
It's not that big a deal.

Oh, I could pretty much teach you all of those.

Yes it is.
You don't have to pretend that you're ok.
Seriously.

I would like that.
What other languages do you know?

I'm fine; I wouldn't lie about that.

Look down and read what I told Vriska, there's so many.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe you. Not after everything that's happened.

Did you learn Japanese so you didn't have to watch your anime in English dub?
I really want to be better at the ones I've started to learn before I learn more non-magical languages.
Like, if we could have a conversation just like this in another language one day, that'd be cool.
I'm not sure what those magical languages are. Do many people speak them?

I didn't say that you had to believe me. But I assure everything is fine.
You can stop worrying now.

Maybe. That's the most solid answer you're getting, little man. I don't just hand out my secrets like that.

[Read: Yep, totally accurate.]

But yeah, that's doable. I give it a year under my tutelage before you're having all of the conversations like this in a different language.

But anyway, enough of that. I'm not going to stop worrying. Asking me to stop worrying's like asking a dog to stop barking. It's not fucking possible.

Except with magic, or extreme training. And even then it's like, impossible. So no, I won't stop worrying.

Whatever you say, Mr. Weebie.

_{[That's him calling Bro out on being a weeaboo.]}

I'm going to hold you to that. Teach me all the languages.

There isn't anything to worry about, though. I'm alive. I'm breathing. You're alive and breathing. So is Dave and Roxy.
Worrying so much is really just dumb, especially over me.

Just because you're alive doesn't mean you're always okay.

Sometimes being alive hurts.

Sometimes the problems you think there are only exist because you decided they do.

And sometimes people say deep shit like that to hide the fact there's something wrong.

Maybe people just don't like being told that they're defective when they're completely functional.

And you can be functional and broken at the same goddamn time, Dirk.

I'm the fucking expert at functionally broken.

But I'm not. There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm not sure why you're so convinced of otherwise.
My dad is dead.
I don't have a mother.
It's whatever. I'm over it.
There's no point in focusing on this so much. You have other things to worry about.
Things that aren't me.
Like your real kid.

[There are several inkblots as he just stares the page. That was like a punch to the gut. It came out of left field and he just... He has no idea what to say. Or do. He really did think things were getting better, but... Apparently he was wrong. He was stupid not to have tried to do more. But it wasn't like he didn't have a lot going on. There was the camp issue, which had just... pushed everything from his mind until recently. He'd stupidly thought maybe Dirk had forgotten too.

Stupidly. Very stupidly.

This hurts. A lot. And Bro's never been good at keeping himself in check when he's hurting, prime example being when he'd insulted half the school. So when he writes the next sentence, it's probably something he really shouldn't say. It's something he's kept to himself the whole time. His handwriting is a lot shakier than normal, as well.]

If I didn't consider you my son, too...
Then why the hell have I been fighting a custody battle with your grandparents the last couple of months?
Why the hell have I been looking into legally adopting you once it's over?

If I didn't love you with all of my fucking heart, you'd be in Texas right now.

So don't.

Don't say that. Don't you fucking dare say that, because you are just as much my son as Dave.

_{[There aren't any ink blots before his response. That's because he dropped the pen all together it rolled off onto one of his blankets. He's not sure what to think of this response because this is as far out there as his own outburst had been. But this also explained some of the things he'd observed since coming to live with Bro.

Like the large stacks of paperwork that had come in the mail over the past several months and the oddly timed phone calls where Bro was sounded angry, but Dirk had never hung around long enough to understand the context of what was going on.

There's so much he wants to say but he can't find a way to form it into words so he can only handle the more pressing issue first.]}

Why didn't you tell me before?

[He'd tried to be careful. He'd tried to hide it all, but there were just some things he couldn't. There were times when he was in a heated phone call and couldn't get off the phone even though Dirk was around. He was thankful Dirk had never questioned him though and seemed oblivious.]

Because.

I wanted to protect you. I didn't wanna make it harder on you than it already was.

[And good job on doing that now, fucko.]

You couldn've just told them I'm magical too.
They wouldn't have wanted me then.
But I wouldn't have wanted to go regardless.

No.
Just because I'm fighting them over this doesn't mean I want them to fucking disown you.
I don't wanna ruin your relationship with them.
Not like it is with me.
Not like is with Dave.
I'm not selfish enough to hurt you like that.
Because it hurts. It hurts a whole fucking lot.

It's my absolute and total last resort.

Oh. Well.
I never see them a lot anyway so it really wouldn't have been a loss.
Dad was irritated with them a lot, I think.
But that part doesn't even matter. It's kinda hard to understand what they're saying sometimes.

Are you winning?

Either way you deserve to have their love.
You have it now. You're not losing it if I can help it.

Don't sweat it.
I've got it under control.

[He's not going to get into the fact that... It's actually starting to become a tough battle. That would just worry Dirk too much and then Dave would find out. No, he's just going to keep the fact that it's been brought up that running a porn site has called into question whether he's a suitable parent. He's not going to bring up the fact that Social Services are probably going to come and question them at some point.

He's not going to tell Dirk that he's scared.]

Okay.
Thank you.

The way you say that makes me think it really isn't.
I want to live with you and Dave, not them.

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