sortinghat_rp | Two Sick Beats

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Two Sick Beats

_{[It's....technically Sunday. And yes, the timestamp is in fact completely accurate. 0457 GMT.]}

WHERE IS HE?
BRO I FUCKING KNOW YOURE SOMEWHERE IN THIS FUCKING CASTLE
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOURE DOING HERE
OR HOW THE FUCK YOU GOT IN OUR ROOM
BUT I KNOW YOURE HERE SOMEWHERE AND I WILL FIND YOU

_{[Karkat and John (as well as most of Gryffindor Tower) just got the rudest awakening of the year. Namely, Dave screaming like the star in an exorcism movie and flailing out from under a massive, multicoloured pile of his brother's signature smuppets. Y u p.

Happy Parent's Day, everyone!]}

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

well hot damn.
didnt know i was The Man around here but shit ill take that title and wear it motherfuckin proudly.

Speak of the devil!
I've heard so very much about you from Dave, in my estimation you suit the epithet impeccably.

speak of the devil and the devil will come forth.
im gonna go out on a limb and say youre lalonde arent you.
ive heard even more about you young lady.
probably more than i ever wanted to.
no offense.
but he just goes on and on about you its like fucking jesus shut up.
i think he likes you.
or maybe im confusing you with john.
i dunno.

BRO OH MY GOD SHUT UP

is there a problem.
i mean i know i had kind of a senile moment there but other than that i mean whats up.

first off how do you even confuse john and rose
disregarding the complete lack of similarity in ink appearance and grammar
john has a penis
rose as far as i know does not

and secondly why are you telling everyone i fucking want in johns pants
you do realize i have to sleep in the bed next to him for the next four years right
i will never forgive you if you ruin the best bromance ive ever had
i am dead serious

and how would you know john has a penis.
have you seen it.
did he show you.
how do you know whats in his pants.
thats so insensitive you know.
what if hes ftm dave.
what if he just hasnt told anyone.
wow.
insensitive asshole.

bromance is one little letter away from romance.
im sure he wouldnt mind the little change there.
just one letter.
thats all.
thats all it takes man.

really dude
are you that desperate to get under my skin that youre pulling the
well what if hes ftm card
for the record ive lived with him for the better part of the last three years
and if he was wiggling into a binder every morning i think id have noticed
not that i even fucking care either way
hes john who the fuck cares whats in his pants

[Private. Look at him all confiding in you and shit.]
dont
even
go there
johns so hetero i dont think he even
if i was anything but straight i dont even know how hed react
he might get awkward around me or sth
just
please bro lay off

i dunno i hear theyre pretty sneaky with that shit.
you get in and never see it coming.
and then you go to grope and instead of that lovemeat all you get is a squish you werent even expecting.
but fuck thats some oprah worthy shit right there.
thats the kinda thing they reblog to hell on the internet.
you should be proud man.
almost enough to bring a tear to my eye even.

[Oh fine he'll bite, private.]

so.
whatre you trying to say dave.

well goddamn whos being the insensitive one now
i thought you had your tear ducts removed when your feelings gland got excised

_{[THANK you, Jesus dick]}

im saying that afaik john is exactly the kind of straight
who will side eye me for the rest of forever if he even gets the faintest whiff that im not all over the poontang too
even if that whiff was just coming from a big pile of bullshit
once that doubt is planted hell never look at me the same again
and not in a good way

aint being insensitive just telling the fucking truth.
wait til it happens to you.
i dunno man i think theyre growing back.

[God stop being so polite in the narrative Dave, you fucking pussy. He guesses you're welcome.]

you ever had a girlfriend dave.
beards are really fucking good at covering your tracks.
im getting the feeling youve been making tracks.
tracks that need to be covered.
i mean im not saying ive ever needed a beard.
who the fuck needs one when youre sexy and you know it.
and straight i guess.

anyway youre so fucking defensive about john.
my oprah senses are tingling.
talk to me.
let me help your tragic teen issues.

(no subject)

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I think you should talk through your issues with your Brother, Dave.
Repressing things isn't going to help, and this is ample opportunity for progress.

yeah see you say things like that
but what if it was your mom telling everybody that you had a homocrush
which by the way is a lie
then what lalonde
would you really be so eager to talk about your feelings

besides striders dont talk about shit
were not sissy girls

You know I would passively-aggressively challenge her assertions with the tenderest of feelings.

It sucks, but that's how we do it - which is better than not doing anything about it all.
And it's such a pity you aren't a sissy girl, Dave. It would suit your pretty face marvellously. I suppose "sissy boy" doesn't have as much of a ring to it.

Perhaps I would have harboured an embarrassing homocrush for you if it were the case.

i like the way we striders do things just fine
completely uncomplicated
no feelings attached

dont you know lalonde striders get their feelings glands removed on their thirteenth birthday

i am supremely disappointed that i wont be able to earn the affection of the truly choice babes
i am just falling down all this disappointment rose what shall i do

There's a difference between emotional simplicity and psychologically stunting oneself.
Attempting to surgically excise feeling from your life is like trying to gouge out melanoma with a teaspoon.

However, if you are in dire need of alleviation for your disappointment à la la Carl Jung and Sabina Spielren, you know how to find me.

y e p
and look i know youre just salivating to get your teeth into bro so you can find out all sorts of strider secrets
but just know that approximately 80% of everything he says is just to fuck with you
like your mom except instead of passive aggressiveness
its just straight up aggressiveness

I'm positively licking my chops in anticipation. You Striders - so stoic, so enigmatic, so invigoratingly chill. How will I ever get behind the shades and into the details of your cognitive psychology?

I'd certainly be happy to draw at least a little blood, and being fucked with in a more straightforward fashion could be entertaining - but I suppose one needs to be realistic.
I'll keep your advice in mind.

I'm impressed, Mr. Strider. Your journal-based recognitive abilities are not to be taken lightly.
Yes, I'm Rose Lalonde and it is an absolute pleasure to finally meet you.

As unsettling as the prospect of Dave's domestic storytelling abilities sound, I hope he hasn't slandered me too much and you will find the feeling is occasionally mutual.
;)
Though if you're mistaking me with John, I admittedly take great stock in their masculine friendship as well.

yes it would pleasure me to meet myself too.
i am somewhat extremely famous after all.

oh how i wish he slandered you.
nope he wants you.
inside of him.

the term youre looking for is bromance by the way.
straight from the source and all.
though i give you permission to call it whatever you want.
some might call it young love.

Somewhat extremely?
I have no doubts about your reputation - considering your physical proximity to yourself on a regular basis you must be a very pleasured person.

Also does he really? Implications of impeded Freudian development notwithstanding, I suppose that can be arranged.
I'm young and inexperienced, however. How does he propose to fulfil this fantasy?

How delightful. I have heard many tales of the modern "bromance".
Their lack of age difference precludes the ancient vice of the Greeks, but tell him I approve.
He can always break my heart in other ways.

what can i say i like oxymorons.
shit youre right. okay let me just ask myself for an autograph.
yo strider.
sup.
sign this worthless piece of fucking paper.
fuck off i dont sign shit.

well that was disappointing.

also. fuck. no.
i only meant that he just wants your freaky mind tentacles inside him.
you know the psychoanalytical ones.
you put anything in him and he puts anything in you and were gonna have trouble.

see above. read it and memorize the fuck out of it.
nothing personal though.
i pinkie swear.

My apologies for causing you personal disappointment. I didn't mean to be disrespectful.

Nor did I mean to misinterpret your words.

It's hard being a kid and growing up, you know.
Hormones are a bitch, but I'll settle with the mind tentacles.

whatever its nbd.
im not gonna curbstomp you at the drop of a hat.
whats dave tell you about me jesus.

yeah yeah bitchy hormones i know the feeling.
just as long as your hormones stay the fuck away from dave.
and make sure your tentacles are spayed.
brain babies multiply like fucking hamsters.

Wow, am I really so undesirable as a prospective partner?

I assure you I do not carry any STDs, my temperament is generally amicable, and I am competent in domestic circumstances while also pursuing professional aspirations.

Nevertheless, don't worry, it's fine.
I'm not hurt or anything.

I'm not just a teenage girl with fragile dreams.